The characters in Atlas Shrugged have lived in our collective conscience for half a century now. Breathing life into them now is no less challenging than making a movie about the Bible–people will argue over who played Ezekiel and the color and texture of the milk and honey. But there are some core moments and character traits that have to be observed. This film’s obvious budget issues betrayed some key points, but there were others that wouldn’t have cost a cent to fix.

Francisco D’Anconia
Francisco is written as a playboy–not a washed up one. In my mind, he was always a Latin James Bond–cool, suave and very much a lady’s man and a man’s man at the same time. He is Antonio Banderas as Zorro, but, and this is crucial, at the end of the Zorro film–not the drunken mess that Anthony Hopkins finds at the beginning. In the film, Francisco is played as a washed up lout. He is not clean shaven, his clothes are disheveled and his hair unkempt. The effortless grace of the character is nowhere to be found, and he comes off as a hateful has been–not someone a James Taggart or Orren Boyle would trust with their fortunes.

James Taggart
James is meant to be an empathetic character. He is often found pleading with Dagny to fix things or to not make waves. In the film, he comes across as too self-assured and conniving. He seems to know he is evil and that he is manipulating the system–an attitude the undercuts the written character’s morality.

Lilian Rearden
Played by Rebecca Wisocky, who is the perfect choice, Lilian should have been a lot colder. Her character is a cold, heartless, sexless bitch. In the film, she comes across as too warm and almost understandable. She is supposed to be patronizing and mocking Rearden, as if his efforts, his work, even his libido are all a waste of time. A perfect example of the lack of emotion in the film is the scene where Dagny trades her necklace for Lilian’s Rearden Metal bracelet. There was no passion, there was no indignation–it barely would have caused a scene in real life.

Emotion
That scene should have been packed with emotion as well as exposition. Dagny is trading value for value–a core concept of the book–with a moocher who has no concept of value. It’s also the beginning of Rearden’s affections for Dagny, and her disdain for her lover’s wife. It’s meant to foreshadow the coming affair–it’s not just the bracelet that holds Lilian’s contempt and Dagny’s affection, it’s Rearden himself. If there is meat in Atlas Shrugged for a Hollywood film, it’s in the love triangle between Hank, Lilian and Dagny. As portrayed in the film, Rearden comes off as just another businessman who shags a coworker on a business trip.

The running of the John Galt Line is also a flat note in the film. This is perhaps where the low budget of the film shows most. A fundamental undercurrent in the book is that “public opinion” is being driven from the top down. That is best shown by the throngs of people standing and cheering for Dagny and Hank at each crossing as the John Galt rushes past. And when the union boss tells Dagny that his men won’t run the train, she asks for volunteers and every last one of them steps forward–ratifying her belief in her fellow man. Neither of these two core elements of “public opinion” are seen in the movie.

The film did fall flat in other places as well. When Hank and Dagny consummate their affair–Hank is wracked with guilt, and apologizes to Dagny for his base desire. Dagny laughs at him to carry the point that sex is not immoral or evil, but a beautiful act of two consenting adults. Her brash sexuality is meant to be a stark contrast against Lilian’s cold, manipulative view of sex as an animal desire to be used as leverage by a woman over a man. The film misses this and jumps to breakfast, where Dagny makes a snide comment about Hank being a “married man.”

Throughout the film, the lack of passion in the characters leaves many scenes too flat. There’s too much exposition and not enough umph. You never get the feeling that each vanished capitalist drains Hank and Dagny more and more. There is no sense of being overwhelmed, but carrying on anyway.

There are places, however, where the emotion is spot on. In the final scene, Taylor Schilling as Dagny lets out a blood curdling scream that still rings in my ears. That, overlaid with John Galt’s speech to Wyatt, is the kind of emotion that the film should build to.

On the whole, it was a good movie, but not fully worthy of Ayn Rand’s work.

When it’s planes in the sky,
bombing all day and all night,
That’s linguistics.

When the tanks form a line
Bullets whiz and then whine,
That’s linguistics.

The world reaches the brink
Don’t act, just sit and think,
That’s linguistics.

Lots of eloquent words,
Drop like candy-filled turds,
That’s linguistics

When you call it one thing,
Swing voters will swing,
That’s linguistics.

When our focus report shows,
That support ebbs and then flows,
That’s linguistics

Bombs will rain on the shore,
But we’re not calling it war,
That’s linguistics.

Apologies to UPS.

The audio did not disappoint.  During start-up, we were impressed with the smooth, dulcet tones of the ObamaNAV.  It alerts the user to it progress during the start-up process: “Now is the time to Change™ your navigator.  The navigation of the past is not what we need to move forward,” it said, increasing the anticipation.

The problems, however, begin when the device is asked to perform basic Navigation functions.  Take this exchange between us and the ObamaNAV:

Us:  “I would like to go to Yankee Stadium.”

ObamaNAV:  “Now is the time for us to go to Yankee Stadium.  For too long, we have avoided the roads that lead us there.  Now is not the time for us to fall back on the directions of the past.  Today, we begin to move forward.“

Us: “Great, directions please.”

ObamaNAV:  “Because there has never been a trip this size at this time of day, obtaining directions has tested the limits of human technology.  From day one, I have assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and geographers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and our nation’s Secretary of Energy.  Scientists at our national labs and experts from academia and other oil companies have also provided ideas and advice.  As a result of these efforts, in the coming weeks and days, these efforts should provide up to 90 percent of the directions needed for this trip.“

Us: “Directions to Yankee Stadium.”

ObamaNAV: “Let me be clear, BP is the responsible party…“

It continues like that for several minutes.

When you finally get the system to provide you with directions, it only allows you to make left turns.  A very loud, repeating klaxon sounds if, at any point, you attempt to make a u-turn, even on a dead end street.

Finally, the AdvisorSync is a disaster.  It is advertised as an augmentation to the ObamaNAV’s GPS system, in the event the system itself cannot guide you.  Unfortunately, the AdvisorSync merely locates and synchronizes with the nearest GPS systems.  This is helpful only if everyone around you is headed in the same place.  Ultimately, a GPS system should be able to navigate itself.

I’m afraid we have to give the ObamaNAV a D, our lowest rating.

ObamaNAV: “I give myself a solid B+.”

This fails for several reasons.  First, there were between 270 and 400 Jews who died in the World Trade Center.  This is likely more than 10%.  Second, terror attacks do not kill at random, they kill those in and around the place of the attack at the time of the attack.  Only a truly random vector would provide a death toll that matched the population demographics.

Finally, and most idiotic, the demographics of New York City show that 27% of the population is Black, yet only 7% of those who died were Black.  So, Malik Shabazz, what did the New Black Panther Party know about the terrorist attacks, and when did it know it?

10:14:06 PM: What a shock! Obama blames Bush! That’s not Change™ I can believe in. #tcot #tlot

10:15:21 PM: Toughest to read are those written by children: they can’t spell for squat. Maybe we should try vouchers. AMIRIGHT? #sotu #tcot #tlot

10:16:23 PM: Does Biden have a cold sore? Must’ve been taking mass transit, against his own advice. #sotu #tcot #tlot

10:18:49 PM: I wonder if there’s a camera isolated on Joe Wilson. #sotu #tcot #tlot

10:20:00 PM: Unemployment would be double? 20%? Man, he and his advisers are really incompetent then, they predicted 8.5% if we did nothing. #sotu

10:21:13 PM: Banks have already “repaid” the gov’t, with a profit. This man doesn’t understand anything about anything. OR he’s a shameless pol. #sotu.

10:21:49 PM: $12 per month–don’t spend it all in once place.

10:22:36 PM: Not a single dime; unless you smoke or work for a bank, or use the services of a bank.

10:24:19 PM: That small business in Phoenix is probably resume editing service. #sotu

10:24:56 PM: Who is starting to hire again? Caterpillar just took a huge loss. #sotu

10:25:37 PM: New Jobs Bill: Just Obama Bull Sh!t. #sotu #tcot #tlot

10:27:29 PM: What a great idea! Force money into crappy banks owned by Dems, and make them lend money to ppl who couldn’t get it otherwise! #SOTU

10:28:02 PM: …isn’t that how we got here? Mandating that banks make bad loans they wouldn’t otherwise? SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:29:48 PM: “Let me be clear,” by “new jobs bill,” I mean laundry list of LIberal wet dreams at taxpayer expense. #SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:30:26 PM: “Without delay,” what’s the matter champ? Can’t credibly set a deadline? SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:31:06 PM: Wow! Lost decade refers to Japan, champ, who did what you are suggesting. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:33:14 PM: If he doesn’t accept second place, why does he keep apologizing for us? Maybe he means he’ll only accept 120th place. #tcot SOTU #tlot

10:34:11 PM: “No matter how contentious the debate becomes, we will simply call our opponents Nazi sympathizing teabaggers.” SOTU #Tcot #tlot

10:34:20 PM: Empty veto threat. SOTU

10:36:39 PM: Did Pelosi just clap for offshore oil drilling? SHe must be drunk again. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:37:11 PM: Overwhelming, like the melting glaciers in the Himalayas? SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

10:37:56 PM: Lead the global economy?!? I thought the Obama Doctrine was that no nation can lead any other. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:39:58 PM: Did Pelosi make her own Palpatine-style gavel, or is that a weirdo modern tea set in front of her? SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:40:25 PM: Let’s improve our schools by defunding vouchers in D.C. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:41:22 PM: Kids need an education, so they can grown up and make a maximum of $250K a year, and have their bonuses taxed at 100%. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:42:30 PM: Gov’t screwed up housing lending, so what could possibly go wrong?!? SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:43:08 PM: NO one will go broke because they decided to go to college?!? What about the taxpayer, champ? SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:44:32 PM: Let’s clear a few things up=I’m about to lie to you all. SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:46:35 PM: Michele Obama taking on obesity? I know I lose my appetite when I see her. #tcot #tlot #SOTU

10:49:10 PM: I’ve got a proposal: TORT REFORM. Pompous jackass.SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:53:00 PM: Jeesh, Biden really looks like Jeff Dunham’s Walter. http://bit.ly/91DRfa #SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:56:40 PM: silly me, but haven’t the Dems been in charge for the last four years? #SOTU #tcot #tlot

10:57:38 PM: Do our work openly?!? IS he serious?!? What about CSPAN? #SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

10:58:20 PM: Alito just said “That’s not true.”

10:59:08 PM: WHat Hope-ocrisy. Obama rejected public funding so he could sell out to Soros and other powerful indivuals.

10:59:56 PM: by “Earmark,” I mean any spending requested by Republicans. #SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

11:01:42 PM: Wow, what a lying hypocrite. Obama personally blocked nominations when he was in the Senate. #SOTU #TLOT #TCOT

11:03:26 PM: Obama calls for a more civil tone, and then lies about the GOP not presenting any ideas. #SOTU #tcot #tlot

11:04:46 PM: DO what it takes to defend our nation: like Mirandizing those who attack it. #SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

11:05:59 PM: I wonder how many terrorists were saved or deleted? #TCOT #TLOT #SOTU

11:07:27 PM: “All of our troops are coming home–except the 50-75,000 that won’t be coming home.” #SOTU #TLOT #TCOT

11:08:47 PM: Al Franken sitting behind the Joint Chiefs? That’s like putting Ed Begly Jr. behind the board of Exxon. #SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

11:15:06 PM: “Plays by the rules?” You mean like not entering the country illegally? SOTU #TCOT #TLOT

7:54:45 PM: Watching on FNC. I could watch on MSNBC and report media bias, but I don’t get paid to do this stuff.

8:02:44 PM: RT @snarkandboobs Hee hee. RT @JTlol: Take a drink every time Obama says something you know to be true. #drinkinggamesforteetotallers

8:05:03 PM: 29th speech; Obama reframes the debate. The debate is framed like a hillbilly shanty.

8:06:31 PM: I wonder who Obama is “leaving behind” to run the gov’t in the event of catastrophe. (fights urge to put last word in quotes)

8:11:08 PM: Okay, Obama is keeping the masses waiting, who faints first? Pelosi? Reid? Is it swooning or low blood sugar?

8:11:08 PM: Okay, Obama is keeping the masses waiting, who faints first? Pelosi? Reid? Is it swooning or low blood sugar?

8:15:08 PM: Just remembering the early days, in 2006 when the chant was “anyone but Hillary.” We should’ve been more specific. #tcot #tlot

8:16:06 PM: I’d go with Re-#BS @ExurbanJonSo, what’s the hashtag for tonight’s Obama speech?

8:17:10 PM: I kind of wish Biden got to do the introduction. I’d like to hear from Barack America tonight.

8:18:25 PM: 700,000 jobs lost per month then. 300,000 per month now. That’s not really progress. That’s like bleeding less from the head.

8:19:15 PM: Pulled the economy back from the brink. And thanks to our bloated stimulus plan, we’re now second to Sweden.

8:19:41 PM: American exceptionalism is finally dead. Alinksy would be proud.

8:21:01 PM: The Dingle healthcare bill is actually an invoice for unpaid medical care. They’re not giving up, dammit.

8:21:56 PM: WHAT!! Buying insurance on your own costs you 3x as much because YOUR employer pays the other 2/3! Wow, this guy is terrible. #tcot #tlot

8:23:07 PM: If you move, lose or change your job, you’ll lose your coverage. This is true. So do we change everything or just fix the problem?

8:23:36 PM: Decoupling insurance from employment would fix the problem. Creating a $2T government sinkhole wouldn’t solve anything.

8:23:59 PM: Nobody worries about losing their car insurance if they lose their job.

8:25:15 PM: Wow, Obama’s grasp on reality as as firm as Pelosi’s Botox isn’t. Automakers are uncompetitive because of unions and cadillac plans.

8:25:57 PM: entrepreneurs cannot open new businesses because of taxes and regulatory burdens like mandated healthcare.

8:26:56 PM: I smell a strawman coming!

8:28:15 PM: We’ve seen scare tactics and lies, like saying “doing nothing will kill people.”

8:29:41 PM: Boehner always looks like he was born 20 years too late. He belongs at the Playboy club in the late 70′s/early 80′s.

8:30:51 PM: Nothing will require you to change. If your boss goes bankrupt or the insurance company stops offering your policy, you’re on your own.

8:31:08 PM: And rainbows and unicorns for everyone!

8:31:39 PM: No one should go broke because they get sick. Except doctors.

8:32:40 PM: He says it saves money almost as if he believes it. Almost as if the CBO hadn’t smacked him down, repeatedly for lying about it.

8:34:17 PM: The size of your tax credits will be based on your need. SO from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.

8:34:40 PM: I’ve heard that before somewhere, haven’t I? Did it work for them?

8:36:43 PM: @SenJohnMcCain wanted to tax HC benefits and add a tax credit to offset the burden. Dems won’t. That is the largest tax hike in history.

8:37:32 PM: Wait, there is something missing. Rhymes with “Short Perform.”

8:38:23 PM: These panels won’t be bureaucrats, they will be well trained czars.

8:39:10 PM: Pelosi looks like she is having a conniption.

8:40:05 PM: You know how you’re about to hear some BS? Obama says “let me [set the record straight][be clear]“

8:40:54 PM: Insurers controlling 75% of state markets are all reason to allow insurers to compete across state lines.

8:42:06 PM: Good god, I think Pelosi just had an Orgasm.

8:42:37 PM: Obama endorsed a public option and she jumped up like Biden girded her loins.

8:44:36 PM: our ultimate goal…you know, single payer healthcare…

8:46:43 PM: If Obama won’t sign a plan that adds a dime to deficit, he’s gonna have to kill everyone at the CBO.

8:49:51 PM: http://twitpic.com/h557q – I still think Biden looks like Jeff Dunham’s Walter.

8:52:52 PM: He’s also not including the increased tax revenue from the death taxes as the death panels cull the elderly.

8:55:46 PM: Is it just me, or do Republicans look like Cusak in Say Anything holding up their plan?

8:58:57 PM: Obama’s gonna rename the bill KennedyCare.

8:59:41 PM: It must be like drowning in 8 feet of mud in a cold dark night.

9:02:38 PM: …when the POTUS calls ordinary Americans a mob and orders people to spy on their neighbors…

9:04:40 PM: Obama said Teddy knew what it was like to struggle with a sick child…(thus the Kopechne reference)

9:06:24 PM: I have to make a judgment call. think my hat is safe. We heard Obama rip through 4 critical items to be in his bill…

9:06:46 PM: …then mention tort reform, which Sebelius is going to “look into.”

9:07:48 PM: Boustany, that vulture of a tonsil thief is on. Are there any Republicans outside of Louisiana who can rebutt POTUS?

9:09:22 PM: Isn’t this the guy who’s always selling me gold during Brett Baier’s show?

9:09:32 PM: He was on Law & Order, wasn’t he?

9:11:25 PM: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0282648/

9:11:33 PM: Dann Florek

9:12:54 PM: Well, kudos to Obama for mentioning tort reform, but it was a token bone that won’t make it into any bill.

8:03:04 PM: Fantastic to see and hear Bob Papa and Carl Banks announcing.

8:02:00 PM: New Post: http://bit.ly/4wVy7 – Jets Giants Preseason Liveblog #tcot #tlot

8:03:04 PM: Fantastic to see and hear Bob Papa and Carl Banks announcing.

8:06:14 PM: They were gonna have Jets greats doing the announcing, but Namath is busy assaulting Suzi Kolber.

8:07:43 PM: For folks who tune in to Daily Danet for politics, football is my other passion and the Giants are my Reagan.

8:08:08 PM: Nice one Feely. That’s why he’s now a Jet.

8:08:34 PM: Good to see the O-Line together again.

8:10:10 PM: I think Manning will be more comfortable with the younger receivers this year. More of a feeling of ownership.

8:12:08 PM: nice quick throw over the middle. I like the quick, limited huddle offense for Eli. I always thought they needed more rhythm.

8:13:48 PM: unforced error. May need that timeout later.

8:16:14 PM: BE a good time to get Barden or Hicks in either for real or as a smokescreen.

8:17:23 PM: I think the noseguard actually caused the snap.

8:18:57 PM: TD!! Big blue!

8:21:35 PM: When your coverage leaves out a 6’4, 245 lbs RB in the end zone, your scheme needs work.

8:23:42 PM: looking forward to seeing Sanchez on his back.

8:24:16 PM: 3 and out

8:25:07 PM: HIxon really needs to learn not to run backwards on punt returns.

8:30:09 PM: Oh nuts. Steve Smith had 6 and dropped it out the bottom of the bread basket.

8:30:56 PM: ON the bright side, that pass was a beauty by Manning.

8:32:20 PM: Did he try to lateral that in mixed traffic? What is this high school?

8:34:46 PM: 3rd & 2 on your opponents 20 and you go from the gun with a pass? Are we playing the Eagles again?

8:37:41 PM: Goal line stand, just like old times.

8:40:31 PM: Is there something about football that makes people think “hey, these people will need to buy a new car–and small sedans at that.”?

8:43:44 PM: Funny thing about Sunday night football: Olbermann’s audience doubles when he’s got a captive audience and not allowed to talk politics.

8:44:06 PM: Second Jets kickoff, second Jets penalty.

8:44:42 PM: If Brandon Jacobs is injured, I will personally start a campaign to end preseason games.

8:49:40 PM: Thanks Carl. Not surprisingly a scat back has a diff. power game than a mosterous 6’4″ 240lbs power back.

8:50:57 PM: Lito Sheppard is looking old and a bit off his game. If zebras don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, he’s toast this year.

8:53:02 PM: Man, can the Jets even *receive* a kickoff without a penalty?

8:53:39 PM: Must be crowd noise.

8:54:57 PM: Kiwi gets there!

9:00:10 PM: I have no idea what just happened.

9:02:42 PM: In years to come, Congress will investigate the Jets-Giants 2nd quarter punt. In the end, rogue CIA agents will be blamed.

9:03:33 PM: Cheapest available seats, including PSL, for nyg2010.com are $10K each

9:04:03 PM: Alright, Hakeen Nicks in the game makes a nice first catch. Is that the first Eli-Nicks catch?

9:04:34 PM: Jacobs is back in the game, that makes me feel better. The fumble makes me a little nervous.

9:06:00 PM: Everytime I hear Bart Scott’s name, I think Randolph Scott, which makes me think of Blazing Saddles. Can’t help but laugh.

9:06:46 PM: Dockery! Nice play! He looked like Peter Parker on that play

9:07:23 PM: He was 10 feet in the air! Did he get bit by a radioactive spider in the lockeroom or something?

9:10:04 PM: The more I see of Boss, the more impressed I am. Great kid, great work ethic and tons of talent.

9:11:14 PM: Bradshaw is like Juggernaut. Once he gets a head of steam, he’s hard to bring down.

9:13:33 PM: Ties are like kissing your sister. FG’s are like french kissing your grandmother’s sister.

9:15:02 PM: Okay, maybe your sister in law.

9:15:48 PM: I foresee a Jets penalty

9:18:49 PM: I have to say, I’m impressed with Sanchez. He’s holding his own against the Giants defense so far.

9:22:16 PM: Blown coverage, missed tackles. Ugly, ugly play by the giants. Nice play by the Jets. Ugh.

9:24:54 PM: Call me crazy, but it looked like NIcks thought about passing just then. Was that an option?

9:25:42 PM: Manningham really, really, really needs to learn how to know the ball down if he’s not gonna catch it.

9:29:22 PM: Kliff Kinsburry? Wow, that’s digging down the memory hole

9:33:29 PM: When did Timex drop the “takes a licking” part of their slogan? I’d love to see the market research for that.

9:34:38 PM: I’m sure there was a focus group and tens of thousands of dollars spent.

9:37:52 PM: Bradshaw did a great job picking up the blitz.

9:40:10 PM: That’ll do it for me, tweeps. I’ll spend the second half with my despondency alone.

On June 12, Customs and Border Patrol Officer (CBP) May Dupname apprehended Yemeni-born terrorist named Muhammed bin-Traanin Tukilual.  Mr. Tukilual was stopped while crossing the border with 500 lbs of C4, 20 fully automatic assault rifles, and a map with directions to 10 suburban daycare centers.  While apprehending Mr. Tukilual, Officer Dupname waited more than 10 minutes before Mirandizing him and then “accidentally” put his handcuffs on so tight he complained for nearly 3 minutes.  This woman needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

On September 11, 2001, while attempting to evacuate victims of the attacks, several firefighters reportedly said phrases like “come on guys, let’s go” and “hurry up fellas,” “and oh, man, come on.” The DOJ is concerned that this may have offended some women and transgendered individuals who were present or who later watched news reports or listened to the emergency responder tapes. Please review the tapes and suggest disciplinary action for the firefighters (posthumously if necessary).

News reports and anecdotal evidence indicates that Marines deployed in Fallujah in 2004 apparently used obscenities while being fired upon by insurgents. The winning of hearts and minds is a critical part of the war in Iraq and POTUS wants to be sure our enlisted personnel are putting forward the best image of U.S. sensibilities. Please review all news accounts, transcripts and after action reports and recommend disciplinary or criminal action for the Marines (again, posthumously if necessary).

The Wall Street Journal, other financial media outlets and business leaders have repeatedly referred to the day after Thanksgiving as “Black Friday,” potentially offending African Americans and other people of color. DOJ should discourage this through legal process. File a legal proceeding against the Wall Street Journal (it doesn’t matter what the cause of action is) and harangue them with two years worth of discovery. When they are willing to settle, make this part of the consent decree.

As you know, we recently dismissed charges against three Black Panthers arising out of events in the 2008 election.  The Black Panther Party is planning on sending armed thugs to patrol the midterm elections next November. We have learned that they intend to intimidate white voters and suppress conservative and independent turnout in order to ensure a Democrat majority.  In order to avoid another embarrassing media circus, please ensure that no media is present at election cites where the Black Panthers are intimidating voters, and also make sure no arrests are made.

Looking forward to living in a 9/10 world again, if we survive.

rip through your rib cage, grab your inner caveman and drag your latté drinking, blog reading, aeron chair sitting, metaphor mixing ass through [120] minutes of heart pounding, libido stirring, pride swelling man-venture. If you’re looking for subtlety, read Jane Austen.

The thing I appreciated most about G.I. Joe, after the tight leather bustiers and the phallic weaponry, is the villains.

The thing I appreciated most about G.I. Joe, after the tight leather bustiers and the phallic weaponry, is the villains.  You have Christopher Eccleston’s Scottish arms dealer.  You have “The Doctor,” played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (3rd Rock from the Sun), who is a sociopath.  And finally Sienna Miller’s Ana Lewis/Baroness. Now these characters don’t really have much of a back story in G.I. Joe lore. Back when the cartoon series was created, bad guys were just bad. This was the 80′s, we had a President who knew evil when he saw it and called it by its name.  This time, it was up to Hollywood (God help us) to give them their motivation.

I would expect Hollywood to create a Destro whose father never hugged him and whose mother never breastfed him; a Cobra Commander who was an orphan raised by a greedy corporate executive as part of a social experiment gone awry.  I was half expecting a live action episode of Robot Chicken, with Destro sobbing into Cobra Commander’s arms “I couldn’t make the swim team daddy!”  [Pounds his metal fists.]  “Use your words, Dethththtro.  Uththe your wordth. Let it out.”  [Gentle rocking, rolls eyes, looks at watch.]

[Spoiler warning] Surprisingly, G.I. Joe finds a way to overcome Hollywood stereotypes.  McCullen/Destro’s motivation is simple and unencumbered by Jungian psychobabble.  He’s a greedy businessman who wants revenge for wrongs against his clan.  True, Hollywood thinks all businessmen are greedy, but McCullen is an arms dealer, and I think even arms dealers would say they have a point there.  As to being evil, greed is a sin, a deadly one at that, so Destro is sorted.  The Doctor/Cobra Commander is a sociopath driven insane by his lust for scientific achievement.  What is wonderful (if that’s the right word for it) about his story, is that he turns evil before his disfiguring accident.  He would be morally redeemable (and therefore more typical of a Hollywood villain) if it was his disfigurement that lead to his evil.

I would expect Hollywood to create a Destro whose father never hugged him and whose mother never breastfed him.

But much of the story centers on Duke and Ana and their mutual history.  Based on the story arc, the Baroness’s back story seems painfully clear, and her real back story is therefore all the more of a–for lack of a better phrase–pleasant surprise.  We are told that Duke and Ana are engaged and Duke promises to protect Ana’s brother Rex as they both deploy in combat.  Rex is killed and Ana and Duke split up as Duke cannot face his broken promise.  We are lead to believe then that Ana is not evil but just misunderstood.  Her grief overwhelmed her, and that’s why she was willing to kill millions of people.  Well, as it turned out, Cobra Commander was brainwashing her.  Fantastic twist that turned an action movie into a love story.