On June 12, Customs and Border Patrol Officer (CBP) May Dupname apprehended Yemeni-born terrorist named Muhammed bin-Traanin Tukilual.  Mr. Tukilual was stopped while crossing the border with 500 lbs of C4, 20 fully automatic assault rifles, and a map with directions to 10 suburban daycare centers.  While apprehending Mr. Tukilual, Officer Dupname waited more than 10 minutes before Mirandizing him and then “accidentally” put his handcuffs on so tight he complained for nearly 3 minutes.  This woman needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

On September 11, 2001, while attempting to evacuate victims of the attacks, several firefighters reportedly said phrases like “come on guys, let’s go” and “hurry up fellas,” “and oh, man, come on.” The DOJ is concerned that this may have offended some women and transgendered individuals who were present or who later watched news reports or listened to the emergency responder tapes. Please review the tapes and suggest disciplinary action for the firefighters (posthumously if necessary).

News reports and anecdotal evidence indicates that Marines deployed in Fallujah in 2004 apparently used obscenities while being fired upon by insurgents. The winning of hearts and minds is a critical part of the war in Iraq and POTUS wants to be sure our enlisted personnel are putting forward the best image of U.S. sensibilities. Please review all news accounts, transcripts and after action reports and recommend disciplinary or criminal action for the Marines (again, posthumously if necessary).

The Wall Street Journal, other financial media outlets and business leaders have repeatedly referred to the day after Thanksgiving as “Black Friday,” potentially offending African Americans and other people of color. DOJ should discourage this through legal process. File a legal proceeding against the Wall Street Journal (it doesn’t matter what the cause of action is) and harangue them with two years worth of discovery. When they are willing to settle, make this part of the consent decree.

As you know, we recently dismissed charges against three Black Panthers arising out of events in the 2008 election.  The Black Panther Party is planning on sending armed thugs to patrol the midterm elections next November. We have learned that they intend to intimidate white voters and suppress conservative and independent turnout in order to ensure a Democrat majority.  In order to avoid another embarrassing media circus, please ensure that no media is present at election cites where the Black Panthers are intimidating voters, and also make sure no arrests are made.

Looking forward to living in a 9/10 world again, if we survive.

As Legal Insurrection notes, Pelosi’s prior comments (more of which, I assume will be rediscovered soon enough) paint a very different picture of her reaction in 2002.  But let’s take a mental trip with the Nanny from Franny and see what her world might have looked like, through the eyes of two CIA officers in 2002.

[Setting:  It's a year after 9-11.  People are still opening their mail with gloves on to avoid Anthrax.  Everyone is waiting for the next terror scare, and even Democrats are saying things like "do what you have to do" to stop it.  In fact, they'll still be saying that two years later!

American flags are still waving proudly.  Iraq is still controlled by Saddam Hussein. Obama is a state senator. Michelle Obama is not yet proud of her country.  Code pink is probably inappropriate slang for an attractive girl.

Frank Leigh Maideere is a CIA official who has (or whose team has) gotten approval from the President directly to use enhanced interrogation techniques.  The technique works, and he prevented an attack on LA and broke up an enormous cell in Indonesia.  He's told he needs to brief two Congressmen on the matter.]

[A dingy internal office at CIA headquarters, September 2002.  Flamenco music plays.]

Joe King: “Hey Frank.  What are you doing?”

Frank Leigh Maideere:  “Oh, hey Joe.  I’m just preparing my briefing for tomorrow with Pelosi and Goss.  I’m supposed to tell them about the enhanced interrogation techniques that we’re using in Gitmo.”

Joe: “How’s it going.”

Frank: “Well Joe, I’m gonna do something crazy.”

Joe: “What’s that?”

Frank:  “Well, instead of telling them we’ve used waterboarding and it worked really well, I’m gonna tell them we haven’t used it yet, but we might use it, and if we do, we’ll be sure to ask permission first.”

Joe:  “Very funny Frank — you know you can’t do that!  First, you’ll get fired.  Second, you’ll probably be prosecuted and, knowing how we keep all those records, you’re sure to be found out.  And on top of that, why bother?”

Frank: “What do you mean?”

Joe: “Well, it’s a year after 9-11.  Even Democrats are saying we need to do whatever is necessary to prevent the next attack.”

Frank:  “True, but I really, really want to lie to Congress about something before I retire.”

Joe: “Ha ha.  Seriously.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to tell Congress what we’re doing–especially if it saved lives?”

Frank:  “Well, I just like messing with Congress, ya know?”

Joe: “So let me get this straight:  You’ve prevented at least one terrorist attack on the US and busted up a huge al-Qaeda cell in Indonesia.  You’ve done all this by tricking an unrepentant  terrorist into thinking he’s drowning.  And the guy is perfectly healthy now.”

Frank: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Joe: “And you’re incredibly busy now, trying to prevent the next wave of attacks.  You haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in the past year and have had no vacation time.  And have precious little time to devote to a complicated scheme to defraud Congress.”

Frank:  “True.”

Joe: “Anything else I should know?”

Frank: “Well, in 6 years, a first term Senator will slip into office on an anti-Bush agenda, making everyone think what we’re doing is wrong.  Even though he plans to keep using the same techniques, he’s going to allow Congress to investigate.  When he does, this will all lead back to me.”

Joe: “Okay.  So tomorrow, you have the choice of either (i) telling the chair and ranking member of the intelligence community the good news that we have prevented a major attack using a relatively harmless technique or (ii) lying to them about how we learned the information, even though they have publicly said they are committed to doing whatever is necessary?”

Frank: “That’s about it.”

Joe:  “And if you tell the truth, you’ll be cleared of any wrongdoing by their informed consent.  But, if you lie, you will be the only person on the hook and most likely promptly found out, fired and prosecuted.  At best, you will have a cool story to tell your grand kids.”

Frank: “That’s about it.”

Joe: “Why on Earth would you lie to Congress?”

Frank:  “I’m a loner.  A rebel.  And besides, where’s the fun in covering your behind.”

Joe: “I think you need to rest.”

The final blow was dealt this morning by Barney Frank (D-Fannie Mae).  The lifetime congressman from Massachusettstan claimed that Republican criticism of the utter lack of regulation for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was racist.  “You see, this is clearly an acknowledgment that racism is meaningless,” explained noted race expert Dr. Avery Thingewesai.  “His point here is that, by criticizing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Republicans are attacking poor people who cannot afford housing.  In Mr. Frank’s mind, this is the same as attacking Black people.  Clearly, it’s Mr. Frank who is the racist, but that’s beside the point.”  Dr. Thingewesai explained that if a white, openly gay and racist Congressman can cry racism, racism must be meaningless.  “It truly is the end of an era.”

Dr. Avery Thingewesai is Racist

Other contributing factors include the Associated Press’s accusation that Governor Palin’s criticism of Senator Barack Obama’s ties to unrepentant terrorist William Ayers (who is white) “carry a racial tinge.”  Dr. Thingewesai explained “you see, the only one who is of any race other than white in that equation is Barack Obama.  The AP is clearly implying that any attack on Barack Obama must, therefore, be racist.  How else would you explain the linking of him to a white man as ‘carry[ing] a racial tinge’?”  The statement makes no sense unless “every attack on Barack Obama is, by it’s nature, assumed to be racist.”

Dr. Thingewesai also noted ciritcism of Gwen Ifill as another factor undermining the impact of charges of racism.  “Here you have a woman who has written a book that, if one side wins, she will benefit financially and professionally.  This is the legal and technical definition of bias.  If she were a witness in a trial, her bias would be clear as a matter of law.  And yet, somehow it is racist to raise the topic.  Again, racism is now meaningless.”

• While visiting the destroyed Back To the Future set at Universal Studios in California, McCain asked “so does the time machine still work?“
• Speaking to a group of fellow veterans, McCain noted, “Many soldiers never came back, and I see some of those men here today.”
• When asked why he felt Californians would not vote for him over Senator Obama, McCain (R-Arizona) replied, “Sen. Obama, I think, is much better known, coming from a nearby state of Hawaii. So it’s not surprising that he would have an advantage in some of those states in the West.”
• Regarding the controversy over Reverend Wright, McCain said “The point I was making was not that Reverend Wright harbors any racial animosity. He doesn’t. But he is a typical black person who, uh, if he sees somebody in the government that he doesn’t know there’s a reaction that’s been been bred into our experiences that don’t go away and that sometimes come out in the wrong way and that’s just the nature of race in our society.”
• In a speech on foreign relations, McCain promised to “work with the President of England on trade issues in the European States.”
• Regarding his efforts to work with Democrats in office, McCain noted that “I’ve worked with members of the Democratic party in 57 states. I haven’t worked with anyone in Alaska or Rhode Island yet.”
• Speaking to a group of Pearl Harbor survivors, McCain, who was born in 1936, noted his connection with that day of infamy, “There was something stirring across the country because of what happened at Pearl Harbor. So Roberta and John S. McCain got together and John McCain Jr. was born. So don’t tell me I don’t have a claim on Pearl Harbor. Don’t tell me I’m not coming home to Pearl Harbor.”

Is it just me, or is there something terribly wrong here? I, of course, am too wealthy to qualify for these rebates. As one of those “fat cats who don’t pay taxes,” last year I paid over $90,000 in taxes last year (not including sales taxes, telecommunications excise, you-don’t-pay-enough-so-we’ll-charge-you-more taxes (state and federal) and countless indirect taxes on luxury items, like milk and gasoline). In fact, I’m so wealthy that they made a special “alternative” tax just for me.

All of this wealth, and yet my wife and I have one car, can’t afford to buy a house and still have over $100,000 in consumer and student loan debt. It’s great to be wealthy, I just wish it didn’t cost so much.

Of course, there are people who are less fortunate. People like George and Martha Doughn-Reade, who make less income than me, yet still decided to take out an interest only adjustable rate mortage to buy a house they couldn’t possibly afford. It doesn’t take a high-priced Manhattan lawyer to tell you that your payments after the interest-only period will nearly double, or worse.

Now that they’re in trouble, the government also wants me to step in and bail them out. So I’m paying for some schmuck to live in a house that I can’t even afford. To make things worse, the fact that this guy won’t be forced to sell his house means the inflated housing market will stay inflated that much longer. And to top it all off, even the government doesn’t think Mr. and Mrs. Doughn-Reade are smart enough to know there’s a rebate waiting for them. Must be an election year.

Now, the purpose of these rebates is to stimulate the economy. How, exactly, is someone who doesn’t know that an interest-only ARM is a bad idea, going to stimulate the economy with $600 in their pocket? Not to mention that this is a person who, according to the IRS, still doesn’t know that he or she qualifies for that rebate?

If you really want to stimulate the economy, (1) stop robbing people who are making a good living and (2) take your $168 billion and give it to small businesses, who are the heart and soul of the American economy. Of course, what do I know? I’m just one of the “top ten percent” who don’t pay any real taxes.

California governor Nancy Pelosi signed the Minority Birthrate Equivalence legislation today. The bill, which requires all child-bearing couples to ensure that at least 50% of their offspring belong to “specified groups.” The law, which is retroactive to January, is designed to alleviate the pressure on California companies subject to the Minority Hiring Requirements Law of 2009.

Under the MHRL, all California companies are required to hire at least 50% of their employees from minority or “specified groups.” The specialty groups include racial minorities as well as the 27 “alternative sexual preference” groups. “This has been particularly difficult,” notes Henri Sunnible, professor of Social Quotas at University of California, Berkely. “You have to understand, that, by their nature, minorities represent less than 50% of the population.” Professor

“By encouraging families to have alternative children, and punishing those who do not, we will be ensuring that California companies will have a broad and diverse employee pool in 18-35 years, when these children enter the workforce,” explained Governor Pelosi.

The MHRL followed California’s passage of the Race-based Charity Enforcement Law, which required all charities to be at least 50% controlled by and donate at least 50% of their proceeds to “specialty group” charities.

The Department of Garnishment Redistribution and Administration of Benefits has noted that many workers are simply not cooperating with the mandatory insurance enrollment program.  “If people aren’t going to cooperate by earning enough money, we’re going to have to get more aggressive,” noted Hahn Dowt, a GRAB administrator.  “I think there are a number of mechanisms that are possible, including arresting those who refuse to make enough money to pay for their own healthcare.”

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March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….

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October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…

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March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…

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January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.

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October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.”

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

“Islam is a peaceful religion,” noted one rioter, “but name a small, harmless bear after the Prophet and the only punishment is death.”  Religious scholar and militant anti-infidel  Vikra Zebuggers agrees.  “It is right there in the Koran after ‘Family Fun with Beheadings’,  just before the chapter on flogging rape victims.”

Other rioters were not so deferential.  “Anyone who names a teddy bear Mohammad , or allows school children to name their teddy bear Mohammad,” screamed one rioter, “in the name of the peaceful religion of Allah, should be beheaded.”  A nearby rioter agreed, “even the school children should be beheaded.  In fact,” she added, “I should be beheaded for even hearing about it.”

In pardoning the British schoolteacher, President Omar Hassan al-Bashir noted that “we cannot allow this controversy to distract us from our genocidal plans in Darfur.”