“We here at EventRoots believe that it is the moral duty of hotel owners and convention centers to provide us a forum to express our vitriol against them,” noted Hope Okrasy, spokeswoman for EventRoots.  “We are a nation of laws,” she continued, “and those laws should require private businesses to provide us with a public forum to air our ideas, no matter how condescending, hypicritical or idiotic.”  The group’s website states that it is in favor of defending individual rights, intellectual property and personal freedom, “even if it means seizing hotel and conference room space at the point of a gun.”

Ms. Okrasy is calling for EventRoots supporters to join the EventRoots Congress in Providence, Rhode Island next year.  “We want our supporters to come out of their parents’ basement and show their support for the cause.”

To: pantsonfire@hotmale.ng
From: earl.whitley@ga-bulldogs.com
Subject: An interesting busniess propasitun for yuo!

After years of allowing foreign nationals to cross the Arizona border into the United States, Governor Napolitano was hand-picked by President Obama to run the vast government agency charged with protecting the entire United States border and all of its domestic interests.  It can now be revealed that she has cleverly devised a system, which, as she has said, worked perfectly to ensnare Mutallab:

• Step 1: Allow a suspected terrorist on a watch list to board a plane with easily detectable explosives strapped to himself.
• Step 2: Hope that he is unable to detonate said explosives.  Passengers left to fend for themselves.
• Step 3: Warn other flights within 60-90 minutes (if they have not blown up already by then–heck the Twin Towers were down in just over 100 minutes.)
• Step 4: If Step 2 is a success (Yay-even a broke clock is right twice a day!) arrest him and repeat until we fail–be sure to go on talk shows and say how the system worked like clockwork.
• Step 5: If Step 2 fails, get a mop and blame Bush.

Collette Aural-Dommage, a DHS spokesperson, noted that, “through this painstakingly devised scheme, we will arrest or eliminate every terrorist who attempts to blow up an airplane.”  In addition to this state of the art system, where terrorists are allowed to board flights to the U.S. and then arrested if/when they arrive (known informally as “Release, Hope and Catch), airport security screening efforts have been increased.

Luke D. Otterweih, a spokesman for the TSA, has said that all passengers will be required to “strip naked, stick a plunger up their rectum,” and vomit up any liquids they have ingested during the past 3 days.  “Except, of course,” he added, “folks on the watch list or no fly list–they go right on through.”

On June 12, Customs and Border Patrol Officer (CBP) May Dupname apprehended Yemeni-born terrorist named Muhammed bin-Traanin Tukilual.  Mr. Tukilual was stopped while crossing the border with 500 lbs of C4, 20 fully automatic assault rifles, and a map with directions to 10 suburban daycare centers.  While apprehending Mr. Tukilual, Officer Dupname waited more than 10 minutes before Mirandizing him and then “accidentally” put his handcuffs on so tight he complained for nearly 3 minutes.  This woman needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

On September 11, 2001, while attempting to evacuate victims of the attacks, several firefighters reportedly said phrases like “come on guys, let’s go” and “hurry up fellas,” “and oh, man, come on.” The DOJ is concerned that this may have offended some women and transgendered individuals who were present or who later watched news reports or listened to the emergency responder tapes. Please review the tapes and suggest disciplinary action for the firefighters (posthumously if necessary).

News reports and anecdotal evidence indicates that Marines deployed in Fallujah in 2004 apparently used obscenities while being fired upon by insurgents. The winning of hearts and minds is a critical part of the war in Iraq and POTUS wants to be sure our enlisted personnel are putting forward the best image of U.S. sensibilities. Please review all news accounts, transcripts and after action reports and recommend disciplinary or criminal action for the Marines (again, posthumously if necessary).

The Wall Street Journal, other financial media outlets and business leaders have repeatedly referred to the day after Thanksgiving as “Black Friday,” potentially offending African Americans and other people of color. DOJ should discourage this through legal process. File a legal proceeding against the Wall Street Journal (it doesn’t matter what the cause of action is) and harangue them with two years worth of discovery. When they are willing to settle, make this part of the consent decree.

As you know, we recently dismissed charges against three Black Panthers arising out of events in the 2008 election.  The Black Panther Party is planning on sending armed thugs to patrol the midterm elections next November. We have learned that they intend to intimidate white voters and suppress conservative and independent turnout in order to ensure a Democrat majority.  In order to avoid another embarrassing media circus, please ensure that no media is present at election cites where the Black Panthers are intimidating voters, and also make sure no arrests are made.

Looking forward to living in a 9/10 world again, if we survive.

"So sorry about the whole invasion thing. Won't happen again."

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Obama Fails to Apologize for U.S. Aggression towards Vichy France

In his remarks at the 65th anniversary of the Normandy landings, President Obama failed to apologize for imposing our system of government upon the peaceful people of Vichy France.  Indeed, Mr. Obama noted that Nazism was “a competing vision of humanity. Nazi ideology sought to subjugate, humiliate, and exterminate. It perpetrated murder on a massive scale, fueled by a hatred of those who were deemed different and therefore inferior. It was evil.”

It was left to the listener to consider how Nazism (or Bushido) was any different than the brutal regime of Saddam Hussein, or the inhumane and sadistic regime of the Taliban.  After all, just two days earlier, Obama had said “I know there has been controversy about the promotion of democracy in recent years, and much of this controversy is connected to the war in Iraq. So let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.”

Obama was also on the defensive over rumors of a split with our European allies, despite his rainbow unicorn pony campaign promises of better relations with Europe.  As if on cue, election results in the European Parliamentary elections and in local elections in the United Kingdom showed a growing tilt to the right in Europe.  Not to worry, Obama still has Gordon Brown.  In his D-Day speech he called it “Obama Beach“ instead of “Omaha Beach”:

We Can’t Impose Democracy, but Healthcare. . .

We cannot force democracy on a brutal rapist regime,  but we can force your boss to fire half of his staff so the rest will get health care.  Ted Kennedy (D-rink up) introduced a bill that would force employers to provide health care coverage or face public executions.  Just kidding, no one has read the bill, nor is it completed yet, but just like the stimulus bill, we’re sure it will all work out fine.  What we do know is not pleasant, and mostly involves government intrusion into your medical file. On the plus side, the Obama administration announced it plans to take a more active role in the health care mandate debate. No doubt czars will be appointed.

Quickly, More Kumbayah Songbooks in Farsi!

An IAEA reported was leaked on Friday warning that Iran has 5,000 operational centrifuges, and now has a stockpile of 1,339 kg of low-enriched Uranium. Such an amount would be enough, when further enriched, for at least one nuclear weapon.  The same day, the Obama administration announced that an Iranian delegation would attend a G8 summit alongside Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the end of the month.  As if also on cue, former President Carter praised Obama’s Mideast policy.  Mr. Carter’s policy, you will recall, lead to our current state of affairs with Iran, not to mention seizure of a U.S. embassy, the kidnapping and holding of U.S. personnell and ultimately, the downfall of his failed presidency.

Afghanistan

It was also reported on Friday that the Pentagon would be sending 1,000 Special Forces operators to Afghanistan. The commandos will engage in counter-insurgency and will be assisting in the broader, 24,000 strong surge ordered by President Obama. No that was not a typo. I suppose we can impose democracy on some people, after all.

Looters Ball

The Obama administration and its Democratic colleagues continued to assert undue influence on business this weekend. Although the administration swore it didn’t intend and would not allow the government to interfere in the day-to-day operations of its new toy, General Motors, Barney Frank (D-ispicable) bragged on Friday that he had strongarmed GM into keeping open (at least until next election day) a plant in Frank’s district which GM had previously announced would close.   Also on Friday, the FDIC announced it is trying to squeeze out management at Citigroup, the nation’s largest bank.

In response to negative jobs numbers, Vice President Biden noted that “less bad” employment numbers were not the administration’s goal.  This seems in conflict with President Obama’s repeated assertion that his plan would “create or save” 3.5 million jobs and that the stimulus bill has already “saved” 150,000 jobs.  Politico also noticed on Friday that a political pattern seems to be emerging in the Obama administration’s stimulus pork tour: all of the trips have been to states Obama won in 2008.

D’Oh, Canada!

In the Unintended Consequences department, Canadians are becoming increasingly angry over the stimulus bill’s “Buy American” rule.  An organization representing Canadian mayors have enacted their own “Buy Canadian” law.

Nobody Expects the Global Warming™ Inquisition

The principle difference between a science and a religion is how it treats its own skeptics.  This is why astrology can more fairly be called a science than can the Global Warming™ movement.  After all, no one was ever called a holocaust denier or accused of treason because they said an Aries can be even tempered.

Add to the growing list of heretics, Mirabile Investment Corporation (MIC).  MIC  owns more than 40 Burger King franchises across Tennessee, Arkansas and Mississippi and is currently in a dispute with Burger King (the franchiser) over roadside signs that say “Global warning is baloney.”

Relatedly, Saturday held the third annual International Conference on Climate Change, a sort of heretical ball.  Meanwhile, western North Dakota saw its first June snowfall in nearly 60 years and the Saturday high temperature in Green Bay set a low record for June 6.

More Criminal Ties and other Embarrassments in Washington

An elderly couple were arrested on Friday and charged with spying for Cuba for over 30 years. Walter Kendall Myers and his wife, Gwendolyn Myers, both in their 70′s, had worked for the State Department and had allegedly been spying for Cuba since the last Carter administration.

Last week, we reported on Congressman Murtha’s ties to an allegedly corrupt defense contractor, Kuchera Defense Systems, from whom Murtha received over $60,000 in campaign and PAC contributions and to whom Murtha directly steered millions in taxpayer money.  On Friday, it was reported that two of the principal members of that firm were convicted drug dealers.

Heavy rain and a broken sewer pipe caused the obesely over budget monument to government waste known as the Capitol Visitor Center to flood on Friday. The irony, of course, is that the Capitol Visitor Center was designed solely to protect tourists from the weather. As the Agitator points out, it has “a TV studio (with make-up room) for members to record messages to their constituents, a 450-seat dining area, two orientation theaters, an auditorium, and an exhibition hall.” Just like any government program, the bells and whistles may look pretty, but the primary purpose is long forgotten.  Still want government healthcare?

Speaking of embarrassment in D.C., a new blog chronicles the self-important stylings of tomorrow’s corrupt government leaders. Check out Spotted: DC Summer Interns for the awkward, deluded truth about Congressional interns.

Obama Administration Moves

Philip Mudd, Obama’s pick to head the intelligence arm of the Department of Homeland Security, withdrew his nomination on Friday. Mr. Mudd previously held the position of deputy director of the Office of Terrorism Analysis at the CIA, where he was involved in the enhanced interrogation techniques Mr. Obama now says he deplores and Mrs. Pelocchio says she was not uninformed about being briefed regarding having been told that the briefings occurred.  No word on why Mr. Obama is so squeamish about defending his pick for the post, but Tom Daschel, Bill Richardson, and Nancy Killifer, were unavailable for comment. As were Jeremiah Wright, William Ayers and Obama’s grandmother. But the wheels on the bus keep turning: thump, thump, thump.

Speaking of profiles in courage, the Obama administration will not be attending the National Mayor’s Association conference in order to avoid having to cross a union picket line. In the “win” column, the Obama administration appointed renowned hacker Jeff Moss to DHS’s Advisory Council. This is like hiring a professional burglar to secure your home.

“The relationship between Europe and the US includes centuries of co-existence and cooperation, but also conflict and war. Until recently, tension has been fed by a Cold War where European countries were too often treated as proxies without regard to their own aspirations.”

“Pearl Harbor was an enormous trauma to our country. The fear and anger that it provoked was understandable, but in some cases, it led us to act contrary to our ideals.   Defending our nation from attack has never been an American ideal, and I promise to return us to the defenselessness of our early days.”

“Let me also address the issue of Normandy. Unlike the war in the Pacific, the war in Europe was a war of choice that provoked strong differences in my country and around the world. After all, it was Japan, not Germany that attacked us.  Although I believe that the people of Europe are ultimately better off without the tyranny of Adolph Hitler, I also believe that events in France and Germany have reminded America of the need to use diplomacy and build international consensus to resolve our problems whenever possible.”

“Let me be clear: no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.  Those in Poland, Germany, the Czech Republic and elsewhere who chose to live under national socialism, or later, Soviet communism, should have been left to their own devices.  Those Americans, Brits, Canadians and Free French who spilled their blood here 65 years ago were clearly the aggressors, and we apologize.”

Here are some quotes from Joe Biden’s trip to Europe. He was apparently followed around by a roaming band of crickets.

10.  “Ya know, as I wuz sayin’ to Sharkossy yesterday, France is a wonderful country. I’m so glad we saved your behind in the big one.  And hey, it takes a really smart country to elect such a short guy.” [Crickets]

9.  “Hey Queenie, thanks for having me here in Jolly Ole England. I love it here, I really do. I remember when my dad was a coal miner here.”

8.  “I wanna thank Prince Charles, and his lovely wife Princess Diana, she’s great, isn’t she?  Hasn’t changed a bit in twenty years.  Oh, God luv ya, what am I talkin’ about.”

7.  “Angela, by the way — she’s a real handsome woman, ain’t she? — Angela Merkel and I were just talking about how organized you folks are over here. I mean you need to show your papers to take a crap. I thought Hitler lost the war.” [Crickets].

6.  “Wow, I feel like an Armenian in a Turkish restaurant.” [Crickets].

5.  “And look at Turkey.  Here is the first mainstream Muslim nation that is articulate and advanced and a nice-looking place.  I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

4.  “When you Germans invaded Czechoslovakia, Prime Minister Winston Churchill  went on TV and told people what was going on — that’s leadership.”

3.  “So I told Reagan, I sez, ‘Ronnie, if you keep doing what you’re doing in Afghanistan, in twenty years, we’re gonna have a problem with this bin Laden guy.’ And you know what he said, ‘Been who?’”

2.  “‘Sharkossy,’ I gotta tell ya, your wife is hot–I mean smokin’. Whoo-hoo.” This was met by polite, but awkward, applause from the audience at the French Women for Equality Rally. “Go ahead and stand up, show ‘em yer gams Carla–man if I was twenty years smarter…what a doll!”

1.   “Now president [looks at notes, mumbles] Yushchenko, I want you to know, Russian troops may come over that hill — heck they might be on their way right now — but Obama and I — we may make some mistakes, we might not seem like we know what we’re doing, but if your gird your loins, we’ll do some serious diplomacy before they have a chance to shoot you and your family in the public square.”

As Legal Insurrection notes, Pelosi’s prior comments (more of which, I assume will be rediscovered soon enough) paint a very different picture of her reaction in 2002.  But let’s take a mental trip with the Nanny from Franny and see what her world might have looked like, through the eyes of two CIA officers in 2002.

[Setting:  It's a year after 9-11.  People are still opening their mail with gloves on to avoid Anthrax.  Everyone is waiting for the next terror scare, and even Democrats are saying things like "do what you have to do" to stop it.  In fact, they'll still be saying that two years later!

American flags are still waving proudly.  Iraq is still controlled by Saddam Hussein. Obama is a state senator. Michelle Obama is not yet proud of her country.  Code pink is probably inappropriate slang for an attractive girl.

Frank Leigh Maideere is a CIA official who has (or whose team has) gotten approval from the President directly to use enhanced interrogation techniques.  The technique works, and he prevented an attack on LA and broke up an enormous cell in Indonesia.  He's told he needs to brief two Congressmen on the matter.]

[A dingy internal office at CIA headquarters, September 2002.  Flamenco music plays.]

Joe King: “Hey Frank.  What are you doing?”

Frank Leigh Maideere:  “Oh, hey Joe.  I’m just preparing my briefing for tomorrow with Pelosi and Goss.  I’m supposed to tell them about the enhanced interrogation techniques that we’re using in Gitmo.”

Joe: “How’s it going.”

Frank: “Well Joe, I’m gonna do something crazy.”

Joe: “What’s that?”

Frank:  “Well, instead of telling them we’ve used waterboarding and it worked really well, I’m gonna tell them we haven’t used it yet, but we might use it, and if we do, we’ll be sure to ask permission first.”

Joe:  “Very funny Frank — you know you can’t do that!  First, you’ll get fired.  Second, you’ll probably be prosecuted and, knowing how we keep all those records, you’re sure to be found out.  And on top of that, why bother?”

Frank: “What do you mean?”

Joe: “Well, it’s a year after 9-11.  Even Democrats are saying we need to do whatever is necessary to prevent the next attack.”

Frank:  “True, but I really, really want to lie to Congress about something before I retire.”

Joe: “Ha ha.  Seriously.  Why on Earth wouldn’t you want to tell Congress what we’re doing–especially if it saved lives?”

Frank:  “Well, I just like messing with Congress, ya know?”

Joe: “So let me get this straight:  You’ve prevented at least one terrorist attack on the US and busted up a huge al-Qaeda cell in Indonesia.  You’ve done all this by tricking an unrepentant  terrorist into thinking he’s drowning.  And the guy is perfectly healthy now.”

Frank: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Joe: “And you’re incredibly busy now, trying to prevent the next wave of attacks.  You haven’t slept more than 2 hours a night in the past year and have had no vacation time.  And have precious little time to devote to a complicated scheme to defraud Congress.”

Frank:  “True.”

Joe: “Anything else I should know?”

Frank: “Well, in 6 years, a first term Senator will slip into office on an anti-Bush agenda, making everyone think what we’re doing is wrong.  Even though he plans to keep using the same techniques, he’s going to allow Congress to investigate.  When he does, this will all lead back to me.”

Joe: “Okay.  So tomorrow, you have the choice of either (i) telling the chair and ranking member of the intelligence community the good news that we have prevented a major attack using a relatively harmless technique or (ii) lying to them about how we learned the information, even though they have publicly said they are committed to doing whatever is necessary?”

Frank: “That’s about it.”

Joe:  “And if you tell the truth, you’ll be cleared of any wrongdoing by their informed consent.  But, if you lie, you will be the only person on the hook and most likely promptly found out, fired and prosecuted.  At best, you will have a cool story to tell your grand kids.”

Frank: “That’s about it.”

Joe: “Why on Earth would you lie to Congress?”

Frank:  “I’m a loner.  A rebel.  And besides, where’s the fun in covering your behind.”

Joe: “I think you need to rest.”