Christmas Bomber Exposes American Homeland Security System
Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab boarded his flight from Nigeria to Amsterdam, and then on to Detroit, Michigan, with neither a passport, luggage, nor a return ticket–he had only two things an easily detectable bomb and a devious plan to embarrass the Obama administration on a secular Friday in late December. But Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, or Captain Clueless, as she is known in the international community (a reference, no doubt, to the the fact the she always needs fewer clues to solve a mystery), is just smarter than your average terrorist.
After years of allowing foreign nationals to cross the Arizona border into the United States, Governor Napolitano was hand-picked by President Obama to run the vast government agency charged with protecting the entire United States border and all of its domestic interests. It can now be revealed that she has cleverly devised a system, which, as she has said, worked perfectly to ensnare Mutallab:
- Step 1: Allow a suspected terrorist on a watch list to board a plane with easily detectable explosives strapped to himself.
- Step 2: Hope that he is unable to detonate said explosives. Passengers left to fend for themselves.
- Step 3: Warn other flights within 60-90 minutes (if they have not blown up already by then–heck the Twin Towers were down in just over 100 minutes.)
- Step 4: If Step 2 is a success (Yay-even a broke clock is right twice a day!) arrest him and repeat until we fail–be sure to go on talk shows and say how the system worked like clockwork.
- Step 5: If Step 2 fails, get a mop and blame Bush.
Collette Aural-Dommage, a DHS spokesperson, noted that, “through this painstakingly devised scheme, we will arrest or eliminate every terrorist who attempts to blow up an airplane.” In addition to this state of the art system, where terrorists are allowed to board flights to the U.S. and then arrested if/when they arrive (known informally as “Release, Hope and Catch), airport security screening efforts have been increased.
Luke D. Otterweih, a spokesman for the TSA, has said that all passengers will be required to “strip naked, stick a plunger up their rectum,” and vomit up any liquids they have ingested during the past 3 days. “Except, of course,” he added, “folks on the watch list or no fly list–they go right on through.”