Russian Federation Claims North Pole; Blames Global Warming™
President Vladimir Putin announced that Russia will claim the North Pole as a territory. The Russian expedition, which set out from Vladivostok last week, is an attempt to restore Russian quality of life, which has deteriorated due to Global Warming™.
Russian society has long thrived on cold, inhospitable weather. Now that Global Warming™ has made Moscow and even parts of Siberia nearly inhabitable, Putin has directed his administration to boldly go where no warm blooded mammals have gone before, to seek out new, colder, more inhospitable places. “Heev you eeever trite to leeve on vodka, potaytos aynd beets in varm veather?” asked Mr. Putin.