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All the News That is Fit to Print, And Then Some

Monday, July 3, 2006
By Dan

New York Times
Metropolis, July 3, 2006
Man of Steel or Kansas Farmboy?
The New York Times has learned that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person. Mr. Kent, a reporter for the Daily Planet, has apparently been disguising his identity for the last 10 years or more. He has worked as a reporter for the Daily Planet since 1999, according to records obtained by the New York Times, the same year the Superman first appeared in Metropolis, prior to his 5-year absence. “Superman,” a.k.a. Clark Kent was ostensibly searching for his home-world, without luck.

“In retrospect,” said one fellow reporter who preferred to remain anonymous, “it’s kind of obvious that the two of them disappeared at the same time.”

Shocked and hurt by Superman’s cruel deception, Lois Lane–Clark Kent’s fellow reporter and Superman’s alleged paramour–lashed out. “No comment,” she cried with the rage of a woman scorned in her eyes.

Ms. Lane’s son, Jason, is rumored to be the Superman’s love-child. Dr. Maydjaluke at the Metropolis Scientific Institute says that, if true, the boy will likely eventually posses the same powers as his alleged father, Superman. “That is not to say that he is invulnerable now. It is very likely that he is now between the stages of boy and superboy, as it were. I’m sure a sufficiently sharp object could kill him until he were in his mid-teens.”

The New York Times has also learned that Superman himself is not entirely invulnerable. Apparently radioactive pieces of his home-world, known as Kryptonite, are deadly to him. Dr. Maydjaluke confirmed that, even in small amounts, ingestion and metabolization of kryptonite would probably kill him. “Unlike a simple shiv or a kryptonite bullet, either of which can be removed, ingestion of the kryptonite would probably be irreversible and lead unalterably to his death,” Dr. Maydjaluke said. “So make sure your morning coffee is kryptonite free, Mr. Kent,” added Dr. Maydjaluke.

We caught up with Mr. Kent at the Starbucks at 43rd and Lexington, where he buys his unique triple cappuccino with extra full-fat cream. With guilt trodden eyes and blushing with a sense of remorse, Mr. Kent denied the allegations.

Mr. Kent, a native of Smallville, is still very close with his widowed mother, Martha Kent, who lives at 33614 Prairie Oak Drive, Smallville Kansas, and frequently spends her time alone. Indeed, the nearest neighbor to the Kent farm is certainly outside of earshot and cannot be seen without a telescope. Mr. Kent is said to have been devastated at the loss of his father several years ago and “would have done anything to have him back.”

Mr. Kent denies the charge and his alter ego, Superman, has asked this paper not to publish this report. Although the New York Times understands the need for some personal privacy, we feel the public’s right to know trumps any one (or even two) person’s privacy.

Indeed, the public has already expressed its appreciation for our principled reporting:

Thank you so much for your wonderfully informative article. Can you confirm whether Mrs. Kent keeps any firearms in her home? Also, what are your rates for classifieds–say a full-page ad for oceanside land in Arizona?
-L. Luther, Metropolis

Wonderful story New York Times! I love all the information you provide on a daily basis–can’t get enough of it. Speaking of which, would you know when the next meteorology exhibit showing a sample of kryptonite would be? I would love to see it for myself.
-Dr. M. Fine, whereabouts unknown.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the story! I wonder if you know whether that Starbucks is hiring? Your employment section was mum about it. Cheers!
-Oswald Lumis, Metropolis Penitentiary (temporary address).

Shockingly good reporting! Could Dr. Maydjaluke say whether young Jason Lane is yet impervious to electricity?
-Leslie Willis, Metropolis.

[Grunts]. Me like. Me kill you last.
-Doomsday, Outerspace.

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