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Bill Gates “Cures” Capitalism

Thursday, January 24, 2008
By Dan

January 24, 2008
Microsoft founder Bill Gates today announced a project to “fix” capitalism, so that it better servers poor and developing nations.  The project, tentatively titled the “Modified System for Distribution Of Services”, will be unveiled in 6 months.  “This project will bring wealth to the masses in the same way that Microsoft brought computer technology to the masses,” noted Mr. Gates in Davos….


March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….


October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…


March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…


January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.


October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.”

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

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