Additional Investigations Planned By Obama and Holder
As you know, Obama is investigating the CIA for literally blowing smoke in the faces of terrorists. This, apparently is too much for the tender sensibilities of our new president. The Daily Danet has uncovered an internal Department of Justice memorandum from Attorney General Holder to his staff, detailing plans for investigations of prior transgressions:
On June 12, Customs and Border Patrol Officer (CBP) May Dupname apprehended Yemeni-born terrorist named Muhammed bin-Traanin Tukilual. Mr. Tukilual was stopped while crossing the border with 500 lbs of C4, 20 fully automatic assault rifles, and a map with directions to 10 suburban daycare centers. While apprehending Mr. Tukilual, Officer Dupname waited more than 10 minutes before Mirandizing him and then “accidentally” put his handcuffs on so tight he complained for nearly 3 minutes. This woman needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
On September 11, 2001, while attempting to evacuate victims of the attacks, several firefighters reportedly said phrases like “come on guys, let’s go” and “hurry up fellas,” “and oh, man, come on.” The DOJ is concerned that this may have offended some women and transgendered individuals who were present or who later watched news reports or listened to the emergency responder tapes. Please review the tapes and suggest disciplinary action for the firefighters (posthumously if necessary).
News reports and anecdotal evidence indicates that Marines deployed in Fallujah in 2004 apparently used obscenities while being fired upon by insurgents. The winning of hearts and minds is a critical part of the war in Iraq and POTUS wants to be sure our enlisted personnel are putting forward the best image of U.S. sensibilities. Please review all news accounts, transcripts and after action reports and recommend disciplinary or criminal action for the Marines (again, posthumously if necessary).
The Wall Street Journal, other financial media outlets and business leaders have repeatedly referred to the day after Thanksgiving as “Black Friday,” potentially offending African Americans and other people of color. DOJ should discourage this through legal process. File a legal proceeding against the Wall Street Journal (it doesn’t matter what the cause of action is) and harangue them with two years worth of discovery. When they are willing to settle, make this part of the consent decree.
As you know, we recently dismissed charges against three Black Panthers arising out of events in the 2008 election. The Black Panther Party is planning on sending armed thugs to patrol the midterm elections next November. We have learned that they intend to intimidate white voters and suppress conservative and independent turnout in order to ensure a Democrat majority. In order to avoid another embarrassing media circus, please ensure that no media is present at election cites where the Black Panthers are intimidating voters, and also make sure no arrests are made.
Looking forward to living in a 9/10 world again, if we survive.