New terror alert system: No Drama, Cool, Wee Weed Up, Deep Concern, Grave Concern
The Obama administration announced a new terror alert system today. The new levels will be effective April 26 and will be (in decreasing order of severity)
- No Drama. The preferred, natural state of things. Decisions are guarded with extreme secrecy, but the atmosphere is one of cohesion, a sense of camaraderie, and the lack of drama. Biden gets a pat on the back.
- Cool. Smoking habits increase, rounds of golf are more tense and Teleprompter warmed up. Biden gets the occasional icy glare.
- Wee-Weed Up. Standard alert for August and September. Key metrics are demagoguery; inability to eat your waffles; irrational clinging to guns and religion. Biden gets head slap.
- Deep Concern. “Long planned” family vacation taken abruptly. Carefully worded statement drafted for circulation among stakeholders warning that both sides must show restraint, and honor our traditions of [insert tradition here]. Fundamental rights must be respected, violence avoided and open communications allowed. Biden slapped silly, sent to war zone.
- Grave Concern. All 58 states put on high alert; hands extended (preferably over our head, with palms out) to those with clenched fists. International community mobilized; clinging to guns and religion now rational. Harshly worded statement issued regarding international norms and standards of common decency; use of violence strongly condemned. Biden sent to undisclosed location at US Naval Observatory.