Word Games
By Dan | September 23, 2005 - 1:42 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Weather

September 32, 2005
MainstreaMedia. Houston, Tx. The Whitehouse continues to fight off criticism that its racist policies led to the intentional slaughter of thousands in the New Orleans by hurricane Katrina while comparatively few of the affluent white residents of southeast Texas were injured by hurricane Rita. Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan said today that the “good fortune that befell Texas was the result of a weaker storm hitting a better prepared area.” McClellan then claimed that “the citizens of Texas knew all too well what such a storm could do, having witnessed the aftermath of Katrina.”

Some, however, claim there are darker reasons for the disparate impacts. It has been suggested that the names of the storms may hold a clue to the Bush administration’s secret motives. “You see, ‘Katrina,’ the name the Bush administration gave the New Orleans storm, and ‘Rita’ have four letters in common,” says one dispassionately objective observer, preferring to remain nameless. “Well,” Mr. Moore continues, “if you subtract ‘R-I-T-A’ from Katrina, what’s that spell? ‘K-A-N.’ Just one letter away from ‘Klan.’”

And that letter, the letter L, points out this dispassionately objective observer, is the one letter that right wing zealots, like Mr. Bush, despise. “He doesn’t even have one in his name. And what label begins with L? Liberal.” He continues, “His father didn’t have one in his name, and President Reagan went by ‘Ronnie’ to avoid the L in his first name.” “I mean, look at the facts: George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Ronnie Reagan, Richard Nixon, Dwight David Eisenhower, Herbert Hoover, Warren G. Harding, Taft. Even Chester A. Arthur. All 10 Republicans, not one single L.”

In fact, other than the aforementioned Ronald Reagan, the only Republican president since Calvin Coolidge to have an L in his name was Gerald R. Ford, who was never elected to the office, but appointed by President Nixon to replace the discredited Spiro Agnew. “And look at how prominent the R is!” points out Mr. Moor–er, the dispassionately objective observer.

Conversely, Democratic Presidents have embraced their L’s: William Clinton (who also went by the L-trodden “Bill,” James Earl Carter, Lyndon Johnson, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Franklin Delano Roosevelt is believed to be the only U.S. President with an L in each of his three names, and with good reason. And don’t forget, Grover Cleveland-two L’s and two separate Presidencies. “Even as far back as James K. Polk, the L was proudly shown,” adds Mr. Moore. “You know what else doesn’t have an L? Saudi Arabia. Iraq. Afghanistan. Korea. Syria. Osama. It’s all right there.”

So, concludes our dispassionately objective observer, “from Calvin Coolidge on up, you’ve seen this L-phobia. They sure weren’t going to let one slip in on the hurricane names.” Could the naming of these two storms, Katrina and Rita, be meant as a clear sign that Bush is a Klansman, asks the observer. The Whitehouse refuses to address these questions.

In a related story, a former Texas national guard officer claims to have obtained a secret, internal memorandum regarding the 2005 Hurricane names. According to the memo, authenticated by MainstreaMedia, Karl Rove, the President’s political adviser, suggested the name “Klatrina” for the list. The Whitehouse has again refused to comment.

Supreme Court Confirms Right to Privacy
By Dan | September 16, 2005 - 8:37 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Government, Best Of, Legal, Today in History

May 27, 2010
Washington: In a landmark ruling today, the Supreme Court announced that the right to privacy, first announced in Griswold v. Connecticut and later used to prohibit states from making abortion illegal in Roe v. Wade, extends to an individual’s selection of their vehicle. Speaking for the Court, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote “Petitioner [Mrs. Ann Tambewakie] has the unalienable right to select the car (or SUV) of her choosing. The state cannot restrict her decision on the basis of its ‘compelling interest’ in fuel economy.”

Kennedy further explained that the recent case of Kennedy v. Massachussets, involving former Senator Edward M. Kennedy, set forth the proposition that, like a house, a car is a man’s castle. “The confluence of the First, Fourth and Fifth Amemdments described in Kennedy is clearly applicable here. If the state cannot compel an individual to surrender criminal physical evidence from a vehicle, such as the remains of a personal assistant, a fortiori, it cannot dictate what vehicle the individual may drive–whether on or off of bridges.”

Speaking for the respondent, the State of California, Jonathan Knottat-Albright expressed his displeasure with the Court’s ruling. “I suppose we have to abide by it. This certainly puts a damper on Proposition 374.” Proposition 374, as we have reported, is the controversial ballot initiative to make the purchase, sale or rental of an SUV in California a capital offense.

In other Court news, Justice Antonin Scalia is said to be doing well in Bethesda Medical Center today. The renowned conservative jurist was admitted late last night after suffering repeated blunt-force trauma to his forehead. Court insiders say the wounds were self-inflicted.

9/11 — Four Years Later
By Dan | September 14, 2005 - 2:27 pm - Posted in Liberals, Op Ed, Government, Best Of, Foreign Affairs, 9/11

It has been four years since the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and there has not been a single additional attack on American soil. Of course, the Whitehouse isn’t pushing this (as the next attack might be tomorrow and the press would hang them with their words). And even more obviously, the mainstream media is not reporting this either, though for different reasons.

But can you imagine how ridiculous it would have been to predict on 9/12/01 that, in four years time, there would be no attack on U.S. soil? No one would possibly have taken you seriously. To be fair, it’s not all about the President’s policies: a great deal of luck is involved in thwarting attacks. But like in any other effort, a good anti-terror team makes its own luck.

If, like me, you plan to spend this week thinking about those who lost their lives on that horrible day, take a few moments to think about those who gave their lives to make this remarkable acheivement possible. Their names are listed here.

Another thing to keep in mind this week: on 9/11 we lost 2,996 people. Most of them civilians, all of them unarmed. Since the inception of Operation Enduring Freedom (October 7, 2001) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (March 19, 2003), the United States has lost 2,115 servicemen and women. After nearly four years of taking the fight to the enemy, we have yet to lose as many servicemen and women as we did civilians in one day of letting them take it to us.

There are lessons in there, but far be it for the Whitehouse communications office to point them out.

Too Fat to Trim
By Dan | - 12:25 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Op Ed, Government, Best Of, Taxes, Reagan

Mark your calendars. Today was the day the camel’s back finally snapped like a Jets win streak–quick and painful. The Republican party is dead from a massive corronary induced by its high-pork diet. Tom Delay pronounced the movement dead yesterday saying that there is no fat left to trim in the federal budget.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a staunch conservative. That’s exactly why this makes me want to puke. This is exactly the kind of hypocrisy that makes open revolt that more appealing to your average citizen.

The Citizens Against Government Waste have served this country far more than any of the fat, bloated morons in Congress (but I repeat myself). In their 2005 Congressional Pig Book, they list almost 14,000 pork projects. Perhaps the Congressman from Texas should read the report. Included in the section on Texas Pork Imports is $72,750 to rennovate the Joppa Rodeo; $2.5 Million on cotton research; $874,000 for Excellence in the Food Industry; and $1,624,000 to design food for health. Those are just a random sampling. Can someone tell me why taxpayers in DesMoines or Rochester need to subsidize the Dallas Rodeo industry? I’ve been to Dallas, and I can say with certainty that the rodeo-industrial complex is far from bankruptcy. And COTTON RESEARCH? What, exactly, is the great mystery about cotton? If the cotton industry can afford $20 million for advertising, I think they can pay for their own research. Excellence in the Food Industry and designing food for health? You have got to be kidding me. NATURE DESIGNS FOOD FOR HEALTH, YOU MORON. EAT AN APPLE.

Perhaps Mr. Delay should also read the Constitution. As my constitutional law professor, Thomas Shea, was very fond of pointing out, sometimes on pain of death, CONGRESS CANNOT LEGISLATE FOR THE GENERAL WELFARE. In our federal system, if the “government” decides something noble or altruistic is worth spending tax money, only the state and local governments can do so. Why? Because otherwise accountability will be so dilluted that no one will be able to stop themselves.

The whole point of local government is that you have a larger say in how your government is run. If the mayor of Dallas decided to raises taxes to subsidize the rodeo, he would probably (rightly) be voted out of office. If he decided to raise taxes in order to pay for “excellence in the food industry,” he would probably be hanged in the public square. But because these pork projects are paid for by FEDERAL tax dollars, the incremental increase in taxes is almost negligible. The benefits (to the extent there are any other than the “free” money handouts) are the same. So politicians can continue to feed at the trough and blame those in other states for the obscenely bloated federal budget.

So what’s the solution? Armed insurrection? Repeal the 16th Amendment? Selective assassination of politicians based on their spending record (this would be the John Kerry–VVAW option)? Readopt the US Constitution? Sadly, these would all take far longer than the average American attention span. So, we wait. We wait for the inevitable reversal of fortune that follows political revolution in the cycle of democracy: Unfairness - Commentary - Outrage - Political Revolt - Accession to Power - Corruption of Power - Unfairness, etc. You know, Reagan used to be a Democrat. He signed on to the Republican party when he realized two things, (1) 98% is too high a marginal rate for anyone to pay and (2) the modern Democratic party was in bed with the communists. One day, I fear, the Democratic party will discover the principles of fiscal responsibility. Perhaps they’ll also stop being pantywastes. On that day, I will register as a–egad–Democrat. Until then, I’ll have to wait them out.

Surprise Supreme Court Nomination
By Dan | September 12, 2005 - 1:21 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Best Of, Media & Marketing

September 32, 2005
MainStreamMedia: In a stunning turn of events, the Whitehouse today announced that it had selected another white, evangelical Christian man to replace outgoing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. In a brief press conference from the Oval Office, President Bush nominated Jesus H. Christ, our Lord and Savior, as the 112th Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.

Democrats immediately cried foul. “He’s very religious and, some would argue, well outside the mainstream. His views on abortion are certainly not what most Americans would support.” Argued Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “We had hoped he would nominate a woman to replace Justice O’Connor,” griped Senate minority leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “How far will this president go to undermine a woman’s right to choose and to shamelessly pander to the religious Right?” sniped Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

Several mainstream interest groups have filed suit, attempting to bar the nomination on constitutional grounds. The ACLU, Planned Parenthood and People for the American Way each filed legal briefs on the grounds that the nomination violates the constitutional principal of separation of church and state.

Republicans, anxious to quash accusations of discrimination, point out that Mr. Christ is, technically a minority. “He’s actually Jewish,” says one well-placed Republican staffer. In addition, they point out, his personal history would likely provide him with a unique perspective on capital punishment.

Democrats were still not happy with the nomination. “First of all, he’s a carpenter—not a lawyer or a judge. And I mean, second of all, he’s not even an American citizen. To top it all off, he’s not even among the living!” screeched democratic political commentator Susan Estritch. “There are somewhat troubling allegations of illegality, or at least impropriety, in His past,” pointed out Washington Post Columnist Ceci Connolly. “We really have to take a closer look at his record in Jerusalem.” Sources close to him claim that Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) is considering calling Pontius Pilot as a surprise character witness.

Mr. Christ was not available for comment.

Rather’s Last Hurricane
By Dan | - 10:11 am - Posted in Liberals, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Weather

[What follows is a transcript of Dan Rather’s one-night-only return broadcast.]
Good Evening, I’m Dan Rather. Tonight on 60-Minutes II, we will talk with Mayor Ray Nagin of New Orleans, about the hurricane evacuation plan, what went wrong and how it can be fixed. We will also hear from an anonymous source that claims to have an email from a high-ranking federal official–in the executive department–that is certain to raise eyebrows and anger over the federal response.

Rather: Mayor Nagin, tell us about your evacuation plan.

Mayor Nagin: We had a drill in 2004, for Hurricane Pam, a fictional category 3 hurrricane that struck the city. At that time, based on our performance and our existing evacuation plan, we estimated that 61,290 people would be killed.

Rather: 61,290 people?

Mayor Nagin: Roughly, yes.

Rather: And what, if anything, did you and Governor Blanco do in response to those findings–to that drill?

Mayor Nagin: We thought long and hard about the weaknesses of the plan and designed a new plan to avoid those problems. We created a blue-ribbon panel of english-lit professors, jazz musicians and gang members.

Rather: And what were the changes?

Mayor Nagin: Well, I have the plan here in its entirety. I can ready it to you if you like [Dan Rather nods approvingly]: “The Hurricane Evacuation and Rescue Plan for Greater New Orleans, Louisianna. Lousianna State Department of Homeland Security. August 1, 2004. Part I. What to do if a Category 4 or 5 Hurricane Approaches the City: Step 1. Blame Bush. Step 2, if Bush is not in office, shoot self.”

Welcome back. I’m still Dan Rather. As promised earlier, 60-Minutes II producers have uncovered a controversial email from Whitehouse Chief of Staff Andrew Card to the President’s chief political adviser, Karl Rove. . . .

The email, sent in August of 2004, reads as follows:

Compelling stuff. That’s all we have tonight, from all of us hear at 60-Minutes II: Courage.

Dispatches from the Future - September 9, 2011
By Dan | September 9, 2005 - 10:45 am - Posted in Liberals, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Weather, Today in History

CBS-MoveOn News: President Condoleeza Rice faced harsh criticism in the wake of Hurricane Karl, today. Karl, the second hurricane to hit the gulf region in less than a decade, caused massive destruction to the Gulf region. The federal government’s slow response has, once again, raised eyebrows. Some have even invoked the specter of racism. Last night on The CBS-MoveOn Evening News with Michael Moore, acting Senator Al Sharpton (D-NY) was asked whether he believed racism played a part in the government’s slow response:

Moore: “It took the U.S. military nearly 9 hours to evacuate greater New New Orleans. Am I right in assuming that it is because the majority of New New Orleans residents are middle-income black people?”

Sen. Sharpton: “Sure, why not.”

Moore: “Do you think the response would have been quicker if we had a real black President, like…”

Sen. Sharpton: “Me?”

Moore: “Haha. No, like Bill Clinton?”

President Rice, whose narrow 23% margin of victory over the late Hillary Clinton is still a source of controversy, ducked the question at a press conference yesterday. “That’s absurd. I’m black,” claimed President Rice.

“We will not allow this President to dodge and evade like her predecessor,” urged the gallant senior Senator from Massachusetts, John F. Kerry-Kennedy (D-MA). “We want a full investigation of this travesty with a bipartisan committee. When I saved the lives of 300,000 Cambodians during that horrible typhoon on Christmas Eve, 1968, I remember thinking, ‘I’m glad it only took me 8 hours.’ That typhoon is seared–seared–in my memory.” Senator Kerry-Kennedy suggested the chair of such a committee should be none other than his life partner, the retired Senator, Edward Kennedy. “If anyone knows about drowning in shallow water, it’s Teddy,” said Senator Kerry-Kennedy. The two were married in a civil ceremony in 2008, on the eve of the Senator’s reelection.

Senator Pelosi-Boxer (D-CA) joined the growing number of those calling for an independent investigation. “Nine hours! Nine hours. For nine hours, the President did nothing. We need to find out who is responsible for this horrible government incompetence.” Senator Pelosi-Boxer also called for the resignation of Rudi Giuliani, the Secretary of Homeland Security. “How could the President appoint this man to lead our nation in a crisis? He was a former prosecutor, what does he possibly know about disaster recovery?”

In an ugly and unseemly confrontation, Fox News reporter Wendell Goler asked Senator Pelosi-Boxer whether her call for a Democrat-dominated committee was inconsistent with recent electoral results. “Wouldn’t you say that it’s a little unrealistic to have a majority of Democrats on such a committee in light of the fact that Republicans enjoy a 75% majority in both houses of Congress.” The Senator, clearly undercut Mr. Goler’s question with her supremely logical reply: “Wendell, first, that’s an incredibly racist question. Second, the American people have spoken, and they know that the Democratic party speaks for them.”

Governor Honore (R-LA) finally spoke out today about the federal response. “You people are nuts. The hurricane came and I called the President. We had everyone out of the city before you people could set up a camera crew. This is BS.”

In other news, Chief Justice Roberts planned to welcome the unprecedented number of new justices on the high Court next month. After the deaths of Justices Ginsburg, Stevens and Souter at the ill-fated MoveOn-ACLU-Al Qaida In America retreat last Spring, President Rice had moved quickly to nominate Justices Estrada, Coulter and Schwarzenegger. The Justices were confirmed by the Senate yesterday on a party-line vote of 76-28, with Senators Alhabdi (I-Iraq) and Rodriguez (L-Cuba) abstaining.

Tonight on the CBS-MoveOn Evening News, anchor Michael Moore investigates General Motors’s decision to close another of it’s sedan manufacturing plant in Michigan and a Special Investigation by correspondent Jane Fonda: “Hovercars, What You Don’t Know May Kill You.”

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