September 32, 2005
MainstreaMedia. Houston, Tx. The Whitehouse continues to fight off criticism that its racist policies led to the intentional slaughter of thousands in the New Orleans by hurricane Katrina while comparatively few of the affluent white residents of southeast Texas were injured by hurricane Rita. Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan said today that the “good fortune that befell Texas was the result of a weaker storm hitting a better prepared area.” McClellan then claimed that “the citizens of Texas knew all too well what such a storm could do, having witnessed the aftermath of Katrina.”
Some, however, claim there are darker reasons for the disparate impacts. It has been suggested that the names of the storms may hold a clue to the Bush administration’s secret motives. “You see, ‘Katrina,’ the name the Bush administration gave the New Orleans storm, and ‘Rita’ have four letters in common,” says one dispassionately objective observer, preferring to remain nameless. “Well,” Mr. Moore continues, “if you subtract ‘R-I-T-A’ from Katrina, what’s that spell? ‘K-A-N.’ Just one letter away from ‘Klan.’”
And that letter, the letter L, points out this dispassionately objective observer, is the one letter that right wing zealots, like Mr. Bush, despise. “He doesn’t even have one in his name. And what label begins with L? Liberal.” He continues, “His father didn’t have one in his name, and President Reagan went by ‘Ronnie’ to avoid the L in his first name.” “I mean, look at the facts: George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, Ronnie Reagan, Richard Nixon, Dwight David Eisenhower, Herbert Hoover, Warren G. Harding, Taft. Even Chester A. Arthur. All 10 Republicans, not one single L.”
In fact, other than the aforementioned Ronald Reagan, the only Republican president since Calvin Coolidge to have an L in his name was Gerald R. Ford, who was never elected to the office, but appointed by President Nixon to replace the discredited Spiro Agnew. “And look at how prominent the R is!” points out Mr. Moor–er, the dispassionately objective observer.
Conversely, Democratic Presidents have embraced their L’s: William Clinton (who also went by the L-trodden “Bill,” James Earl Carter, Lyndon Johnson, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Franklin Delano Roosevelt is believed to be the only U.S. President with an L in each of his three names, and with good reason. And don’t forget, Grover Cleveland-two L’s and two separate Presidencies. “Even as far back as James K. Polk, the L was proudly shown,” adds Mr. Moore. “You know what else doesn’t have an L? Saudi Arabia. Iraq. Afghanistan. Korea. Syria. Osama. It’s all right there.”
So, concludes our dispassionately objective observer, “from Calvin Coolidge on up, you’ve seen this L-phobia. They sure weren’t going to let one slip in on the hurricane names.” Could the naming of these two storms, Katrina and Rita, be meant as a clear sign that Bush is a Klansman, asks the observer. The Whitehouse refuses to address these questions.
In a related story, a former Texas national guard officer claims to have obtained a secret, internal memorandum regarding the 2005 Hurricane names. According to the memo, authenticated by MainstreaMedia, Karl Rove, the President’s political adviser, suggested the name “Klatrina” for the list. The Whitehouse has again refused to comment.