Fraud is the Sincerest Form of Eco-Flattery
By Dan | April 30, 2007 - 9:18 am - Posted in Op Ed, Weather

I find myself more than a little amused by the recent reports of fraud in the carbon-offset business.  I have to admit, it’s not the sort of comeuppance I was expecting, but it’s nice to know that someone is defrauding the hypocrits and blowhards who demand you use one square of bog roll while they fly around in private jets and drive in caravans larger than Kris Kristofferson’s original Convoy.  If any of these green-friendly offset peddlers need a legal defense, may I suggest “turnabout is fair play.”

Martian Warming™ Continues, Despite Measures
By Dan | - 9:11 am - Posted in Weather, Science

Martian Warming™ has continued to increase, despite drastic measures taken by local authorities.  Mars, which has warmed more than has the Earth over the past 3 decades, is now in danger of its polar (dry) ice caps melting, drowning several thousand polar gregëlzørks and raising the Martian sea level 2/1000ths of a żortlæk.

Martian officials remain concerned that martianthropogenic sources continue to cause the warming trend.  “We have made all quorluengs use only one sqaure of nixzatch paper per fluflorg, we have banned the use of all sport utility hovercars and have even invested heavily in red-friendly carbon offsets,” noted Chief Martian Climatologist Al Gorgolack. 

Mr. Gorgolack dismissed claims that natural variations in the sun are causing the rising temperatures on Earth and Mars.  “Don’t be ridiculous.  This is clearly the result of our guilty consciences.”

Daily Danet interview with Claire Voyant
By Dan | - 8:44 am - Posted in Media & Marketing

I swear, we were just joking when we said it.  We hope we didn’t give anyone the wrong idea.

Tufts to Concentrate
By Dan | - 8:39 am - Posted in Liberals, Media & Marketing, Edukashun

Tufts University, defender of free expression in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, has fired the head of its Physics Department for teaching students that the sky is blue due to Raleigh scattering.  The move is part of Tufts’s 25 Point Program, designed to cleanse the University of unwanted expression.

“There’s no place at Tufts for the truth,” noted Univeristy President Joseph Goebbels.  The 25-Point Program includes the use of badges to identify “problematic” students  and special train trips to “sensitivity camps” for the more egregious offenders.  Among the 25 points of the Program are:

Only a member of the party may be a student.  A member of the party is one who is registered as a Democrat.  Consequently, no thinking man can be a student. (Point 4); and

We demand legal opposition to known lies and their promulgation through the press. (Point 23).

The Program was initiated after a Tufts satirical student newspaper published claims that fundamentalist Muslim governments punish homosexuality with death and that the University itself discriminates on the basis of race.  Although both claims were based solidly in fact, the University remains unconvinced that such dissenting views are relevant. “Truth should never be a defense to political dissent,” noted Mr. Goebbles.

Global Warming™ Tops Debate Issues
By Dan | April 27, 2007 - 10:00 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

All 8 Democrat presidential candidates have signed a promise to back legislation to curb Global Warming™.  Leading the charge is Senator Hillary Clinton (D-[Your State Here!]).  Speaking from her privately chartered jet, which made 2 round trips between Washington, D.C. and South Carolina in less than 24 hours, Senator Clinton noted that “this is the most important issue we face today, this issue of–what was it again?”

Presidential hopeful and hair club for men spokesman, John Edwards also reaffirmed his belief that Global Warming™ makes world war look like heaven.  “We need to stop people from polluting the air our children breath,” noted Mr. Edwards, through a cloud of AquaNet on his friend’s private jet.  Mr. Edwards even interrupted his $400 haircut to answer questions on Republican excesses.

“People need to learn how to live with less,” added Senator Barrack Obama, from his own privately chartered jet, before entering one of 3 SUV’s in his caravan.

Al Qeada Congratulates Democtrats
By Dan | - 9:47 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Foreign Affairs, 9/11, Stars & Stripes

A senior spokesman for al Qeada congratulated the Democrat party today for their strong and decisive leadership in the war on terror.  “Praise Allah for the wonderful gifts He has given to the cause,” the spokesman noted on a tape, released by al Jazeera affiliate, NBC News.  “We thank Senators Reid, Clinton and Obama, as well as the entire Democrat party for their support of our troops,” the tape added.

Senators Clinton and Obama, presidential hopefuls, shrugged off the praise.  “It’s the least we could do,” noted Clinton.  “We will be victorious in Iraq, Insha Allah,” she added in a heavy middle eastern accent.  “We knew that these brave men could not go on indefinitely.  By setting a time table, we give them the audacity of hope, the belief that they too can persevere against the horrors of American military might,” noted Obama.  “Hold on, boys, just a few more months,” he added.

The Grasshoper and the Ant
By Dan | April 26, 2007 - 11:40 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

I am reminded of Reagan’s comment that, “We have so many people who can’t see a fat man standing beside a thin one without coming to the conclusion that the fat man got that way by taking advantage of the thin one!”  I don’t often post other people’s work, and certainly not from chain emails, but this one strikes a chord.  (Hat tip Scott).

Aesop’s Version 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.  The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.  CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.  America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.  Jesse demands that the ant apologize and make a sizeable donation to the Rainbow Push coalition.  Al Sharpton appears on camera with an earthworm who claims to have been assaulted by the ant.

Chuck Schumer & Hillary Clinton appear on Larry King to charge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and call for new regulation on the ant’s business and an immediate tax hike to make him pay his fair share.  Viewers are assured that this tax hike will only affect the ant.

The EEOC enforces the new Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Bias Act.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a tort claim against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury selected solely from the grasshoper’s friends and before a federal judge that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.  The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.  The ant has disappeared in the snow.  The tax hike that would only affect the ant now drives half of the insect population out of business.  The remaining half cannot afford to hire any new workers, and are forced to replace effective workers with slackers like the grasshoper.  The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood. 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful who you vote for!

China Announces Olympic Torch Protocol
By Dan | - 9:57 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

China announced today that the Olympic torch will pass through Taiwan and Tibet  prior to the 2008 Olympic Games.  Both Taiwan and Tibet have raised China’s ire in the past by refusing to recognize China as sovereign over their territory, and for complaining to the international community when China issues noogies. 

As part of the ceremonial torch run, and to ensure its security, the torch will be escorted by 6 armored divisions, 12 motorized infantry divisions, 10 infantry divisions, one amphibious assault division, 14 motorized infantry brigades, 4 artillery divisions and 3 aviation divisions of the People’s Lberation Army and 15 Luda class destroyers, 10 frigates and 3 Han class submarines of the Chinese Navy.  The security operation, known as Operation Trojan Horse,  is expected to last 20-40 years.

Howard Dean Proposes New Sunshine Rules
By Dan | - 9:03 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

Yesterday, Democrat National Committee Chair, Howard Dean suggested that in order to get straight talk from presidential candidates, the press should be barred from political rallies.  Today, the DNC Chair announced a sweeping program to foster public information on hot-button issues.  The plan, which addresses all levels of government, includes:

  • Changes in court rules that would require juries to leave the room when evidence is heard;
  • Police will be required to plug their ears and shout “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you,” when un-Mirandized suspects make incriminating statements;
  • CSPAN will not be allowed to broadcast from Congress while it is in session;
  • Votes will be tallied by the candidates who are ahead in the polls going into any election; 
  • Political leaders will be required to review all news items, prior to publication; and
  • Persons wishing to attend political rallies, vote or walk the streets, must have symbols sown into their clothes indicating their party affiliation.

The proposal has garnered broad, bipartisan support by current members of Congress.

Short list of Replacements for Rosie O’Donnell
By Dan | April 25, 2007 - 5:29 pm - Posted in Media & Marketing, Sports

 An internal ABC memo has surfaced, revealing the short list of candidates to replace controversial co-host Rosie O’Donnell on the View. At the top of the list is former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott.  The memo notes that, “although Mrs. Schott is deceased, there is an obvious resemblance, both in charisma and physical appearance.”  The memo continues, “[o]n balance, a rotting corpse would contribute the same amount of rationale conversation as the outgoing co-host.”

Second on the list is former comedienne Rosanne Barr.  The memo notes that Ms. Barr has “unfortunately become far too respectable” since leaving television.  The memo notes, however, that her screechy, crotch grabbing rendition of the national anthem “shows promise.”  The short list was rounded out by “the crazy hobo lady on 52nd Street who talks to herself,” Cynthia McKinney and the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons.  “These three certainly have the same views as Rosie and their debating styles are very similar,” the memo notes.

The memo also listed some long-shot candidates.  Based on Rosie’s scientific experience, Laurie David and Sheryl Crow have also been considered.  “Rosie’s grasp of physics will need to be replaced and both Mrs. David and Ms. Crow offer the same, reality-defying grasp of the scientific world.”

Countering the show’s all-woman format, the View is also considering Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore, Mel Gibson, Danny DeVito and Don Imus.  The memo also notes that ABC should also consider “just setting a large, deranged rabid animal loose on [co-host Elisabeth] Hasselbeck,” in much the same way the Giant’s offensive line did to her husband.