Democrats Deny Charges, Pass Legislation
By Dan | July 31, 2007 - 8:51 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Government, Clinton, Adoptions

Democrats responded to allegations, made by Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Guiliani, that Democrats want an all-powerful, all-controlling “nanny state.” 

“These are hurtful, mean things to say,” responded Senate Majority “leader” Harry Reid (D-Real Estate For Sale!).  “Rudy should sit in the corner and think about what he’s done.”  Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-People’s Republic of Californiastan) noted that “These types of hurtful comments are why we need the fairness doctrine so we can muzzle our political enemies.”

“Just because we want government housing, government mandated wages, government healthcare, government dietary restrictions and government laundromats, doesn’t mean we want a ‘nanny state,’” reasoned Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary “Care” Clinton (D-Your State HERE!).  “This is another vast right-wing conspiracy against my moderate policies.”

House Democrats joined their colleagues in the Senate in passing the Senate-House Uniform Telecommunications Use Privileges Act.  The Act requires all speech to be cleared with Congressionaly appointed Truth Officers prior to being broadcast, written or spoken in public.  The legislation also requires Rudy Guiliani to wash his mouth out with soap and go to bed without any dinner.

Scientists Breed First Mentally Ill Mouse
By Dan | July 30, 2007 - 9:55 am - Posted in Government, Science

Scientists studying genetic mental diseases have intentionally created a mentally ill mouse.  The mouse is said to have an IQ of 35, is schizophrenic, paranoid and delusional.  After laboratory tests are complete, the mouse, like its predecessors, intends to run for Congress.

Threats From a Man With No Integrity
By Dan | July 27, 2007 - 9:15 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Weather, Science

To give you some idea of what type of people we’re talking about–the people who know, better than you, what’s good for the planet–read this article about the personal threats made against a skeptic:

It is my intention to destroy your carreer as a liar.  If you produce one more article against climate change, I will launch a campaign against your professional integrity.  I will call you a liar and a charlatan to the Harvard community of which you and I are members.  I will call you out as a man who has been bought by Corporate America.  Go ahead guy, take me on.”

This is not one crackpot namby pamby bitching because someone is pissing on his little guilt parade.  It came from Michael T. Ekhart–a crackpot, namby pamby bitch to be sure, but also President of the American Council On Renewable Energy, a council of which the federal government is a part.  This is what they do.  They cannot win the argument, so they attack the messenger.  If you need more proof about what a cowardly, dishonorable, impotent lot this is, you’ll have to meet one of them in person.

Global Warming™ - Arm Thyself
By Dan | - 9:07 am - Posted in Weather, Science

Someday, I’d like to write a book about defending yourself from the zealots who think they know what’s best for you and the planet.  Until then, please read these two articles. 

The first (sorry, the WSJ requires a subscription) is William Grey (arguably the most experience hurricane forecaster on the planet) picking apart the myth that Global Warming™ causes hurricanes.  This is an amazingly convenient lie, coming as it does on the heels of Katrina and Rita.  You can almost see the liberal’s primitive neurosystem ticking away: “Katrina ‘killed’ thousands.  Many were poor, Black people.  We can find a way to blame rich people who own SUVs!  We’ll get the Nobel Prize for Liberalism and Guilt Awareness!”  (As an aside, or an exercise left to the reader, I note that Katrina actually saved thousands.  It was the levees breaking as they were bound to do, that caused most of the destruction.  Katrina got people out of town.)

As Dr. Grey points out, if you look at the two most recent 50-year periods 1900-1949 and 1957-2006, there were more hurricanes making landfall in the U.S. (101 total, 39 major) in the earlier, Model-T/Edsel period than in the present SUV, jetsetting carbon emitting evil doer period (83 total, 34 major hurricanes).  Dr. Grey also notes that the forcing effect that drives hurricane generation is the Atlantic current, which, in turn is driven by salinity.  Query whether saltier water flowing into the Arctic is the real cause of icemelt there.

The second is a great article about the hockey-stick fraud by, ironically, a science fiction author.  Orson Scott Card talks about the fraud that you’ve all seen, but may not know enough about.  It’s called the hockey stick (due to the dramatic rise at the front of the graph).  It’s a favorite of Global Warming™ salesman as it purports to show a dramatic increase in global temperature over time.  The fact that it is based on completely fabricated data is an inconvenient truth.

What’s next, dog killer?
By Dan | - 8:39 am - Posted in Legal, Sports

Atlanta Falcons’ star running back, Michael Vick, was arraigned on charges of animal cruelty in Richmond Virginia.  Mr. Vick, who holds the NFL record for most direct snaps to a running back, pleaded not guilty.  The charges stem from the running back’s involvement in an interstate dogfighting league, where dogs who were not vicious enough to fight or who lost fights, would be shot, drowned or electrocuted to death. 

Attorneys for the sad sack of wasted puss claim that the 8 pit bull corpses found on the running back’s property were “being held for a friend.”  At a press conference, the dirtiest bird alleged his innocence and vowed to catch the real killers.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that, following his imminent conviction for brutally torturing defenseless animals, “Mr. Vick will be dealt with by the league.”  Sources close to the Commissioner note that the league is considering increasing its most severe punishment, a lifetime ban from football, to “hanging by the neck until he be dead, dead, dead.”

Rumors of My Demise Greatly Exaggerated
By Dan | July 25, 2007 - 8:24 am - Posted in Personals

I apologize for not having posted in a while.  First, there hasn’t been anything terribly funny to say for a while (and, in terms of newsworthiness and general importance to the human race, I put Paris Motel6 and Lindsay Lopants in the same category as “brand of dental floss.”).  Second, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows has consumed my waking hours not wasted working for the slagheap I call the firm.

I’m afraid posts will be sporadic for a while.  The summer is usually dull newswise and I don’t want to waste your time with halfhearted attempts to make dogfighting, floods or fires funny.  I encourage you to use the RSS feed tools to the right if you would like updates when there are new posts.

Delta Profit Giveaway
By Dan | July 18, 2007 - 2:03 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Taxes, Business Section

Delta Airlines, fresh out of bankruptcy, announced yesterday that its operations netted a $1.77 billion profit.  Several members of Congress have expressed outrage that Delta has been able to turn itself around without the helpful bailout the government usually provides.  “I really think we need to consider a windfall profits tax,” noted New York Senator Hillary “Tax’em” Clinton (D-As Kapital).  “I think it’s grossly irresponsible for Delta to post such a profit after trimming labor costs–it’s almost as if they’re trying to prove that it was big labor’s stranglehold that caused them to go into bankruptcy,” noted Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Lusional).

“We certainly would prefer that these companies would come to us for tax-payer sponsored bailouts,” noted Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-Ranged).  “I mean, if we don’t force them to concede to big labor’s demands, the AFL-CIO will stop bribing us.  Then where will we be?!?”

Senate Stages Sleep-In
By Dan | - 11:27 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes

Senate Majority “leader” Harry Reid (D-Featist) vowed to keep the Senate up all night to accomplish his mission in the Senate.  Mr. Reid vowed to remove American troops from Iraq “before this surge starts working and victory in Iraq devastates our chances next November.”  Mr. Reid noted that “we can’t keep having these military victories in Iraq-capturing leaders of al Qaeda is really bad politics for us.”  Mr. Reid also promised to take “this 20% approval rating out for a spin.”

Senator Carl Levin (D-Michiganibad) agreed.  “We need to keep investigating, keep digging until we find out just how low our approval rating can go.”  Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi agreed that the goals are complimentary.  “We can ensure the lowest approval rating in Congress if we manage to further handcuff the Bush administration and their war on terror.  I mean, just imagine the votes we’ll get when the next terror attack happens,” see added with palpable glee.

The Next Attack
By Dan | July 17, 2007 - 11:51 am - Posted in Op Ed, Foreign Affairs, 9/11

One of the recurring issues in military history is that governments and defense departments are always caught fighting the last war.  In World War II, the French Maginot Line failed because it was designed to stop an attack by infantry on horseback.  Tanks, trucks and airplanes were not part of the equation.  In Vietnam, we fought World War II with a an enemy that was fighting with new guerilla tactics.  In Iraq, we’re fighting against guerilla tactics while our enemy uses our own laws and taboos against us.

This weekend, Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security, said he had “a gut feeling” that new terror attacks would strike U.S. soil this summer.  I don’t know whether I want him to be being honest or being coy about actual intelligence.  If it really is just a gut feeling, then why the hell are we paying him and the intelligence community?  I could have told you that myself.  If it is actual intelligence and he’s just being coy, well, that means there is a terror attack coming our way.  In either case, if there is a terrorist attack on U.S. soil after Congress has had 3 investigations per day over the past two years (mostly about who fired some attorneys and why) and port and airport security has remained as lax as ever while al Qaeda grows stronger than it was on September 10, 2001…well, God help the U.S. government, because I won’t.

The federal government’s primary purpose is to protect us from our enemies.  If they fail to do that, they have lost their legitimacy. 

I’ve been thinking about the next attack.  I don’t want to give them a leg up here, but if al Qaeda really wants to destroy America, the next attack is predictable.  They will hijack 4 more airplanes and fly them into high-value targets in the U.S.  Biological, chemical and nuclear weapons are all too difficult to import.  But how many reporters or government agents have been able to slip through security?  Watchlists are a joke and without “racial profiling,” “John Q. Smith” can’t be stopped at the checkin counter.  Can you imagine the absolute horror and terror at the realization that our government, after 6 years, still cannot protect us from a bunch of psychopaths with boxcutters?

By Dan | July 16, 2007 - 9:02 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Media & Marketing, Edukashun

Michale Moore has denounced attacks on his new film “Sicko” and the British National Health System.  Critics have claimed that the film is wildly inaccurate and that a U.S.-based national health would suffer from the same competency and availability issues as the British system.

“That’s complete nonsense,” demanded Moore from a press conference at the Hollywood Steak N’ Shake. “American medicine has always been better than British medicine–way back to 1423 when the U.S. Congress enacted the hypocratic oath.  There’s no reason to believe that government paid healthcare would change that-just look at government housing.”

Moore also addressed the National Health doctor’s whose failed terror plots stunned Britain. “These are exactly the type of distorted claims that the Religious Right want you believe.  American doctors would have built a much better carbomb.”