Aggressively Communist, but of Little Use
By Dan | October 31, 2005 - 8:33 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Best Of, Legal, Foreign Affairs

The ACLU filed a lawsuit today against the Metropolitan Transit Authority, the NYPD and Mayor Bloomberg in Manhattan civil court. The suit alleges that the defendants wrongfully and illegally searched a bag belonging to Abu Mussab al Kiljaoul and that that search not only prevented Mr. al Kiljaoul from performing his duties, it also caused him and his family direct monetary harm as well as emotional pain and suffering.

Mr. al Kiljaoul is seeking $25,000 in lost wages plus $1m in pain and suffering and $100m in punitive damages. According to papers filed by the ACLU, Mr. al Kiljaoul was on his way to blow up the 6:52 train from Grand Central Terminal to Pleasantville when he was stopped and his bag, containing the explosives, was searched. The police subsequently arrested him and he is currently in jail pending charges against him.

As the ACLU explains, had the police not intervened, Mr. al Kiljaoul would have been able to realize his months-long dream of killing the infidel. The fact that he was stopped caused him pain and suffering, including embarrassment and humiliation among his peers. “It is terrible. Zarqawi won’t return my calls. I call my friends in my native Saudi Arabia, and all dey do is laugh at me. I will never get de 72 virgins….You know what dey call me?–Richard Reed’s Revenge. It’s embarrassing.”

Mr. al Kiljaoul would have been eligible for the UN Martyr’s Trust prize for a suicide bombing carried out on US soil. The UN took over the trust from Iraq as part of the oil for food program. The prize, awarded posthumously, is a $25,000 stipend paid to the bomber’s family. This is separate from the Israeli-Caterpillar, Inc. Suicide Bombers’ Home Relocation Program.

The Mayor’s office could not be reached for comment.

Apologies to Edwin Starr
By Dan | October 25, 2005 - 2:24 pm - Posted in Best Of, Legal

Not loving my job today.

Law! - huh- yeah- What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Uh-huh

Law! – huh – yeah- What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again y’all

Law! – huh – good God. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Listen to me…

Ohhh… Law! I despise, Because it means destruction’ Of social lives

Law means tears to thousands of lawyers eyes when they go off to doc review and lose they sight

I said - Law! Huh – Good God y’all - What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.

Law! Whoa, Lord. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Listen to me…

Law! It ain’t nothing but a life tanker. Law! Friend only to investment bankers.

Law! It’s an enemy to all mankind. The thought of law blows my mind.

Law has caused unrest in the younger generation, Graduation then aggitation- Who wants to lie?

Ohhh… Law – Good God Y’all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it, Say it, Say it.

Law! Uh-huh – Yeah - Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Listen to me…

Law! It ain’t nothing to but a life tanker. Law! It’s got one friend, that’s the investment banker.

Law has shattered many a young man’s dreams. Made him unstable, bitter and mean.

Life is much to precious to spend practicing law these days. Law can’t give you a life, it can only take it away.

Law! Huh – Good God y’all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again.

Law! Whoa, Lord. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Listen to me…

Law! It ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker. Law! Friend only to the investment banker.

Peace Love and Understanding; tell me, is there no place for them today?

They say we must bill to keep our bonus, but Lord knows there’s got to be a better way…

Law! Huh – Good God y’all. What is it good for? You tell me. Say it, Say it, Say it

Law! Huh – Good God y’all. What is it good for? Stand up and shout it. Nothing!

1 Comment
MoveOn Blocks Coverage of Liberals Cheering
By Dan | - 12:26 pm - Posted in Liberals, Best Of, Stars & Stripes

[adopted from the original]
October 25, 2005
Los Angeles.

According to the Associated Press, Arizona Radio and the Los Angeles Post, has threatened news organizations and their workers in an effort to stop the broadcast of video, and the publishing of photographs, showing large crowds of Liberals in California and Massachusetts joyfully celebrating the death of the 2,000th American serviceman in Iraq. Presumably they understood that such video and photos would be repugnant to real Americans and millions of others around the world and might damage their image.

Photographers and stringers (mostly Liberals themselves) were forced by MoveOn publicists to stop filming the celebrations, and they were threatened with name calling if their video was broadcast. The news organizations they work for were told that everyone from their news organization would lose their access to Democratic party officials and be unable to cover events in California, Massachusetts or New York if they broadcast any video or photos of the large celebrations.

An AP photographer was specifically threatened with beinlabeleded a “conservative” if his photos were published. AP has published a report about the threat, but has caved in to MoveOn’s request not to publish these photos.

Thus far, only videos and photos of small crowds celebrating in Beverly Hills and Harvard Yard have been broadcast/published. It appears the MoveOn’s intimidation tactics are working to keep the most damning scenes from Flint, Michigan and Hollywood off American (and worldwide) television screens and out of the newspapers.


Leak Probe Intensifies
By Dan | October 21, 2005 - 7:00 am - Posted in Liberals, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs

BBC London.
Although the Prime Minister continues to deny allegations of wrongdoing, Downing Street is once again abuzz with talk of Mr. Blair stepping down. The latest allegations center around the revelation of the identity of a British secret agent.

According to reports, Mr. Blair’s office was in a rowe with M5 and, in an attempt to publicly humiliate the ministry, outed one of its agents, Daniel Craig. Mr. Craig is well known throughout the underwold by his pseudonym, James Bond. It is feared that, armed with the knowledge of his true identity, some of these nefarious individuals will cause him harm.

“That is ridiculous. We just want to talk to him,” said Dr. No.

Karl Rove’s Colon Proves to Be Typical
By Dan | October 18, 2005 - 7:30 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Media & Marketing

[modified from the original]
Oct 18 2:24 PM US/Eastern

By DARLENE SUPERVILLE Associated Press Writer

He is “the architect” who steered George W. Bush to victory four times, twice as Texas governor and twice as president.

But can Karl Rove take care of his colon? Can the master of Bush’s political planning figure out how much roughage is necessary to avoid polyps.

Rove’s proctologist, Dr. Seymour Balugnauts, opened the lily white door one morning last week to show journalists outside the million-dollar colon that the deputy chief of staff, assistant to the president and senior adviser was, in fact, not hemorrhoidal. All the interest came on the eve of his testimony Friday before a grand jury investigating who in the White House might have revealed the identity of a CIA operative.

There were no secret Whitehouse strategies in the colon. And the stuff left behind turned out not to be much different from what gathers dust inside most American colons.

The inventory, seen from outside:
- Assorted loose stool.
- 3 semi-digested peanuts.
- 0 hemorrhoids.
- 0 polyps.

Some have argued that Karl Rove’s hemorrhoids have distracted him, as has the probe (pardon the pun, we mean into the Valerie Plame leak case), from his duties as Bush’s brain. That distraction may have led to President Bush allowing hurricane Katrina to strike land, the earthquake in Pakistan and the Bird Flu. Even his harshest ciritics stop short of blaming Rove for the Harriet Miers appointment. “No amount of ass-pain can excuse a man for that misstep,” said one critic.

The Third Nominee
By Dan | October 12, 2005 - 8:26 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Op Ed, Legal, Media & Marketing, Reagan

[Sorry, no satire today]
President Bush nominates Harriet Miers for the Supreme Court. We are told she’s a devout Christian (wink, wink). By this, we are meant to believe that she will be pro life and, hence, will vote to overturn Roe v. Wade. There are a few problems with this, (1) it’s crap and (2) it misses the point.

Justice Anthony Kennedy, a Reagan appointee, is also a devout Christian (he’s Catholic) and is pro life. He’s also a terrible judge. He was one of the Justices to vote to affirm Roe v. Wade in Casey v. Planned Parenthood, the absurd case that found, in the U.S. Constitution, an inalienable right of abortion during the first trimester. (I’ve looked, neither “abortion,” nor “trimester” are in the Constitution.) Why did he do this? For two reasons, (1) he has enough integrity to not allow his person beliefs to impugn his objectivity and (2) his objectivity was obscured by his naive belief that Roe was correctly decided. So what does this mean for Miers? It means she could be a fully frocked priest and it wouldn’t matter if she doesn’t have the intellectual stones to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Secondly, her pro life stance is completely irrelevant. I don’t care if she’s another vote against Roe if that’s all she is. What about other conservative principles? What about flag burning? Scalia, the LORD himself, has said that the First Amendment protects the burning of the American flag. He doesn’t agree with it, but that’s not his job. His job is to determine what the boundaries of the law are and apply them. Who cares if Harriet Miers will vote, like a trained monkey, for or against Roe. This was our chance to put someone on the Court, like Scalia, who would ensure a conservative judiciary for the next 30 years. A Texas lottery official ain’t gonna do it.

Sure, she may have the qualifications of a good lawyer. She might even be the best lawyer in Texas, or even in the country (though I think John Roberts is certainly a better candidate for that honor). But she has spent exactly no time discussing, debating or publicly analyzing the Constitution. It’s not that we don’t know her qualifications, it’s that she doesn’t have any.

1 Comment
Scandal Rocks UNICEF
By Dan | October 11, 2005 - 8:25 am - Posted in Government, Best Of, Foreign Affairs

[UNICEF Recently launched an add campaign using Smurfs]

October 32, 2005. Brussels. The United Nations, long mired in allegations of corruption, incompetence and sexual abuse of refugees, was hit by scandal again today. As we have reported previously, the United Nations Children’s Fund, or UNICEF, has been using footage of the bombings of Smurf villages by the Azreali Airforce to raise awareness of how war affects children. The 25 second clip has aired in Belgium and select parts of France and Germany.

But now, another 15 seconds of footage is raising the scandalous specter of abuse once again. In the so-called “lost clip,” a United Nations Relief Worker, Unismurf, is seen sexually abusing one of the Smurf victims. UNICEF President, Mehdi Danesh-Yazdi of Iran, did not return calls seeking comment.

This is not the first time UNICEF’s use of species cleansing footage has backfired. In 2004, UNICEF used footage of the Fraggle-Gorg conflict to raise awareness of its impact on the region. The footage, which was cirticized as Fraggle propaganda by the Gorgs and others, was used to raise awareness of the plight of the Fraggles. Soon after the clips aired, however, Ambassador Wembley Fraggle was forced to resign when evidence surfaced of the horrendous conditions in the Doozer work camps.

Competence: My New Drug
By Dan | October 6, 2005 - 8:32 pm - Posted in Op Ed, Best Of, Foreign Affairs, 9/11, Stars & Stripes, Personals, Business Section

[Up late with a touch of insomnia. Mrs. Puma is sleeping and with the fvckbags trying to kill me, I’m a bit jittery. I promise the satire will return shortly.]
My wife hates Airline, the tv show. She can’t understand why I like it so much. She’s also a hippie, so she can’t understand why I watch E-Ring (guilty), Over There and, on occasion, the Military Channel. I’ve given it some thought and I think I’ve figured out my addiction: competence.

Southwest Airlines, the focus of the show, is by far the most competent airline in the country. Maybe even in the world. I’ve flown them several times and have yet to have a bad experience (or at least one due to their incompetence). Other airlines treat you like a piece of meat. They disrespect your things, they don’t make clear announcements, they generally suck.

But not Southwest. That’s what I love about the show. Sure, they’ll throw a drunk off the plane once in a while. Weather will get in the way–it does that. But they always treat people like, well, people. They smile, they joke, they laugh. None of it is forced, and none of it is this garbled, half-language half-grunt ebonics you get from most Airlines. “You can’ lea ‘dat dere.” Someone from US Air actually said that to me. The ‘dat was my briefcase. The dere was the empty seat next to me on an empty flight.

How like Southwest is the military. There is something so inspiring about the calm, purposeful grace with which the military gets things done. Seriously. Need a bridge. Call the Army Corps. Two hours later, got a bridge. Need terrorists dead. Call the Marines, dead terrorists. Hostages need saving, call the SEALs. Hostages saved AND terrorists dead. It’s amazing. If you don’t believe me, try getting extra ketchup at McDonalds.

Think of the concept of a smart bomb! What other country in the world would build a smart bomb? As they say, only in America. We are, or at least were, a country singularly focused on competence. “Does it work?” “What’s it do?” “How can we make it better?” Any other country in the world would have focused the energy and resources we used to make a smart bomb into just making 100 or 1000 more dumb bombs. Not us:

“Say Bob, I’d really like to take out that building.”
“Sure Frank, but we’ll have to level the whole city.”
“Gee, can’t we use a laser or something and maybe use just one bomb? You know, so as not to kill the orphans next door?”
“Lemme see what we can do.”

Presto! The smart bomb was invented. Now we have bombs that are so damn smart, you don’t even need a laser. The suckers have chips in them that read the GPS signal and guide themselves to the target! How’s that for friggin competent?!?! (Of course, although our weapons can destroy one-and only one-building on West 39th Street in downtown Najaf, a highschool senior can’t even find Wisconsin on a map. But that’s a different story.)

So here I am, a man–a bomb-loving, Airline watching, no extra-ketchup man–naked before the world with my addiction. I LOVE competence. Not even excellence, although that’s exciting in it’s own way. Just competence. That illusive ability to do something right.

That’s why we love sports, especially ones that require skill. Ask yourself, is golf really that interesting? No. Hell no. It’s a guy in a park with a crooked stick. Nobody would watch a complete stranger play golf. No one watches little league baseball unless it’s their own kid is playing. But watching Arnold Palmer or Tiger Woods–that’s fascinating. The control. The ease of motion. The poise. It’s a thing of beauty. This is the market that ESPN exploits. Log rolling? Strongest Man Competition? Archery? If you’re like me, you’ve watched these things because its experts doing their handiwork. The same holds true for the umpteen do-it-yourself networks.

Superman, too. If you tried to sell this idea to people: alien from another planet, can fly, sees through things–pretty much anything you can imagine, he can do. People would laugh. It’s only human nature to think that someone with those abilities would be a slouch. A loafer or, worse, a criminal. But there’s our boy, Clark Kent. He’s strong willed, straight-laced, and above all–competent. He knows what needs to be done and he does it. The stories aren’t boring because, at the heart of each one, is the triumph over adversity. His powers fail, he can’t use them, a dog is made out of kryptonite. What to do? No worries, Kal-El has it.

Sadly, I realize that my addiction betrays a deeper feeling. Why do I watch Airline? Why do I love the military (aside, of course, from the fact they’re out there every day making sure I don’t get blown up on my way to work)? Because competence is such a rare thing in the rest of American life.

Why is that? What happened to us? I thought Ronnie killed that malaise and buried it with Jimmy’s political career. Why is it we have so much trouble getting simple things done? Too much tv? Too much entitlement? I don’t know. But I’m gonna lock myself inside with a bottle of scotch, my DVR and $100 for the Chinese delivery guy. And I’m not coming out until there’s a death penalty for incompetence. (Unless I run out of money for General Tzo’s first.)

Congress to Add Justices to Supreme Court
By Dan | - 11:59 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Legal

In an effort to overcome President Bush’s ridiculous appointment of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, Republican lawmakers are considering expanding the Court by adding justices, as provided for under Article III of the Constitution. The current plan is to add 200 justices and to fill the positions with the first 200 names in the Boston phonebook.

Oregon’s New Death with Dignity Act
By Dan | October 5, 2005 - 12:46 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Best Of

[The allegedly conservative Bush administration is using its alleged authority under the Drug Enforcement Act to prohibit the use of barbiturates to end the life of terminally ill patients. See if you think you can spot who I like less.]

June 5, 2006
Salem, Oregon. Only two months after the Supreme Court upheld the federal government’s power to prohibit the use of certain drugs to end the life of a terminally ill patient, the Oregon legislature is back to the drawing board. The House of Representatives here has passed, by a vote of 58-2, an amendment to the statute, which they feel will pass constitutional muster. The amendment allows physicians, after following the procedures set out in the prior statute, to shoot the patient in the head.

Although legislators here agree it is not as humane as the previous law, they feel the will of the people should be respected. “People want to whack granny, we should let ‘im. In fact, if this works out, we plan to allow for a firing squad made up of family members, ex-spouses and creditors to do the deed,” boasted Representative Jeff Merkley (D-Portland). The Senate is also expected to pass the amendment by a large margin.

Legal scholars across the country agree that there is little the Bush administration can do to stop it. “Murder, and suicide for that matter, is generally considered the province of state law,” explains Harvard Constitutional Law Professor Lawrence Tribe. “If a state decides to make murder, or certain forms of murder, not illegal, there is very little the federal government can do about it. Although, I suppose the could raise taxes. I always like that idea.”

President Bush and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez are said to be considering the administration’s options. One such option being considered, according to a high-ranking source, is to extend the federally required waiting period for the purchase of a firearm from 3 days to 30 years.