Following Kellog’s announcement that Tony the Tigerwould retire as the iconic spokesperson for their Corn Flakes cereal, several other organizations have announced their spokespersons will be stepping down. “Just as Kelloggs realized that the trend in government regulation and the judiciary is flowing away from individual responsibility and toward blaming those who provide us with the substance of our excesses, these groups also realized they were to blame for their products, not the people who consume them,” noted Harvard professor of economics, Dr. Nan Estait.
The announcements began with Apple, who announced it would no longer use it’s iconic bitten apple silhouette as its trademark. “We received a letter from the Food & Drug Administration informing us that they believed we were giving people the impression our computers were edible. We really didn’t have a choice,” noted CEO Steve Jobs.
“This is not just about warning labels on irons,” noted FDA Commissioner and Surrogate Daddy to the Peasantry, Andrew von Eschenbach. “We have an obligation to drum up outrage, lest the people realize just how pointless our existence really is. Not to mention how much we steal from them in taxes and indirect costs of regulation!”
Following the announcement by Kellogg, the Society of Lobbyists, Advocates and Government Specialists announced it would be retiring its spokesperson, Benjamin Franklin. “We are concerned about our impact on both Congress and the federal government. Talk about obesity problems! We will no longer use Mr. Franklin’s likeness, which appears on our product, the $100 bill, as our spokesman in the hopes that Congressmen will be able to refrain from using our product to such excesses.”
Kelloggs also announced the launch of it’s new, government-sanctioned, spokespersons for it’s cereals and other breakfast foods. These spokespersons include:
- Eli the Emaciated Emu for Enriched Ethanol Flakes (which replace Frosted Flakes);
- Wally the Taste Free Wombat for new Plain Wheaty-Wheats (which replace Frosted Mini-Wheats);
- Adolf the Anemic Antelope for the new Wheat Grass Smacks (which replace Honey Smacks);
- Smiley the Soybean for the new NonDairyCongealedProcessedSubstance-It Snack Crackers (which replace Cheese-Its); and
- Peggy the Moraly Impaired Lady as the new spokesman for Pop-Tarts.