Suggested Shirts for Conservative Students
By Dan | June 29, 2007 - 2:31 pm - Posted in Liberals, Op Ed, Best Of, Legal, Edukashun

The Supreme Court today ruled that a school cannot censor a student’s political speech, even if the form of that speech comes in a drug-glorifying, defamatory, screechy and obscene T-shirt.  Given the amount of liberal proselytizing being done in high schools and colleges around the country, Daily Danet has prepared a suggested list of t-shirts for conservative students to wear, in celebration of the Court’s ruling:

  1. Chairman Mao’s Chickens: liberal white meat battered by guilt and fried on narcotics. 
  2. If I Wanted Your Opinion, I’d Read Das Kapital. 
  3. Communism Killed 100,000,000 People, Now You’re Boring Me to Death.
  4. Public Schools: Brainwashing America’s Youth Since 1969.
  5. “It’s not what liberals don’t know, it’s just they know so much that isn’t so.”  –R. Reagan.
  6. Please Indoctrinate Me With Your Pansy Ass Liberal Ideas.
  7. Kennedy’s 1  Kopechne’s 0
  8. Future ”Little Eichmann“ 
  9. Shut Up and Teach. 
  10. Yes, I’m sure the bourgeoisie’s crimes against humanity are legion, but what the f*ck does that have to do with algebra?
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Islam, Religion of Pieces (The Shrapnel Kind)
By Dan | - 9:59 am - Posted in Liberals, Best Of, Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes

A car bombing of Piccadily Circus in London was narrowly thwarted today by British Police.  The MERCEDES, which was parked outside a nightclub, was spotted by an ambulance crew and was seen smoking–apparently having been set off.  The $40,000 Mercedes was filled with propane gas canisters, nails and other pieces of sharp metal–calculated to tear through flesh, lacerate eyes and maim innocent victims.  Fortunately the bomb appeared to be a dud and was disarmed by police.  Western news outlets were quick to blame poverty as the root cause of terrorism.

In response to inquiries, the Irish Republican Army said, “Don be lukin atus.  We’ve been gud lads since the Whiskey Dole was instituted in 1989.” 

Islamic groups were quick to condemn news reports blaming the attempted terrorist bombing on Islam.  “Islam is a religion of peace.  Just because a few million followers think it’s okay to chop off peoples heads and kill innocent men, women, and children doesn’t mean we’re not peaceful.” 

Another spokesman also noted that Islam was provoked by malicious attacks upon it by a 60 year old poet.  “Islam, a religion of peace, cannot allow such people to live,” noted the spokesperson.

The Trans European and Regional Reconciliation, Organization and Revitalization of Islamic States and Teachings Group provided a list of conditions, the existence of which justify the killings of innocent men, women and children under Islamic law:

  1. Salman Rushdie and anyone who even misspells Mohamud’s name.
  2. Jews, with their breathing, in and out.  It drives us nuts!
  3. America and their infidel ways, with their idolization of sex and money.
  4. Not having enough sex and money.
  5. Airplanes.
  6. Atheists.
  7. Puppies.
  8. Gnats and no-see-ums.  Plus anything that crawls on you when you’re sleeping.
  9. Must See TV.
  10. Tiepos.  Tpyos.  Tipeos.  Death to the Infydel! 
iPhone Marketing May Exaggerate, Slightly
By Dan | June 27, 2007 - 9:14 am - Posted in Media & Marketing, Science, Business Section, Adoptions

Apple, who manufactures the new iPhone set to hit stores this Friday, has come under fire for its allegedly exaggerated marketing of the device.  According to reviews, the phone, which performs more like alien technology, meets some of its hype, but does not deliver on all promises.

 According to the Media and Internet Consumerism Research, Observation and Study of Opinion and Factual Testing Institute, the following claims were not, decisively, borne out by the iPhone:

  • The iPhone cannot, in fact, contact aliens in a galaxy far, far away (unless they have an iPhone, and then subject to long-distance rates and surcharges);
  • The iPhone does not, in fact, cure cancer;
  • The iPhone does not provide universal healthcare;
  • The iPhone does not create a stable and lasting democracy in Iraq;
  • The iPhone does not create a two-state solution in Israel.
Restoration of the Faith
By Dan | June 26, 2007 - 10:22 am - Posted in Op Ed, Weather, Personals

Sometimes a story comes along that restores my faith in mankind.  Here is one: 71% of the 4,000 people surveyed believe, as I do, that Global Warming™ is not manmade.

I’m so proud.  The human intellect is not yet dead.

Iranian News Network
By Dan | - 9:04 am - Posted in Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs

Iran has announced the launch of a 24-hour news network to compete with CNN.  (See here for Iranian Television’s Fall line up, as previously reported by Daily Danet.)  Much like CNN, the Iranian Network, Press TV, borrows heavily from CNN with its use of opinion-infused news reports and lighter-side of life news stories, though anchors will wear head-to-toe coverings.  The Iranian government has also noted that the logo may be misinterpreted.  The giant ‘O’ with the Earth in the center is not part of the official name of the network and “we are not amused that you call this Opress TV.”

Certain segments will be adopted from CNN programs, including:

  • Iranian Mourning: “Innocent civilians” killed by the imperial Americans and fresh martyrs will be mourned daily.
  • Larry King Dead: Daily burnings of effigies of famous Americans and Brits.
  • Ahmed Khuoper 360°: Each day, a counter-revolutionary prisoner will be placed in an oven at 360°.
  • Islamic World Today: Go behind the headlines for a view inside martyrdom and what the totalitarian state can do for (or to) you. 
  • Crossfire: Same title, but very different show.
Impatience Grows Over Thomson
By Dan | - 8:44 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

Howard Dean, Chair of the Democratic National Committee, has expressed his exasperation over Fred Thomson’s refusal to join the race for the Republican presidential nomination.  Mr. Thomson, who is well respected by his peers and is seen by some as Reagan II, has not yet announced his candidacy but is widely expected to do so soon.

“It’s not fair,” commented Dr. Dean.  “We’re over here slugging it out trying to matter and he’s leading the Republican polls without even running.  It’s just like talk radio–not fair.”  Dr. Dean also expressed his growing impatience over the matter.  “We have a whole slew of lies and half-truths all ready to go, but we can’t begin our smear campaign until he’s actually a candidate!  It’s all very frustrating.”  Dr. Dean cautioned, however, that the DNC did have a plan.  “We’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we’re going to California and Texas and New York … And we’re going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan, and then we’re going to Washington, D.C., to change the election laws and rig the system again! Byaaah!!!”

Studios to Rewrite Arab Roles
By Dan | June 25, 2007 - 2:05 pm - Posted in Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs, 9/11, Adoptions

In response to criticism from anti-defimation groups, several major films will be rereleased by their respective studios.  The joint announcement comes after several pro-Arab groups, including from groups such as Hollywood Against Misrepresentation of Arabs on Screen and the Association for Lifelike Qualities and Attributes in Entertainment Depictions of Arabs, have complained of studio bias. 

These groups have claimed that portrayals of Arab characters have depicted Arabs as incompetents, barbarians, suicide bombers, greedy or misogynistic sheiks or lying carpet salesman.

In response, Hollywood studios have agreed to rerelease edited versions of the offending films, noting that many of the changes comply with the new Screen Actors Guild Guidelines for political commentary.  The changes include:

  • Aladdin:Evil Jafar will be replaced by a reformed alcoholic Texan with a speech impediment and abnormal earlobes.  No other characters (all Arabs) will be changed.
  • True Lies: The frustrated and incompetent terrorist will be replaced by a benevolent and wise freedom fighter who succeeds in his mission of blowing up all of southern Florida.
  • Indiana Jones: The sword wielding Arab man whom Indiana dispatches with a single shot will instead sever both of Harrison Ford’s arms and leave him to bleed to death in the street.
  • Back to the Future: The evil Libyan terrorists who pay Dr. Brown (Christopher Lloyd) to build a plutonium bomb and subsequently kill him for building a time machine instead, are replaced with neo-Nazi (or worse, Republican) sympathizers.
  • United 93: The film will be changed to add a more “pro-Arab” ending.

Relatedly, the British and German consulates have issued a joint statement noting their displeasure that all evil armies seem to dress like Germans and speak like Brits.  “We feel we’re being treated unfairly,” ominously noted the British spokesperson.

Retirement of Iconic Spokespersons
By Dan | - 12:14 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Best Of, Taxes, Adoptions

Following Kellog’s announcement that Tony the Tigerwould retire as the iconic spokesperson for their Corn Flakes cereal, several other organizations have announced their spokespersons will be stepping down.  “Just as Kelloggs realized that the trend in government regulation and the judiciary is flowing away from individual responsibility and toward blaming those who provide us with the substance of our excesses, these groups also realized they were to blame for their products, not the people who consume them,” noted Harvard professor of economics, Dr. Nan Estait.

The announcements began with Apple, who announced it would no longer use it’s iconic bitten apple silhouette as its trademark.  “We received a letter from the Food & Drug Administration informing us that they believed we were giving people the impression our computers were edible.  We really didn’t have a choice,” noted CEO Steve Jobs.

“This is not just about warning labels on irons,” noted FDA Commissioner and Surrogate Daddy to the Peasantry, Andrew von Eschenbach.  “We have an obligation to drum up outrage, lest the people realize just how pointless our existence really is.  Not to mention how much we steal from them in taxes and indirect costs of regulation!”

Following the announcement by Kellogg, the Society of Lobbyists, Advocates and Government Specialists announced it would be retiring its spokesperson, Benjamin Franklin.  “We are concerned about our impact on both Congress and the federal government.  Talk about obesity problems!  We will no longer use Mr. Franklin’s likeness, which appears on our product, the $100 bill, as our spokesman in the hopes that Congressmen will be able to refrain from using our product to such excesses.”

Kelloggs also announced the launch of it’s new, government-sanctioned, spokespersons for it’s cereals and other breakfast foods.  These spokespersons include:

  • Eli the Emaciated Emu for Enriched Ethanol Flakes (which replace Frosted Flakes);
  • Wally the Taste Free Wombat for new Plain Wheaty-Wheats (which replace Frosted Mini-Wheats);
  • Adolf the Anemic Antelope for the new Wheat Grass Smacks (which replace Honey Smacks);
  • Smiley the Soybean for the new NonDairyCongealedProcessedSubstance-It Snack Crackers (which replace Cheese-Its); and
  • Peggy the Moraly Impaired Lady as the new spokesman for Pop-Tarts.
Cameron Diaz World Tour
By Dan | June 23, 2007 - 12:20 pm - Posted in Media & Marketing, Edukashun

Aging starlet Cameron Diaz, following her controversial tour of Peru wearing a Maoist handbag, has announced a Good Will World Tour.  “I really don’t see why those Peruans were so bothered by it.  Sure, maybe like, 70,000 people were like, killed or something, but, like at least China has healthcare.”  She added that “like, everyone in LA knows Communism is soo much better than Americanism.  Communists never, like, raped and murdered and stuff–George Bush did that.”

Ms. Diaz plans to visit Jerusalem, where she will wear a lovely Dolce bag with a swastika; Wounded Knee, where she plans to accessorize with a replica U.S. Calvery sword; and Cambodia with a Pol-ka-Pot handbag of her own making.  “It’s fabulous!” Ms. Diaz noted at a pedicure/press conference.  “The little dots look just like that Pol Pot guy who did so much for Cambodia.  Communerism is sooo trendy now that we’re all, like, hating America and stuff.”

Clinton-Boxer Legislation on Talk Radio
By Dan | June 21, 2007 - 9:52 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Government, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Clinton, Edukashun, Adoptions

Senatrixes Hillary Clinton (D-Where’s Waldo?) and Barbara Boxer (D-Neverneverland) have co-sponsored legislation aimed at eliminating the disparity among liberal and conservative talk radio shows.  The legislation, tentatively entitled the Joint Equalization And Liberalization Of Ultra-high Signals Act of 2007, will create programming mandates across a broad range of radio, television and the internet.

“No longer will liberal ideas need to compete fairly in the marketplace,” screeched presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton.  “From now on, all Americans will be forced to listen to our ideas, regardless of their political ideology or so-called freedom of choice.”

“For too long,” Senatrix Boxer agreed, “American programming has been held captive to the will of its audience.  This JEALOUS Act of 2007 makes the clear statement that equal time and quotas are far more important than mundane concerns like the quality or popularity of ideas.”

“It’s high-time our fragile little liberal ideas were protected from the savages of independent thought and accountability,” noted Clinton lackey John Podesta.

The act creates the Bureau of Independent and Government Broadcasters and Radio Operators, which will oversee the equalization of the airwaves, televisions and internet.  BIG BRO has already mandated that all Americans must listen to at least 2 hours of National Public Radio for every one minute they listen to any “Conservative Radio or Analogous Programming.”  “See, we can make clever acronyms, too,” noted Mr. O’Brien, acting president of BIG BRO.