Ben Affleck, former hollywood movie star and all-around smooth talker, has prophesied that “Ken Doll” Mitt Romney will be the Republican presidential nominee.  Mitt Romney, in addition to his suave good looks is also the savior of the 2002 Winter Olympics, co-founder of a multi-billion dollar private equity investment firm responsible for such horrors of modern life as Staples, Burger King and Toys R Us, and the former governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts who declined to serve a second term.

Mr. Affleck, in addition to his own suave good looks, is also responsible for such notable achievements as Jersey Girl, Gigli and Bounce.  “Mitt Romney is nothing more than a pretty boy with an over-inflated sense of self-worth, who is incapable of reconciling reality with his ego,” Mr. Affleck noted, without a hint of irony.

Democratic presidential candidate and current Senator Hillary Clinton (D-Ask Me About My Home States) called today for a kinder, gentler America.  Speaking to an audience in the Live Free or Die State, Mrs. Clinton rejected the current “ownership society” as the “on your own society.” 

“I prefer a ‘we’re all in it together’ society,” she said. “I believe your wealth should be my wealth.  I believe that my problems should be your problems.”   She noted that “too often, wealth is accumulated by those with skill and business acumen.”  “Why should they have all the wealth?” she asked.  “I believe each citizen should give to society according to his ability and receive according to his need.”  Mrs. Clinton also released, through her press secretary, her 5-year economic plan for America.

After nearly 3 years with Dr. “Screaming” Howard Dean as its chairman, the Democratic Party announced today that it had found his successor: Al Michaud of Dover, New Hampshire.  Mr. Michaud made headlines recently by accosting Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and shouting “I’m one person who will not vote for a Mormon!”  Mr. Michaud then refused to even shake Mr. Romney’s hand.

Mr. Michaud, who was originally thought to be a right-leaning, religious zealot, put the faithful at ease when he declared himself to be a liberal and announced his intention to vote for Hillary Clinton (D-Your State Here!).  “I’d rather vote for someone who thinks they are God than some crazy whacko who thinks God is tolerant, bennovolent and consistent with science.”

In accepting the post, Mr. Michaud promised to carry on the Democratic traditions of tolerance and acceptance.  “I’m, of course, in favor of gay marriage and racial quotas–er, I mean affirmative action,” said Mr. Michaud at a press conference.  “We need to foster acceptance and tolerance, just as long as you’re not religious-that gives me the creeps.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) returned from her trip to Greenland, certain of the effects of Global Warming™.  “We saw first hand evidence that climate change [Global Warming™] is a reality,” she said at a press conference.  “We arrived there at 9:00 a.m., and it was just below freezing.  By noon, the temperature had already risen nearly 7 degrees!”. This revelation resulted in audible gasps from the press corps.

In response to the criticism by scientists that what she witnessed was merely the sun warming the Earth, as it does everyday, Ms. Pelosi noted that such scientists, “whoever they are, are clearly working for big oil.”

Speaker Pelosi also noted that the sun seemed to rise a lot earlier and set a lot later in Greenland.  She predicted that “it’s just a matter of time” before such longer days are seen in the United States.

The View, a television show that is apparently watched by several viewers, has announced that Rosie O’Donnell, self-proclaimed liberal messiah, has been fired.  Ms. O’Donnell, who holds dual certificates in Inglesh Grammer and Konstitushunal Law, said on her website that “When painting there is a point u must step away from the canvas as the work is done.”  She also noted that “On the view u have seen my last hasselbeck spat 2 day was it no more — its done.”

Translators have attempted to discern what Ms. O’Donnell meant, but as yet these attempts are inconclusive.  “We believe that ‘2 day’ is some sort of meme similar to the English word ‘today’,” notes Dr. Evan Handedly, professor of primate intelligence.  He also notes that the number of characters, including the spaces, are identical, raising the question of why an allegedly intelligent life form would bother to intentionally misspell a word that it would take the same amount of effort to type correctly.  “You’ll also note that the subject uses ‘its,’ rather than the contraction ‘it’s.’  This is a distinction between ‘it is’ and the possessive ‘its,’ which is typically learned by humans in the fifth grade.”  Dr. Handedly also notes the use of the letter “u” rather than spelling of the proper would “you” and the complete lack of commas, which are often used to aide the reader’s understanding.  “It’s almost as if the comma key had fallen out of its brain!”  (See how easy it is?).

The spat that ultimately lead to Ms. O’Donnell’s dismissal involved co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s failure to defend Rosie’s incendiary inference that U.S. soldiers are terrorists.  Ms. O’Donnell, a constitutional scholar of the simian variety, concluded that Mrs. Hasselbeck’s failure to defend her meant that Mrs. Hasselbeck was censoring her (Rosie).  Again, scientists have tried to make sense of this logical leap.  Apparently Ms. O’Donnell felt that her clear implication that the United States military is a terrorist group should not have resulted in criticism from media outlets.  When it did, Mrs. Hasselbeck’s failure to voluntarily object to the accurate depiction of Ms. O’Donnell’s views was tantamount to censorship.

“The mental gymnastics are quite impressive for a subject of this intellectual level,” notes Dr. Handedly.  “But at the end of the day, what we have is one monkey blaming someone else for the consequences of their own actions.”

Gordon Gecko said “Greed is good.”  When it comes to private enterprise, Congress couldn’t disagree more.  Congress has passed an anti-gouging law that makes it a crime to “increase prices unreasonably,” or charge an amount that “represents a gross disparity” over what was charged over the past 30 days. 

Incidentally, if you’re a gas station owner, how do you know if your prices are unreasonable?  How do you know if it’s a gross disparity?  Of course you wouldn’t unless people stopped buying from you or they arrested you.  But never mind any of that, laws are meant to be vague and incomprehensible, much like politicians.  What’s legal today may not be tomorrow.  Such is our existence in the new banana republic.  I’m not so young that I can remember a time when market forces governed these things.  If you charged too much, no one would buy from you.  If everyone charged too much, someone new would start selling, undercutting the “unreasonable” profits.

Back to greed.  Gordon Gecko, the fictional boss from Wall Street, was making a point often missed by the masses, but captured by Ayn Rand.  Without profits, human ingenuity dies.  Congress has now launched us on the bitter path of socialism in the misguided belief that it knows best.  They have tied “Big Oil’s” hands by restricting refining capacity through regulation and outright prohibition.  They have allowed the arrogance of California’s emissions standards to set refining requirements across the nation (the irony here is that this is the one place Congress has authority to act, but refuses).  And now, they have cut the throats of gas station owners. 

What is price gouging and why is it bad?  I remember the blackout of 2003.  It was August and pizza was about all you could eat as the pizza shops burned through their inventory (gas ovens still worked) before it went off.  And batteries and water were at a premium.  My wife was escorting scores of elderly people up and down the stairs in our apartment complex, using a tiny flashlight.  Other people needed batteries for their radios.  Some people needed batteries for medical devices.

So how dare Mr. Chang at the bodega charge $5 dollars for a $2 battery?!?  Because if he didn’t, they would fly off the shelf, and then the next person wouldn’t even have a chance.  Think of what happens in a crisis.  People panic.  People plan.  People hoard.  All of this happens while Mr. Chang cannot resupply his inventory.  What he has in the store is all that he has access to until the crisis is over.

If Mr. Chang doesn’t raise his price, sure he’ll sell out quickly as Mr. Smith buys 2 batteries for the radio, 2 for the flashlight and 2 more “just in case.”  But what about Mrs. Carlisle who needs two batteries for her husband’s IV?  If she doesn’t get there in time, there’s nothing left.

On the other hand, if Mr. Chang raises the prices, Mr. Smith might realize that the radio is more important, and he can live without the flashlight, not to mention without the “just in case.”  Mrs. Carlisle, of course, would be happier spending the $5 on the batteries than the $6,000 on the funeral.  This is what is known as the law of supply and demand.  For nearly 4 centuries, it has efficiently allocated goods and capital to where they are needed most.  That’s why we call it capitalism.  It’s a harsh law, but it has always been tempered by humanity’s compassion.

I’m sorry to be so patronizing, but Congress clearly doesn’t get it.  They’re lost in their idiocy, trying to “do something” before people realize how useless and pointless they are and how we’d all be so much better off if they were all incinerated.

May 25, 2011
Congress, inflamed yet again by rising gas prices, has passed the Certainty in Retail Availability and Pricing Act of 2011.  The act not only makes the loosely defined act of price gouging a capital offense, it also restricts profits of all business to “reasonable levels.”  Any business, oil or otherwise, that achieves greater than reasonable profits will be confiscated and run by government officials until all efficiency is beaten out of it.

The act comes at a time when the national average price of gasoline is $14.74 per gallon.  Oil companies executives have objected to the measure as unreasonable.  “Crude oil is still in the $60 per barrel range,” noted Exxon spokesman Warren Peese.  “If Congress would just allow us to open more refineries and remove the 20% tax, we would be able to offer gasoline at a more reasonable price.”

“That’s absurd,” counters the bill’s sponsor, Senator Ida Kausovit. “Congress doesn’t set the price, big oil companies do.  Allowing them to set up new refineries wouldn’t help at all, and besides, new refineries were outlawed by the Strategic Tightening of the Utilization of Petroleum In Driving Act of 2009.”  Senator Kausovit noted that rules were rules and “government interference never solved anything.”

“Congress can’t be seen to be on the side of big oil,” agreed Rep. Biff Owne, co-sponsor of the House bill.  “The STUPID Act of 2009 and the CRAP we passed today will ensure that voters place the blame squarely on the oil companies-not where it truly lies.”

There are indeed two Americas.  There is an America that realizes we are at war, and there is an America that thinks the global war on terror is a “bumper sticker.”  There is an America where the soldier’s sacrifice is honored and mourned, and there is an America that cynically seeks political gain from it.  There is an America that will never forget, and there is an America that has already forgotten.

 There is an America where pride swells at the sight of the flag, and there is an America where people fight to punish those who wear it for being offensive. 

There is an America where another point of view is a welcome challenge to one’s ideas, and there is an America where a neighbor is a “rabid, rabid Republican” to be thrown from his home.  There is an America where thinking, rational people debate controversial issues, and there is an America where junk science is gospel and “global warming would make world war look like heaven.”

There is an America that believes in everyone’s right to choose, including with whom and when they choose to have sex, so long as they accept responsibility for that choice.  There is, sadly, an America that would rather legitimize a horrible procedure of convenience for political gain than return to a world of accountability.

There is an America that believes in the power of capitalism and its cure for poverty.  There is an America that would rather wage class warfare while collecting millions and getting a $400 haircuts.

There are two Americas, Mr. Edwards, and I pray God mine wins out.

South Africa is in the midst of drastically inclement weather, but not in the way you might think.  The recent COLD snap in South Africa has broken 54 records in two days.  This after last year’s snow storms paralized much of South Africa.  Beware the fools who will blame this on Global Warming™. 

Similarly, parts of Colorado are under a snowfall advisory this Memorial Day weekend.  Recently the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Association announced that April 2007 was one of the COLDEST Aprils (47th of 113) on record.  You’ll perhaps notice that these cold weather stories are always about “wacky weather,” but a 2 degree departure to the warm side is always a harbinger of Global Warming™.

Don’t look for these stories to be front page news.  When you’re doing your liberal best to save the world from the horrors of capitalism, you don’t have time for inconvenient facts.

British adult novelty store Ann Summers’s iGasm, which allows users to experience music on literally a different level, has spawned copycat devices.  Apple has threatened litigation over the unlicensed brand infringement, but that has not stopped computer lovers from further pushing the envelope in the personal pleasure pod market.

Among competing products are:

• Winhos XXX: A customized version of the famous operating system.  In addition to taking your money, it also runs programs for other users without your permission.
• Microsoft Orafice: Product description unavailable.
• Microsoft Night Stimulator: A sex simulator modeled after Microsoft Flight Simulator.  The simulation begins at home, where the player will change outfits 15 times, walks to a taxi, then to a bar where several strikingly similar members of the opposite (or same sex) are congregating.  The player must then approach one such character, convince him or her to come back home with them.  The player then adjusts music and ambience.  Finally, just prior to undressing, the program causes a system protection fault and reboots the computer.  Cold showers are extra.