Democrats came out fighting today in response to President Bush’s charges that they have “wasted time investigating” and “have never seen a problem they couldn’t solve by raising taxes.”   The President also expressed exasperation over the Democrat tendency to link every conversation to the war in Iraq.

“Those are ridiculous and unfair charges,” noted Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ranged).  “I call upon my colleagues in the House to investigate the President’s motives behind making these allegations.”  Ms. Pelosi also noted that “Americans are just not aware of the fine work we’re doing in the 110th Congress.  Today I am proposing a three trillion dollar ($3,000,000,000,000) program to educate taxpayers.  The additional expense will be paid through an excise tax on air.”  Ms. Pelosi also questioned President Bush’s track record this year.  “If he didn’t spend so much time killing babies in Iraq, we wouldn’t be here today.”

Unhappy with Charlie “Tax Em” Rangle’s trillion dollar tax increase, some Democrats have been exploring new forms of excise taxes.  One form of tax showing promise is based on intelligence.  “We’re thinking one percentage point for every IQ point below 100,” notes one prominent Democrat who asked to remain anonymous.  The plan would mean that persons with an 80 IQ (20 points below average), would have a tax rate of 20%.

“Let’s face it,” notes on political commentator, “states have been taxing based on math skills for years.  What do you think keeps the lottery going?  People who can’t do statistics, that’s what.”

Republicans, who generally disfavor tax increases, are not so quick to judge.  “Like most Democratic schemes, this one starts off as an attempt to ’soak the rich’,” notes Republican leader Arthur A. Kneeleft.  “But it will certainly have unintended consequences.”  For example, notes  Mr. Kneeleft, take the 535 members of Congress.  Each one makes about $160,000 per year.  “The average IQ of Congress is somewhere between zero and none, so you’d have at least 535 people with a 100% tax rate.”  That’s over $85 million dollars per year.  “And it doesn’t count Congressional staffers or the media.” 

With the price of crude oil nearing $90 per barrel, consumers are feeling the pinch.  “I just can’t keep this place warm any longer,” notes B. L. Zabub, managing director of Hades en Perpetuem.  “The Red Sox have won their second World Series since the Curse of the Bambino, George Steinbrenner is asking his underlings for advice — things have really gone to . . . well, you know.”

Indeed, many observers wonder if the poor Cubbies might be next.  “I just don’t know,” says the Prince of Darkness.  “Right now, I’m just worried about my business.  I have contracts to keep.  I’ve got that deal in Foxboro and somebody has to keep Al Franken popular.  It’s tough on business.”

 For now, Boston fans are enjoying their second moment in the October sun.  “Who knows how long we can keep this up,” notes one fan.  “We’ve got two rings, some high-priced talent, people all over the country rooting for us,” another fan added excitedly, “we’re just like the Yankees!”  A look of shock and horror filled his face before he was beaten to death by passersby.

“Irony always made me smile,” remarks B.L. Zabub, “but I’ve got my work cut out for me.  Before you know it, my beloved NY Times will be acknowledging New Yorkers who win Congressional Medals of Honor.  That’ll be the day.

Hillary Clinton (D-Your State Here) has admitted that, if elected president, she would “return” some executive authority to Congress.  “I firmly believe that the Democrats in Congress are far better equipped to deal with matters of national security and defense than any president, including myself.” 

Many Republicans were quick to agree.  “I absolutely think that there is no one less qualified to handle these matters than Hillary Rodham Clinton,” noted one Republican leader, Arthur A. Kneeleft.

Mrs. Clinton again condemned the Bush/Cheney administration for their “overly zealous” war on terror.  “It has been over 6 years since America has been directly attacked by al Qaeda.  Surely we can lessen our resolve and let down our defenses now,” she told the Guardian newspaper of London.  “What’s the worse that could happen,” she asks.

Mrs. Clinton, the Democratic senator from Illinois Arkansas Mississippi New Orleans Hades Cubs Mets Yankees Mets RabbitSeason DuckSeason WhatWillGetMeElected?New York noted that “America can handle a few more terrorist attacks, especially if my appearance as a peacenik, civil-rightsy type will get me elected president.”

Mrs. Clinton also told the Guardian that she believes, contrary to 220 years of settled Constitutional law, that the Constitution does not allow the president to exercise such broad powers.  “Though that Constitution-thingy clearly allows Congress to ban firearms and prohibits states from enacting laws regarding medical procdures,” she added.

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Wow, the Norwegians really know how to get to irrelevant in a hurry, don’t they?  Giving Al Gore a Nobel peace prize for his “work” in “climatology” is tantamount to giving the Boston Red Sox a Nobel prize in economics for “best groomed team in sports.”

Gore’s film, which a British court has ordered not to be shown to students without a disclaimer noting at least nine obvious inaccuracies, is apparently the basis for the Nobel award.  What do you expect from people who revere Jimmy Carter and Yassir Arafat.  If you’ve had the misfortune to see the film (I refuse to waste valuable time watching propaganda), please read the rebuttal by Lady Thatcher’s former science adviser, who finds no less than 35 inaccuracies in the short film.  (For the abridged version, see NewsBusters, here.)

Apparently, the NY Times’s Paul Krugman believes the ‘right-wing’ cannot have legitimate issues with the former vice president’s grasp of climatology.  (I say apparently, because, like I said, I try not to read propaganda).  If you want to read a text-book case of projection, try to find your way through the intellectual vomit of this column. 

The thrust of the bile is that conservatives cannot possibly have an argument against climate change (this is where you assume your conclusion as part of your argument), and therefore, we must all just be trying to “expunge the stain of illegitimacy from the Bush administration.”  Are we really stuck on that Paul?  Do you really think any of us, almost 8 years later, really believe Bush is not legitimately the President of the United States?  Only in your deranged little world of upper westside Manhattan does anyone still care about hanging chads.

From the “Are You Shitting Me” Category: The LA Times, Hillary Clinton’s California Press Office, with barely a hint of sarcasm or journalistic skepticism, announced that Hillary Clinton as raised nearly $400,000 from impoverished dishwashers in New York’s Chinatown.  This doesn’t even pass the laugh test. 

You’re talking about people who make less than $30,000 per year (less than half the NATIONAL average) and live in a city where the effective poverty level is twice that of the national average.  These people live in rotting tenements that are more reminiscent of a communist “paradise” than Manhattan.  Does anyone really believe they have the luxury or the slightest interest in giving $2,000 to some hack from Chicago?!?

Does anyone really think that these people are contributing to Hillary’s campaign?!?  Come on!  How many Asians have to be caught breaking campaign finance and fraud laws before people realize the Clinton’s have sold out to China?  Only the liberal media could POSSIBLY think this story isn’t fishy.  What a joke they are.

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer (NYSE: PFE) announced a 77% decline in earnings do to the discontinuation of its inhaled-insulin product, Exubera.  In an effort to bolster the company’s stock, Pfizer’s research and development division has announced the start of product trials on several new drugs:

• Pink Slipitor: A new drug for use by Pfizer employees that makes layoffs unnecessary.  The drugs high mortality rate (98%) is seen as a drawback for employee morale, but, according to financial estimates, the savings in Pfizer’s pension and medical costs will outweigh those effects.
• Selloft: A new anti-depressant that targets the financial risk processing regions of the brain, prevent the sale of Pfizer stock.
• PFEagra(pronounced (FI-AG-RA): A new drug to combat “earnings dysfunction” or “ED” in pharmaceutical stocks.  The drug works by inflating analysts’ estimates of future performance, but comes with a warning regarding “stock elevations lasting longer than four hours.”

Is it just me, or does it seem that every time politicians report their financial numbers, Obama announces a huge, unexpectedly positive number and, in just enough time to cook the books, Clinton announces a slightly larger number.  Why is Clinton always announcing second?  Why and how is she always beating Obama by a slim margin?  Isn’t it possible that Clinton, a politician that would make Machiavelli blush, is falsifying the books?  I wouldn’t put it past her. 

If Obama wasn’t such a rube, maybe he would wait until minutes before the deadline to announce.  Then again, if he was that smart, he wouldn’t be so damn dumb.

Democratic presidential hopeful and raging hypocrite Hillary Clinton (D-Mentia) has once again been forced to clarify directly conflicting statements made by her campaign.  Clinton recently remarked that eavesdropping powers should be used only for “limited, critical situations.”  According to a new book, however, Mrs. Clinton herself has used illegally intercepted and recorded cell phone conversations for purely political purposes.

After initially attacking the messenger, pursuant to Clinton Playbook, page 1, play 1, Mrs. Clinton was forced, once again, to restate a “core” position of her campaign.  “My position on eavesdropping and privacy remains unchanged,” explained Mrs. Clinton.  “First, there is no more critical situation than my personal ambition.  Second, I oppose all forms of domestic spying that do not serve my personal ambitions.  This is not rocket science, I am in favor of it when it benefits me and publicly opposed to it when it helps me to say so.”  Senator Clinton promised that, like her husband’s presidency, hers would be “based on fundamental principals like polling, popularity, and political expediency.”

Clinton also noted that she maintains a similar position on the rule of law, “especially regarding limits on political spying.”  Unlike oral sex, cigar frottage and perjury, it is clear that eavesdropping on cell phones without a warrant was illegal, even when Bill Clinton was president.