Barack to the Future: Obama Pledges Research Funds for Flux Capacitor
By Dan | March 1, 2008 - 11:53 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Best Of, Foreign Affairs, 9/11, Stars & Stripes, Science, Today in History, Edukashun

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has made his name by promising “change” and to “look forward” on controversial issues like healthcare, Iraq and the economy. Specifically on the global war on terror in Iraq, Senator Obama has criticized Senator McCain’s plan for continuing the surge in Iraq as being “stuck in the past.”  Senator Obama’s plan would be to withdraw all troops, undoing the entire war, and only return if al Qaeda were found in Iraq.  Senator Obama has also noted that he would never have gone to war with Iraq. Critics have claimed that this is not a solution of the current situation, but merely bemoaning the current facts.

Today, Senator Obama clarified the inconsistency. “This campaign has been about change. Changing the way we work in Washington. Changing the way we think as a nation and changing the way the world sees us. Today, I pledge, that as President, I would change the past to bring us a brighter tomorrow.” Senator Obama’s “Change the Past” program includes $4 Trillion for research into a “flux capacitor” and $100,000 for a 1981 DMC-12 De Lorean. “With this technology, which will be built here in America by companies that hire only union workers and pay at least 60% of worker’s healthcare costs, we can change yesterday for a better tomorrow!”

Former Vice President Al Gore has raised issues about the plan, saying that he is “concerned about the carbon footprint of a 1.21 gigaWatt device.”

Senator Obama’s Change the Past platform would also:

  • Unelect president Bush;
  • Destroy the internal combustion machine (regardless of cost) before it begins its long history of polluting the environment;
  • Prevent himself and his wife from going to law school and making all that money; and
  • Ensure Reagan loses/lost to Obama’s personal inspiration, Jimmy Carter.
More on Global Cooling
By Dan | February 27, 2008 - 1:13 am - Posted in Weather, Science

DailyTech has a very interesting article about Global Cooling.  Be sure to rev up your SUV to combat the sun’s arrogant attempts to disprove Al Gore.  As this blog has pointed out many times, solar variability seems to be the real driving factor in climate change.  Nearly 400 years ago an unusually warm period, not unlike the past decade, immediately preceded the mini-ice age of the 1600’s.  Fortunately for me, my Durango has heated seats and four wheel drive for those July blizzards.

There are three critical differences between Al Gore’s Global Warming charade and Global Cooling.  First, Global Cooling is real and it poses a risk.  Slight increases in Global Temperature will make it easier to farm (though not on the coast), and mankind will be able to survive a little flooding, even to the extent Mr. Gore exaggerates.  Global Cooling would cause drastic shortages of food, shelter, clothing and water.  You can’t grow corn in frozen tundra or permafrost.

Second, if the Al Gore is to be believed, it will take 100 years to see irrefutable changes do to Global Warming.  (In other words, changes that could not be due to normal variability).  If the sun’s surface radiation dropped, say 10%, do you know how quickly we would feel the effects?  100 years?  50 years?  Ten years?  Try within minutes.  It takes 8 minutes for the sun’s rays to travel from the surface of the sun to our little planet.  Cut that off and we freeze like Pluto.  The sun is the only thing that keeps us warm and Earth habitable.  Without it’s constant rays, not only would it be pretty dark outside, we would slowly begin to freeze as the Earth’s temperature cooled like a pie out of the oven.

Finally, and this is crucial, the cause and the solution.  My suspicion has always been that, subconsciously or not, Al Gore and his unmerry band of men in UN suits have so quickly and unquestioningly endorsed Global Warming™ because of a deep ceded liberal guilt.  They believe they have found an environmental cause they can blame on the wealthiest nation in the world, and they’re all too happy to externalize that guilt.  The sun?  It’s a lot like the weather…there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Stay warm out there.

Bill Gates “Cures” Capitalism
By Dan | January 24, 2008 - 10:40 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Best Of, Science, Adoptions

January 24, 2008
Microsoft founder Bill Gates today announced a project to “fix” capitalism, so that it better servers poor and developing nations.  The project, tentatively titled the “Modified System for Distribution Of Services”, will be unveiled in 6 months.  “This project will bring wealth to the masses in the same way that Microsoft brought computer technology to the masses,” noted Mr. Gates in Davos….


March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….


October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…


March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…


January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.


October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.” 

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

Scientists Breed First Mentally Ill Mouse
By Dan | July 30, 2007 - 9:55 am - Posted in Government, Science

Scientists studying genetic mental diseases have intentionally created a mentally ill mouse.  The mouse is said to have an IQ of 35, is schizophrenic, paranoid and delusional.  After laboratory tests are complete, the mouse, like its predecessors, intends to run for Congress.

Threats From a Man With No Integrity
By Dan | July 27, 2007 - 9:15 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Weather, Science

To give you some idea of what type of people we’re talking about–the people who know, better than you, what’s good for the planet–read this article about the personal threats made against a skeptic:

It is my intention to destroy your carreer as a liar.  If you produce one more article against climate change, I will launch a campaign against your professional integrity.  I will call you a liar and a charlatan to the Harvard community of which you and I are members.  I will call you out as a man who has been bought by Corporate America.  Go ahead guy, take me on.”

This is not one crackpot namby pamby bitching because someone is pissing on his little guilt parade.  It came from Michael T. Ekhart–a crackpot, namby pamby bitch to be sure, but also President of the American Council On Renewable Energy, a council of which the federal government is a part.  This is what they do.  They cannot win the argument, so they attack the messenger.  If you need more proof about what a cowardly, dishonorable, impotent lot this is, you’ll have to meet one of them in person.

Global Warming™ - Arm Thyself
By Dan | - 9:07 am - Posted in Weather, Science

Someday, I’d like to write a book about defending yourself from the zealots who think they know what’s best for you and the planet.  Until then, please read these two articles. 

The first (sorry, the WSJ requires a subscription) is William Grey (arguably the most experience hurricane forecaster on the planet) picking apart the myth that Global Warming™ causes hurricanes.  This is an amazingly convenient lie, coming as it does on the heels of Katrina and Rita.  You can almost see the liberal’s primitive neurosystem ticking away: “Katrina ‘killed’ thousands.  Many were poor, Black people.  We can find a way to blame rich people who own SUVs!  We’ll get the Nobel Prize for Liberalism and Guilt Awareness!”  (As an aside, or an exercise left to the reader, I note that Katrina actually saved thousands.  It was the levees breaking as they were bound to do, that caused most of the destruction.  Katrina got people out of town.)

As Dr. Grey points out, if you look at the two most recent 50-year periods 1900-1949 and 1957-2006, there were more hurricanes making landfall in the U.S. (101 total, 39 major) in the earlier, Model-T/Edsel period than in the present SUV, jetsetting carbon emitting evil doer period (83 total, 34 major hurricanes).  Dr. Grey also notes that the forcing effect that drives hurricane generation is the Atlantic current, which, in turn is driven by salinity.  Query whether saltier water flowing into the Arctic is the real cause of icemelt there.

The second is a great article about the hockey-stick fraud by, ironically, a science fiction author.  Orson Scott Card talks about the fraud that you’ve all seen, but may not know enough about.  It’s called the hockey stick (due to the dramatic rise at the front of the graph).  It’s a favorite of Global Warming™ salesman as it purports to show a dramatic increase in global temperature over time.  The fact that it is based on completely fabricated data is an inconvenient truth.

Gore: Global Warming™ Causing Behavioral Changes
By Dan | July 9, 2007 - 12:59 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Media & Marketing, Weather, Science

Former Vice President and “Science Camp” attendee, Al Gore announced today that all reasonable scientists agree that Global Warming is causing behavioral changes in all species, but humans in particular.  “These scientific reports clearly show an increase in drug abuse, drinking while driving, and excessive speeding in Priuses,” noted Mr. Gore at a press conference.

“It is clear, that the people most harmed by Global Warming are those most effected by these behavioral changes.  I am therefore proposing legislation in California to create a Global Warming™ legal defense to prosecution.” 

Relatedly, Mr. Gore blamed the dismal ratings of Live Earth, also known as “Giant Waste of Energy,” on these behavioral changes.  “It is clear to me, and all scientists agree with me on this, that but for Global Warming™, more people would have tuned in to watch our little show about Global Warming™.”  NBC announced that fewer people watched Live Earth than tuned in for summer reruns and the Stanley Cup playoffs between two minor market teams.  Mr. Gore dismissed claims that the piss poor ratings were due to the fact that over 70% of the people on the planet think he’s an ignorant twat.  “These people are clearly beholden to big oil.”

Something to Think About
By Dan | July 2, 2007 - 9:05 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Op Ed, Foreign Affairs, Weather, Science

People have asked what’s the big deal about Ken Livingstone, Premier of People’s Republic of London, rushing to defend Muslims as good citizens who contribute to the community.

As most of these people are liberals, I find the need to use an analogy that, perhaps, they will understand.  To be clear, I’m not arguing that Muslims should be harassed or attacked.  I’m merely trying to point out that Ken Livingstone is a helpless twit.

Imagine that your (the liberal’s) worst fears have come true, and Global Warming™ is, in fact, happening.  (It is astonishing, by the way that the Earth getting warmer is your worst fear, seeing as how most people would say death or public speaking, but let’s carry on).  In fact, Global Warming becomes so egregious, that temperatures rise an average of 10 degrees in 4 years.  Ice melts, cities are flooded, thousands of people die and polar bears are eating our young on the sandy beaches of Nova Scotia.  Every sensible person is horrified at this, and is trying their utmost to stop it.

Along comes Mr. Livingstone who urges you, out of the blue, not to demonize oil companies and SUV owners.  I think we all know what liberals would say about him.  They might even compare him with Holocaust deniers.

Unfortunately, he is not so insignificant as a “lackey for big oil.”  He is the mayor of a city that has been attacked for years by terrorists.  Unlike Global Warming™, terrorism is real, it will kill you and we are not powerless to stop it.

iPhone Marketing May Exaggerate, Slightly
By Dan | June 27, 2007 - 9:14 am - Posted in Media & Marketing, Science, Business Section, Adoptions

Apple, who manufactures the new iPhone set to hit stores this Friday, has come under fire for its allegedly exaggerated marketing of the device.  According to reviews, the phone, which performs more like alien technology, meets some of its hype, but does not deliver on all promises.

 According to the Media and Internet Consumerism Research, Observation and Study of Opinion and Factual Testing Institute, the following claims were not, decisively, borne out by the iPhone:

  • The iPhone cannot, in fact, contact aliens in a galaxy far, far away (unless they have an iPhone, and then subject to long-distance rates and surcharges);
  • The iPhone does not, in fact, cure cancer;
  • The iPhone does not provide universal healthcare;
  • The iPhone does not create a stable and lasting democracy in Iraq;
  • The iPhone does not create a two-state solution in Israel.
Voters Raise Minimum IQ for Congress
By Dan | June 21, 2007 - 4:44 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Science, Business Section, Edukashun

[Parody of the original]

Voters agreed Thursday on a proposal to increase congressional intelligence standards to a minimum IQ of 35, the first significant boost demanded of legislators in nearly 20 years. The agreement, expected to be announced at a news conference, would scale back a proposal already in the constitution that would require functional literacy and at least a fleeting grasp of economics, science and logic.  The measure nonetheless was considered strong enough to have wide support from voters. 

The compromise is an attempt to quash efforts by other voters who are sympathetic to the fat, bloated morons already in congress to press a less stringent proposal.   The less stringent proposal involves “urination containment” and IQ’s tied to height.Congressmen are currently required to have an average IQ of 27.5 for senators and 22.2 for members of the house of representatives.  Functional literacy is currently seen as a handicap to service in congress.