Clintonian Contradiction
By Dan | January 29, 2008 - 12:13 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Op Ed, Clinton

The interesting thing about the Clinton’s past and present is the dichotomy of scandalism.  Hillary and Bill created their empire by drudging up dirt and slinging it as hard and as fast as they could to destroy anyone who said or did anything that could possibly impede their ambitions.  (One side irony here is that Hillary especially has been the pot calling the kettle black with her “vast right wing conspiracy” and “politics of personal destruction” bitching.)

The irony is completed with Bill’s own presidency.  He set the scandal bar so low that, especially in Democratic presidential politics, there is no scandal that can sink a candidate.  Think of it, this is a man who not only got a blow job from an intern in the oval office, but lied under oath about and, not only wasn’t impeached, but remained in office.  Many Democrats still revere this guy, and he was disbarred by Arkansas.  ARKANSAS!

Once Hillary lost her lead and the “air of inveitability” the Clinton media machine spewed on everyone, the only way she could defeat Obama was to undermine him.  Clinton’s don’t win on their merits, they make the other person a greater evil.  It’s their modus operandi.  No rational person thinks that Hillary Clinton can win a popularity contest, especially not with the “smooth, silky sounds” of Obama.  All she has is mud slinging.

Hillary’s only option is to smear Obama with a juicy, Titanic-sinking-iceberg sized scandal.  There’s the rub.  Can you think of any scandal bigger than anything the Clinton’s have already gotten away with? 

Financial scandal?  Whitewater anyone.

Sex scandal?  Come one, Clinton has more skeletons under the sheets than Jeffrey Dahmer.

Misuse of government authority?  Pardongate, Travelgate. 

Even murder?  Vince Foster.

There is nothing the Clintons could (plausibly or not) pin on Obama that would sink his campaign, at least not without sinking Hillary’s in the process.  The Clintons have managed to lower the bar so far that the one thing that they’re good at has been rendered moot.  If it wasn’t sad and pathetic, it would be poetic.

Clinton Comments on Kennedy Endorsement
By Dan | - 10:23 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Clinton

Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton lashed out at Senator Ted Kennedy for his endorsement of her rival, Barrack Obama.  “I feel like he threw me off a bridge and watched me drown,” noted the two term senator from New York.  With such a long history of fighting for women’s rights, “how could anyone know he would be so anti-woman?” asked Mrs. Clinton between sobs.

Coming this Sunday
By Dan | - 10:02 am - Posted in Best Of, Sports

They came to the dessert, dressed in dark suits, on a United plane, in all senses of the phrase.  They were told they were to bow before the “Greatest Team in History,” and yield up a perfect season to the gods from the north.  They failed in their task.  They refused to lose to this greatest of teams of all time.  And that’s why we call them Giants.

Giants 35, New England 30.

Bill Gates “Cures” Capitalism
By Dan | January 24, 2008 - 10:40 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Best Of, Science, Adoptions

January 24, 2008
Microsoft founder Bill Gates today announced a project to “fix” capitalism, so that it better servers poor and developing nations.  The project, tentatively titled the “Modified System for Distribution Of Services”, will be unveiled in 6 months.  “This project will bring wealth to the masses in the same way that Microsoft brought computer technology to the masses,” noted Mr. Gates in Davos….


March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….


October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…


March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…


January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.


October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.” 

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

Giants Sign Secret Weapon
By Dan | January 22, 2008 - 11:07 am - Posted in Sports

The New York Football Giants, who shocked the sporting world and beat the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday, have announced the signing of a new defensive back to bolster their injury plagued secondary.  “The Giants have to be concerned about Randy Moss and Wess Welker, two outstanding weapons for New England,” notes one sports commentator.  “This new acquisition will practically eliminate Randy Moss as a threat.”

The Giants, who face the heavily favored New England Patriots in the Superbowl, have signed Rachelle Washington, of Broward County, Florida as a new free safety.  The team has not released the terms of the deal, but a source close to the team says the new safety will be paid “high seven figures” for just one game’s work.

Head coach Tom Coughlin admitted she does not have a lot of experience.  “She’s not very fast, she can’t jump all that high, but on the positive side of the ledger, Randy Moss can’t come within 167 yards of her.”  Giants’ defensive coordinator Steve Spagnulo has a plan for her unique skill set: “We’re going to put her at mid-field.  Randy Moss won’t even be allowed on the side-line.”