Happy Rick Monday!
By Dan | April 28, 2008 - 10:28 am - Posted in Sports, Today in History

Thirty two years ago this past Saturday, the greatest play in baseball history.

God Bless Rick Monday!

Karma Tornado Hits Patriots
By Dan | February 4, 2008 - 12:04 am - Posted in Sports

Here’s the thing about sports, sometimes, on a beautiful Sunday, Karma plays a role in the destiny of champions.

Bill Belicheck, a great coach in the Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese style, had a lot of karma following him all season.  Rodney Harrison, the most fined player in the league and perennial dirtiest player in the league, anchored his defense.  He was caught stealing signs in week one, and remained unrepentant.  He ran up the score on lesser teams.  And, when a 19-0 perfect season was within grasp (much like Eli Manning was to his defense), his organization tried to trademark “19-0 the Perfect Season.”  This from a man, who’s motivational speech in Superbowl XL was a description of Philadelphia’s parade route.

A tough coach who’s sweep-the-leg, win at all costs mentality drove his team to near perfection, was defeated by Daniel Larusso and a whole lot of heart.  World Champions have character.  And character beats * everytime.

14 - 6 beats 18 - 1 when the 1 is the SuperBowl.

Coming this Sunday - Revised!
By Dan | February 3, 2008 - 11:47 pm - Posted in Sports

They came to the dessert, dressed in dark suits, on a United plane, in all senses of the phrase.  They were told they were to bow before the “Greatest Team in History,” and yield up a perfect season to the gods from the north.  They failed in their task.  They refused to lose to this greatest of teams of all time.  And that’s why we call them Giants.

NY Giants      35 17
New England 30 14

Coming this Sunday
By Dan | January 29, 2008 - 10:02 am - Posted in Best Of, Sports

They came to the dessert, dressed in dark suits, on a United plane, in all senses of the phrase.  They were told they were to bow before the “Greatest Team in History,” and yield up a perfect season to the gods from the north.  They failed in their task.  They refused to lose to this greatest of teams of all time.  And that’s why we call them Giants.

Giants 35, New England 30.

Giants Sign Secret Weapon
By Dan | January 22, 2008 - 11:07 am - Posted in Sports

The New York Football Giants, who shocked the sporting world and beat the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday, have announced the signing of a new defensive back to bolster their injury plagued secondary.  “The Giants have to be concerned about Randy Moss and Wess Welker, two outstanding weapons for New England,” notes one sports commentator.  “This new acquisition will practically eliminate Randy Moss as a threat.”

The Giants, who face the heavily favored New England Patriots in the Superbowl, have signed Rachelle Washington, of Broward County, Florida as a new free safety.  The team has not released the terms of the deal, but a source close to the team says the new safety will be paid “high seven figures” for just one game’s work.

Head coach Tom Coughlin admitted she does not have a lot of experience.  “She’s not very fast, she can’t jump all that high, but on the positive side of the ledger, Randy Moss can’t come within 167 yards of her.”  Giants’ defensive coordinator Steve Spagnulo has a plan for her unique skill set: “We’re going to put her at mid-field.  Randy Moss won’t even be allowed on the side-line.”

Boston Wins World Series; Satan Blames Cost of Heating Oil
By Dan | October 29, 2007 - 5:54 am - Posted in Media & Marketing, Sports

With the price of crude oil nearing $90 per barrel, consumers are feeling the pinch.  “I just can’t keep this place warm any longer,” notes B. L. Zabub, managing director of Hades en Perpetuem.  “The Red Sox have won their second World Series since the Curse of the Bambino, George Steinbrenner is asking his underlings for advice — things have really gone to . . . well, you know.”

Indeed, many observers wonder if the poor Cubbies might be next.  “I just don’t know,” says the Prince of Darkness.  “Right now, I’m just worried about my business.  I have contracts to keep.  I’ve got that deal in Foxboro and somebody has to keep Al Franken popular.  It’s tough on business.”

 For now, Boston fans are enjoying their second moment in the October sun.  “Who knows how long we can keep this up,” notes one fan.  “We’ve got two rings, some high-priced talent, people all over the country rooting for us,” another fan added excitedly, “we’re just like the Yankees!”  A look of shock and horror filled his face before he was beaten to death by passersby.

“Irony always made me smile,” remarks B.L. Zabub, “but I’ve got my work cut out for me.  Before you know it, my beloved NY Times will be acknowledging New Yorkers who win Congressional Medals of Honor.  That’ll be the day.

Obama: Hillary Stole Signs
By Dan | October 2, 2007 - 8:29 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Clinton, Sports

Barrack Obama’s campaign came out with a stunning allegation against the Clinton campaign today.  The allegations came after Senator Clinton (D-Your State Here!) announced she had raised over $27 million in the third quarter of 2007.  Senator Obama, who raised $19 million, cried foul and intends to file a complaint with the federal election commission, the flaccid, toothless bureaucracy charged with monitoring violations of election law.

Sources close to the Obama campaign say an aide of Mrs. Clinton was spotted video taping callsbetween the Obama campaign and obscenely rich donors plagued by their liberal guilt.  “This is a clear violation of the rules,” notes the source.  Under Democratic party rules, once a candidate has harvested the liberal guilt from the obscenely rich, another candidate is prohibited from doing the same.  It is suspected that a new Clinton adviser, William Belichick, is responsible for the taping.

The Clinton campaign denied the allegations.  “We continue to raise money the same way the Clintons have for decades, selling access to foreign nationals, fraud by Asians, falsifying our numbers, especially after the other candidates have announced their numbers, and our Pardons for Cash™ program.  All of these are approved forms of Democratic fundraising under the FEC.”

Cheating: So Easy, A Caveman Can Do It
By Dan | September 24, 2007 - 10:49 am - Posted in Sports

Bill Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots and amateur video aficionado, has inked his first endorsement deal.  The promotional agreement, with “Barely Legal™ Performance Enhancement Supplements,” a “vitamin” distributor, as raised eyebrows around the league.

Mr. Belichick signed the deal shortly after beating up the hapless Buffalo Bills.  The Bills, stricken by injuries, were neck and neck with the undefeated Patriots at half time.  “Thankfully, we were able to review some tape during the half, and made some ‘adjustments’ in the second half.”  The Patriots won the game 38-7 on the strength of an offense that, somehow, always seemed to know what defense it was going to face.

The ’supplements’ endorsement will run in major markets, as well as in professional athletics periodicals.  The tagline is reported to be “With Bareley Legal™ supplements, you can interpret the rules your own way!”

Clinton Hires New Campaign Staff
By Dan | September 15, 2007 - 8:49 am - Posted in Clinton, Sports

In the wake of another finance scandal, the Clinton campaign has done some house cleaning and hired several new senior staffers.  The staff shake up comes as Mrs. Clinton tries to exorcise demons conjured by her husband’s tenure in office.  “The name Clinton is not exactly synonymous with ‘integrity,’” notes one commentator.  “This restaffing is Mrs. Clinton’s attempt to avoid any doubts about her integrity.”

The new senior staff will include a “Head of Campaign Integrity,” who will be responsible for interpreting and enforcing campaign rules, local laws as well as drafting and enforcing Clinton’s ethical guidelines.  The position will be filled by New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick.  In introducing Mr. Belichick, Mrs. Clinton noted that “Bill provides the kind of leadership and winning spirit that has gotten me where I am today.”  Under Mr. Belichick, specifically charged with rules enforcement, will be form NBA referee Tim Donaghy, whose “experiences on and off the courts make him an ideal candidate for our team.”

In addition, the campaign will be adding several new roles under the finance branch.  The role of “Head of Appropriations” will be filled by O.J. Simpson.  Campaign Security will be lead by Adam “Pacman” Jones.

What’s next, dog killer?
By Dan | July 27, 2007 - 8:39 am - Posted in Legal, Sports

Atlanta Falcons’ star running back, Michael Vick, was arraigned on charges of animal cruelty in Richmond Virginia.  Mr. Vick, who holds the NFL record for most direct snaps to a running back, pleaded not guilty.  The charges stem from the running back’s involvement in an interstate dogfighting league, where dogs who were not vicious enough to fight or who lost fights, would be shot, drowned or electrocuted to death. 

Attorneys for the sad sack of wasted puss claim that the 8 pit bull corpses found on the running back’s property were “being held for a friend.”  At a press conference, the dirtiest bird alleged his innocence and vowed to catch the real killers.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that, following his imminent conviction for brutally torturing defenseless animals, “Mr. Vick will be dealt with by the league.”  Sources close to the Commissioner note that the league is considering increasing its most severe punishment, a lifetime ban from football, to “hanging by the neck until he be dead, dead, dead.”