Firings of Political Appointees Politically Motivated
By Dan | March 30, 2007 - 8:21 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals

Kyle Sampson, a former aide to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez confirmed that the firing of politically appointed US attorneys was politically motivated.   Mr. Sampson also testified that the sky is blue, the sun rises in the East and the Yankees have a high payroll. 

In openning remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mr. Sampson noted “I believe it is important to explain these events to Congress openly and honestly.  The Senators here today and throughout this great body obviously have trouble with the obvious.”  The former aide also suggested a remedial reading and GED program so that the Senators might be able to “catch up with other semi-sentient beings, like distempered dogs and small birds.”

Commenting on the testimony, Senator Patrick Leahey’ chair of Senate Judiciary Committee, expressed surprise “I can’t believe he actually said it!  This guy has a real future in the Democratic party.”  Senator Clinton (D-Your State Here) agreed, “the only legitimate reason to fire any or all federal prosecutors is to hamper the investigation of a benefactor or coconspirator.  This is politics 101.”  The Committee is considering proposing legislation that would formally criminalize politics, as well as institute a Senate-wide naptime and free juice boxes.

Sopranos Return, Vow to Whack Global Warming™
By Dan | March 29, 2007 - 11:31 am - Posted in Best Of, Media & Marketing, Weather

The highly anticipated final season of HBO’s acclaimed mobster saga, “The Sopranos” begins Sunday, April 8at 9 pm.  the Daily Danet has previewed the final installment, which is fantastic!  The season begins with Tony and Carmella back together, and Johnny Sack still serving time in a federal penitentiary on RICO charges.  This is a nice situation for Tony, as it gives him greater control over a larger area and restores his (marital) family life.

Things begin to come undone towards the end of the first episode, however.  “Izit hot out here, or what?” asks Paulie Walnuts as he and Chris Moltisanti carry the rug-draped corpse of a former colleague through a wooded area in Bergen County.  “Yeah, I feel about four tenths of a degree warmer than last summer,” replies Chris.  The exchange is the first of many written into the show by the producers in response to Al Gore’s recent oscar for the fake but accurate fictional documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth.”

In one later episode, Bobby Bacala and Janice Soprano discuss their weight problems.  “I can’t exercise, Janice, it’s too hot out there!  Global Warming’s gonna be the death of me!”  Several characters also discuss the ballistic effects of rising temperatures.  “I’m tellin’ ya, I can’t shoot straight no more.  Friggin’ global warming changes da atmosphere and da bullets don’ get where dey need to be, ya know,” complains Silvio Dante during one late night outting.  “I know,” confirms another mobster, “the other day, I had to use piano wire to off some broad who would’t pay protection.” 

“I got your chloro-frigging-florocarbons right here,” screams another cast member in a gunfight with FBI agents.  In another scene, Tony orders the execution of a single mother and her 10-year old daughter who witnessed organized crime activity, “reduce their carbon footprint to zero,” cryptically notes the mob boss.  “And no offsets this time,” he adds.

These complaints culminate in the sixth and seventh episodes when Tony decides to bring the full force of organized crime to bear against the nefariously warming Earth.  “I want this Global Warming [] to stop, ya hear me?  Today.  It stops today.”  We have signed a confidentiality agreement that prevents us from providing too much detail, but the season and series climax involves a special guest appearance by Al Gore, 10,000 stolen air conditioners and the slaughter of cows, termites and rice patties.

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Anti-Discrimination Legislation Passes Senate, On to House
By Dan | - 9:31 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Government, Legal, Adoptions

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) announced a sweeping anti-discrimination bill, which passed the Senate late last night.  In keeping with Democratic policy, such as it is, the legislation would outlaw all forms of discrimination. 

The legislation, prompted by recent events including the firing of U.S. district attorneys, the collapse of the subprime housing market and a recent dismissal of a federal case involving alleged racial profiling, addresses areas of law enforcement, banking, election law and tax law.  The act, known as the Comprehensive and Holistic Abolition of Object Standards Act of 2007, creates 3,457 distinct protected classes of individuals, in addition to the existing 11 classes of race, ethnicity, religion, color, national origin, age, sex, sexual orientation, disability, veteran status and political affiliation. 

In announcing the bill, Senator Schumer noted that “The American people elected the Democratic party expecting this CHAOS Act, and we have delivered on our promise.” 

The additional classes will prohibit discrimination based on (among other things)

  • Ability or IQ (these follow the federal government’s existing guidelines for bureaucratic workers and elected officials);
  • Criminal record (this will allow convicted felons of either party the right to not only vote, but also run for office); 
  • Credit rating, income or ability to repay a loan (to address ‘predatory lending’ concerns);
  • Manifest intention to kill, maim, behead or otherwise injure others (abolition of racial profiling);
  • Election to purchase relevant coverage (this would require insurers to pay for flood damage, despite the lack of a policy); and
  • Intention to follow policy mandate of your superiors (this would protect political appointees from being fired for not serving at the pleasure of the president).

Experts agree that this legislation will drastically alter the American landscape.  “No longer will lenders be able to charge higher rates just because someone has a lower credit rating,” notes Harvard professor of Economics and Peoples of Color Studies, Dr. Nile Isst. U.C. Berkely dean of Economics and professor of Marxism, Dr. Malcom Tent, agrees: “it is high time that we become a more indiscriminate nation.”

When asked whether existing laws could address these concerns, particularly in the banking arena, Senator Schumer responded “sure, but you don’t get your name in the paper for following existing laws.”

Congress to Outlaw Unintended Consequences
By Dan | March 28, 2007 - 9:22 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Adoptions

Legislation was introduced in the both houses of Congress today that would prohibit unintended consequences from hampering new investigations.  Senators Patrick Leahy (D-Fective)and Charles Schumer (D-Monizer) expressed outrage over Monica Goodling’s decision to exercise her right to remain silent following the conviction of Lewis Libby on perjury charges. 

“We can’t have people taking the Fifth just because we intend to convict them of perjury,” stated Senator Leahy.  “I think it’s very important to view this as an admission of wrongdoing by President Bush himself,” added Mr. Schumer.  One U.C. Berkeley professor agrees.  “This sort of thing has become endemic in today’s politics,” notes Dr. Noah Taul, who teaches courses like “Being a Better Person - Why Terrorists Are Right to Want to Kill Us.”   ”We, as civilized people, try to do good and the Republicans change the rules of economics so there’s always egg on our faces.  It’s not fair!”

Among other things, the legislation would:

  • Prohibit using the prosecution of colleagues for political differences as a rationale to avoid testifying;
  • Revoke the Fifth Amendment as passé;
  • Require the Dow Jones Industrial Average to decrease in any year in which taxes are cut and rise in any year in which taxes were raised;
  • Require welfare recipients to work, despite having a disincentive to find a job;
  • Require business to provide free healthcare, continue to make profits and hire new employees; and
  • Require the price of gasoline to decrease rather than increase in proportion to taxes and pollution controls levied upon it.

There is also a catch-all self referential provision: “Notwithstanding the foregoing, nothing in this Act shall cause any negative consequences to the persons voting in favor of such act.”

Roosevelt to Step Back, Rather than Rush into War
By Dan | - 8:54 am - Posted in Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes, Today in History

December 8, 1941
President Roosevelt today announced that he would not rush to judgment over the misunderstanding at Pearl Harbor.  “Rather than roaring into action and sinking everything in sight we try to step back and that, of course, is why our chaps were, in effect,” decimated, noted the President’s press secretary, Alan West.  When asked about the war in Europe, Mr. West noted that the president preferred a diplomatic solution.

This announcement came shortly after the War Department released radio transcripts from the U.S. Navy base in Pearl Harbor.  From the transcripts, it is clear that a liaison from the War Department ordered American forces to stand down, lest they provoke a conflict.

In related news, the British Defence Minister’s wife and mother were abducted in broad daylight in London yesterday.  Police were on the seen as events unfolded, but the Minister ordered them not to intervene.  “I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding,” noted the Minister.

Clinton to Be Called Before House Committee
By Dan | March 27, 2007 - 9:29 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Clinton, Weather

The House Judiciary Committee announced today that former President Bill Clinton may be called to testify as early as Thursday.  The move comes just one week after Oscar winning global warming expert and internet inventor Al Gore testified on Global Warming™ in both the House and Senate energy committees.

The subject of Mr. Clinton’s testimony has not yet been disclosed, but sources indicate Mr. Clinton may be asked to tesitify regarding his work with AIDS in Africa as well as abstinence programs.  “If a man with 200,000 kWh mansion can lecture us about energy use, who better than Bill Clinton to talk about chastity?”

In related news, the House Committee on Agriculture will welcome Rabbi Morton Ficklestein, who will discuss advances in pork products.

Iran to Release Hostages, Blames Global Warming
By Dan | - 9:21 am - Posted in Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes, Adoptions

The Peaceful Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that it would release 15 British servicemen whom it kidnapped in Iraqi waters.  The move comes after U.S. and British naval forces performed a demonstration of their “peaceful intentions” off the Iranian coast.  Discussing the impending release, Minister of Kidnappings and Torture, Mahmoud bin Q’ilun Zem, noted that Global Warming™ was to blame for the minor misunderstanding. 

“It gets very hot in the Persian Gulf,” noted Mr. bin Q’ilun Zem.  “Iraqi waters, Iranian waters, international waters–it’s very confusing and Global Warming has only made it worse.  If only we had access to the despoofed GPS signal and 2 or 3 hundred nuclear reactors, for peaceful sheep herding purposes, this sort of thing would not happen again.”

 In related news, Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that Iran will receive high-yield conventional, and possibly even nuclear weapons, directly from Her Majesty’s Royal Navy.  The times and manner of delivery remain to be decided.  “You’ll be the first to know when they arrive,” Mr. Blair noted to President and Head Kidnapper, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Arrests at Mustang Ranch
By Dan | March 26, 2007 - 9:15 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Government, Business Section, Adoptions

Ms. May Dupname, of East Reno, Nevada, was arrested on Saturday at the world-renowned Mustang Ranch brothel and café.  Ms. Dupname, a prostitute and employee of the brothel was charged Monday morning with solicitation of interior design and illegal practice of furniture movement, second degree.  Office Phil Anderer of the Nevada State Troopers, Interior Design Unit made the arrest early Saturday morning.

“We had received reports from several concerned citizens who had heard the tell-tale sounds of couches and beds being moved,” Officer Anderer explained at a press conference.  Officer Anderer said that the IDU arranged a sting operation, where he and many other officers would pose as johns and investigate the famous, government-run brothel.  “I paid the fee and entered a room with a Ms. May Dupname.  In the process of fulfilling her legal duties as a prostitute, Ms. Dupname moved a faux mahogany chippendale chair from the west corner of the room to a spot near the center.  After the completion of the session, I informed Ms. Dupname that I was with law enforcement, and she was under arrest.”

Ms. Dupname is in jail, pending bail.

Support Our Troops Legislation Sails Through Congress
By Dan | - 8:53 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Best Of, Stars & Stripes, Adoptions

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (Socialist-CA), gleefully announced the passage of the sponsored “Support Our Troops” bill.  The legislation, officially known as the Comprehensive Omnibus Wartime Appropriations and Readiness Deployment for Limited Years Act of 2007, requires the nation of Iraq to meet certain milestones in self-protection.  If Iraq is unable to protect itself in the time allotted, U.S. forces will be withdrawn, beginning in the regions where they are needed most.

Speaking to reporters, Madam Speaker confirmed “This COWARDLY Act of 2007 is a keystone of the Democratic platform.” Ms. Pelosi also noted several additional provisions of the bill:

  • A $10,000 merit bonus for all soldiers who declare they are conscientious objectors;
  • A $1,000,000,000 joint grant to, PINK and other groups to arrange “welcome home” gatherings;
  • Relatedly, an amendment of the federal criminal code to expressly permit the burning of the American flag, the destruction of federal property and assault of servicemen;
  • An express statement that the U.S. military may not engage the peaceful state of Iran without Ms. Pelosi’s personal approval of all details of any attack; and 
  • Funds for the creation of a “Your Sacrifice was Wasted: Bush Lied and You Died,” memorial.

President Bush is expected to veto the legislation.

Iran Takes Hostages, World Leaders Urge Restraint
By Dan | March 23, 2007 - 8:41 am - Posted in Politics & Policy

Immediately following the announcement that Iran had taken 15 British sailors hostage in Iraqi waters, world leaders from Europe, the Middle East and Canada, issued a joint statement condemning the forthcoming British response.   ”Britain must not overract to this minor offense by renegade members of the Iranian Navy, backed by the full support of Iran,” the statement read.  The statement also noted that Islam is a religion of peace, and that Britain should consider removing its military forces from Arab lands.

 Iran had previously announced plans to capture allied forces, following the “victory” by it’s foreign ministry, Hezballah.

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