I was laid up for the past week, having required minor surgery. After the third day of vicodin, I found my spirit guide, an aging cowboy named Ronald.

We spoke for several days on the astral plane. We spoke of terrorists (he’s not in favor of them), economy (he liked the Dow hitting 12,000 following the tax cuts) and politics. At the end of my journey (out of vicodin), I asked him what he thought of the Republican leadership. He said it would be a good idea.

Usama bin Laden offered his own October surprise today by extending a truce offer to the United States and its allies in Iraq. Mr. bin Laden’s plan, which contemplates a phased, pro rata reduction in al Qaeda and allied forces over a 6 month period, could begin as early as November 8.

“We endorse the great wisdom of Representative Murtha and his plan for redeployment of the great satan’s minions,” Mr. bin Laden said in a statement released by al Jazeera’s U.S.-based affiliate, CNN. “If the U.S. military relocates its 140,000 person Army to Okinawa, a mere 5,000 miles from Baghdad, al Qaeda will also redeploy its troops from Iraq, along with those of other insurgent groups.”

The al Qeada leader promised to move the estimated 20,000 person insurgency force even further from Baghdad than Okinawa. “We were thinking approximately 6,000 miles. Say somewhere in Jersey City. We may even spread out from there.”

The proposal is under consideration by prominent Democrats.

The reportedly dud nuclear test by North Korea raises many questions, such as do we launch a preemptive strike before or after the midterm elections. But it also answered a few. Firstly, is Kim Jong Il nuts? The answer, of course, is yes.

The question has been open recently because, as one comedian points out, he acts crazy, the world capitulates and he gets what he wants. Perhpas this is not the act of a madman, but the skilled dance of a calculating man.

But now, it’s about a month before our Congressional elections. The Democrats, on the heels of a kid-touching Republican scandal and a floundering President with the communication skills of a broken drive through speaker, are poised to take (by default rather than principals) the leadership of both houses of Congress. The only thing that could save Republican control of the legislature is an October Suprise that would rekindle American fears of terrorism and the need for a strong defense.

The Democrats, of course, have already announced their intention to coddle the little bastard dictator. If the Democrats regain power, is there any doubt that “aid” would flow freely into North Korea at the expense of U.S. taxpayers and to the long-term detriment of the North Korean peasants?

So what does he do? Kim Jong Il, on the eve of getting what he wants, does the only thing within his power to prevent it: he goes nuclear. Or tries, anyway. Like I said, he’s nuts and this proves it.

What is it with people named Ted? Are they all just insane? Does being named Theodore make people go a little bonkers? It seems to get worse if your name is Edward and you opt into being called “Ted.”

There’s Edward “Pass the Scotch” Ted Kennedy, drunk more often than water (appologies to Douglas Adams); Ted Kaczynski, possibly the most sane Ted since Rooselvent and now Robert Edward “Call Me Crazy Ted” Turner. He says that he can’t pick sides in the war on terror. He objects to the “black and white” phrase “you’re either with us or against us.” He says he’d like to “study it.” He “hasn’t made [his] mind up yet.”

Really? You can’t decide whether you want to be on the side of your fellow Americans, or those whose sworn purpose is to kill every single one of us? That’s a tough decision for you is it? Are you really that much of a self-loathing, suicidal sociopath? Was life really that bad, Teddy? I mean, it must have been really hard joining that Savvannah yacht club at the tender age of nine. America can be an unforgiving place, especially for billionaires.

He also objects to journalists wearing or displaying the American flag. Yeah, why should journalists acknowledge the symbol of the freedoms from which they draw their income? Why should journalists be allowed to show, clearly and unambiguously, how they feel? Is it because you know that, if they were really free to, CNN, NBC and CBS journalists would show this flag instead?

I’m sorry, I don’t have time to blog today. I’m too busy reading all the MSM articles on the plummetting budget deficit. Turns out cutting taxes actually increased revenues.

Seriously, I’m sure the NY Times and CNN will get around to reporting it. Eventually.

The U.S. Government Printing Office announced today that it would discontinue several of its products due to poor sales. In particular, the GPO announced that it would not longer produce the 109th Congress bookmarks, 2″x5″ gold plated titanium stamped with the Congressional seal and the Congressional motto “Sono un servent pubblico, genuflessione di me.”

When asked for comment, GPO spokesman noted, “I guess all Congressmen just prefer bent over pages.”