Hillary Clinton (D-Your State Here) has admitted that, if elected president, she would “return” some executive authority to Congress.  “I firmly believe that the Democrats in Congress are far better equipped to deal with matters of national security and defense than any president, including myself.” 

Many Republicans were quick to agree.  “I absolutely think that there is no one less qualified to handle these matters than Hillary Rodham Clinton,” noted one Republican leader, Arthur A. Kneeleft.

Mrs. Clinton again condemned the Bush/Cheney administration for their “overly zealous” war on terror.  “It has been over 6 years since America has been directly attacked by al Qaeda.  Surely we can lessen our resolve and let down our defenses now,” she told the Guardian newspaper of London.  “What’s the worse that could happen,” she asks.

Mrs. Clinton, the Democratic senator from Illinois Arkansas Mississippi New Orleans Hades Cubs Mets Yankees Mets RabbitSeason DuckSeason WhatWillGetMeElected?New York noted that “America can handle a few more terrorist attacks, especially if my appearance as a peacenik, civil-rightsy type will get me elected president.”

Mrs. Clinton also told the Guardian that she believes, contrary to 220 years of settled Constitutional law, that the Constitution does not allow the president to exercise such broad powers.  “Though that Constitution-thingy clearly allows Congress to ban firearms and prohibits states from enacting laws regarding medical procdures,” she added.

The Bush Administration today announced another shake up of the U.S. “intelligence” community following an embarrassing leak that tipped of al Qaeda to U.S. surveillance capabilities.  “It is obvious that the Central Intelligence Agency and the broader intelligence community has its own agenda and cannot control its personnel,” noted President Bush at a White House press conference earlier today.  “The CIA, and the other 15 intelligence gathering agencies that gather information on the global war on terror, will be disbanded and reorganized, effective immediately.”

The President has proposed a “bi-partisan” intelligence gathering community that, in place of the Central Intelligence Agency, would create a “Right Intelligence Agency” and a “Left Intelligence Agency.”  The RIA would be responsible for tracking terrorists, providing actionable intelligence to military and other assets and predicting and preventing future attacks.  The Left Intelligence Agency will be responsible for leaking sensitive material to the press, undermining U.S. interests and attacking the RIA.   House and Senate Democrats are already considering an appropriations bill that would provide the LIA with an annual budget of $500 billion and the RIA with $20 and bus fare home.

Separately, the ACLU has announced it is investigating charges related to the press leak.  “We are concerned,” notes ACLU spokeshippie Summer Gnottat-Albright “that al Qaeda’s privacy was violated in this instance.  The government has no right to spy on people, regardless of their intentions.”

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is sending her husband abroad to restore America’s image.  At first hearing of this, Mr. Clinton was very excited, but after learning the proper meaning of the phrase “sending him abroad,” he was disappointed, but still enthusiastic. 

Mrs. Clinton’s advisers hope that by having the former president and aspiring First Lady Killer travel Europe, the Middle East, Asia and Africa, the world will develop a greater appreciation for American culture and society, especially corndogs, shady real estate dealings and sexual assault. 

Mr. Clinton plans to restore America’s image through in-person meetings with world leaders, lectures and “generally spreading ‘good will.’”  One dissastisfied intern report that, “although he does call it ‘Will,’ or more often ‘Willie,’ it’s not all that good.”

Mr. Clinton is scheduled to give several talks in Europe and Asia including “Ethics and Campaign Finance;” ”Marital Fidelity and Dealing with Multiple Sexual Assault Charges;” “Real Estate, Stock and Commodities Investments;” “Traveling on a Government Expense Account;” “Pardons and Cash Management;” “Office Filing and Organization;” and “How to Make the Murder of a Friend Look Like a Suicide.”

Presidential hopeful HIllary Clinton (D-Your State Here!) has joined the search for Democratic fundraiser, felon and fugitive Norman Hsu.  Hsu, who pleaded no contest to felony fraud charges but fled authorities for 15 years rather than serving his 3-year sentence, was Mrs. Clinton’s largest financial backer.  When Mr. Hsu’s identity was discovered recently by the media, he was apprehended and, in strict accordance with California law applicable to Democratic party donors that have proved to be a flight risk, he was released on bail. 

When Mr. Hsu then failed to appear in court, the court again ordered his arrest.  Today, Mrs. Clinton publicly asked Mr. Hsu to “contact my campaign staff as soon as possible.”  Although some pundits were surprised at the public plea to a fugitive at large, Mrs. Clinton explained her rationale: “We are down to almost $4 million cash on hand and the primaries are coming up.  We need as much money as possible!”

Several newly minted United States citizens have expressed their disagreement over the official answer to one question on the USCIS citizenship test.  The question: “What is the most important right granted to United States citizens?” has also drawn fire from citizen’s rights groups. 

“First of all, it’s an opinion question.  Since when did the United States require citizens to have a specific opinion on anything.  In fact, one of the most fundamental rights we enjoy is the ability to disagree publicly and openly with our government,” noted University of Vermontshire Professor of History Dr. Dusty Bookes.

But more than the question, the answer has raised issues about CIS and the federal government’s view of the world.  Of the three choices: the right to vote, the right to bear arms and the right to free speech, CIS mandates that it is the right to vote that is most important to US citizens.  “The right to vote is berry nice, but we also have this in Cuba, and it’s not so effective.  I would much rather have had the right not to be tortured and have my wife raped because I say that Castro is not so nice,” notes recent Cuban immigrant Fidel Betonmé. 

Joseph Kildemov, who immigrated from the Soviet Union 25 years ago agrees.  “We have right to vote in Russia, but is not so useful when only one party.  Plus, no one actually count votes.  Would be better if had right to bear arms to protect family from Stalin’s goons.  Or Kruschev’s goons.  Or Gorbachev’s.  Or even Putin’s.  With him, right to free press should come with antidote.“

Alberto Gonzalez, the first Hispanic Attorney General of the United States, was ousted from his post today.  His Democrat opponents had harrangued the Attorney General for months, claiming he forced 8 U.S. district attorneys out of office for politcal reasons.  “This political victory over a sitting U.S. attorney general is unprecedented,” beamed Senator Chuck Shumer (D-NY).  “We have finally proved that you cannot force a sitting government official out of office for political reasons without paying the consequences–it’s a great political win for the Democratic Party,” he added without a sense of irony.

Asked if the war on terrorism might suffer by the abrupt removal of the Attorney General, Senate Majority “Leader” Harry Reid said he hopes so.  “That would be a wonderful bonus.  In fact, another terrorist attack here in the United States could mean another 10 Democratic seats in the Senate!”

Atlanta Falcons’ star running back, Michael Vick, was arraigned on charges of animal cruelty in Richmond Virginia.  Mr. Vick, who holds the NFL record for most direct snaps to a running back, pleaded not guilty.  The charges stem from the running back’s involvement in an interstate dogfighting league, where dogs who were not vicious enough to fight or who lost fights, would be shot, drowned or electrocuted to death. 

Attorneys for the sad sack of wasted puss claim that the 8 pit bull corpses found on the running back’s property were “being held for a friend.”  At a press conference, the dirtiest bird alleged his innocence and vowed to catch the real killers.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that, following his imminent conviction for brutally torturing defenseless animals, “Mr. Vick will be dealt with by the league.”  Sources close to the Commissioner note that the league is considering increasing its most severe punishment, a lifetime ban from football, to “hanging by the neck until he be dead, dead, dead.”

Robert Floppy Kennedy Jr., heir to the debacle that is the Kennedy clan, has called those skeptical of Global Warming™ traitors.  Really?  I thought it was you liberal pinko commies that are always saying Bush is Hitler, but now you want to arrest me for my beliefs?  Come and get me you fucking pansy.

How many murderers and rapists are there in the Kennedy clan?  Frankly, I’ve lost count.  You’ve got heroic Teddy, the bloated idiot-sadly never gunned down-who has at least Mary Jo Kopechne to his credit.  Lord knows how many dead hookers there are buried in Martha’s Vineyard.  Michael Skakel, convicted murder of Martha Moxley.  Then you have William Kennedy Smith, the sex offender.  Let’s not leave out the pride of House of Representatives from Rhode Island, Patrick Kennedy and his drunk driving escapades.  And of course, there’s the prince of stupidity,who decided to fly, at night, in the fog, without the proper license and killed himself, his wife and her sister.  Certainly a case for criminally negligent homicide if there ever was one.

Not least of all, what about little Bobby’s own escapades with the H-train?  There’s something that is actually against the law–unless you’re a well connected douchebag, then you get community service.  The irony is that that path leads the little man to preach to those who already know how to lead a life without killing someone else.

Shall we delve into the politcal life?  It’s not pretty.  Infidelity is rampant in government to be sure, but no one quite fucks up policy like a Kennedy.  Vietnam, Bay of Pigs, Cuban Missile Crisis, all the product of the Kennedy intellect.  Well done.  In fact, the only thing that saved this pathetic legacy was a marksman from New Orleans.

Bobby, why don’t you clean your own house before commenting on mine.  Dickhead.

231 years ago, a band of farmers, poets and businessmen rebelled against a fat, bloated, distant and corrupt government that usurped the powers of the people, failed to protect its borders, over taxed its citizens and treated them with scorn and disdain.  These brave men threw off the shackles of tyranny and boldly marched down the freshly paved road of liberty.  Well, thanks for trying, boys.

We find ourselves now, in the greatest country in the world, but still burdened by a fat, bloated, distant and corrupt government that usurps our powers, fails to protect our borders, over taxes us and treats us with scorn and disdain.   Not only that, the greedy [censored]s just gave themselves a $4,400 raise.  That’s nearly $100 per IQ point.  Somedays, I see how anarchists may have a point–the only problem with them is the meetings are a nightmare.

America, enjoy your Independence Day.  We have more opportunity per capita here than anywhere in the known universe, but we have a lot more work to do.  Sic semper tyrannis.

The Supreme Court today ruled that a school cannot censor a student’s political speech, even if the form of that speech comes in a drug-glorifying, defamatory, screechy and obscene T-shirt.  Given the amount of liberal proselytizing being done in high schools and colleges around the country, Daily Danet has prepared a suggested list of t-shirts for conservative students to wear, in celebration of the Court’s ruling:

1. Chairman Mao’s Chickens: liberal white meat battered by guilt and fried on narcotics. 
2. If I Wanted Your Opinion, I’d Read Das Kapital. 
3. Communism Killed 100,000,000 People, Now You’re Boring Me to Death.
4. Public Schools: Brainwashing America’s Youth Since 1969.
5. “It’s not what liberals don’t know, it’s just they know so much that isn’t so.”  –R. Reagan.
6. Please Indoctrinate Me With Your Pansy Ass Liberal Ideas.
7. Kennedy’s 1  Kopechne’s 0
8. Future ”Little Eichmann“ 
9. Shut Up and Teach. 
10. Yes, I’m sure the bourgeoisie’s crimes against humanity are legion, but what the f*ck does that have to do with algebra?