Texas Messes with Marshall Islands
By Dan | July 20, 2006 - 1:17 pm - Posted in Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs

The President, only two weeks over 60, has been enjoying a second childhood this week. First, he let it all hang out with British Prime Minister Tony Blair: “Yo! Blair. Them Syrians gotta stop this shit.” Then he tried to give Frau Merkel a back rub. Don’t get me wrong, her massively large conservative policies would make any Republican swoon.

Now, in a bit of Texas bravado, or perhaps to show Kim Jong “Limpodong” Il how it’s done in Texas, he fires a few warning shots at the Marshall Islands. Maybe the Marshall Islands messed with Texas (hat tip JLev).

What scares me about this is that the article seems to have doubted we knew how to do it: “The Air Force successfully launched an unarmed intercontinental ballistic missile early Thursday.” (Emphasis mine). Do people really think the United States is as pathetic as North Korea?

Secretary General, European Leaders Call For Restraint
By Dan | July 19, 2006 - 11:00 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Best Of, Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs, Today in History

Daily Danet Press Real
London, July 19, 1940
Headline: League of Nations, World Leaders Urge Restraint

Joseph Louis Anne Avenol, the Secretary General of the League of Nations, has joined the chorus of European leaders who are urging the British government to show restraint in response to recent incursions by rogue German pilots into British airspace.

Avenol pleaded with British Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, to avoid escalating an already tense situation. Avenol expressed serious concern over the increasing violence in Europe, and called on all sides to show restraint. Avenol said in a statement that any further escalation can have serious and long-term repercussions that would make a peaceful solution for the conflict impossible for the foreseeable future.

Avenol also called on Churchill to consider removing British occupation forces from its colonies in Asia, the Indian subcontinent and North Africa. “One mustn’t provoke these rogue German pilots into attacking,” Avenol said in his statement.

“I did indeed demand an end to the hostilities,” Avenol said after meeting in Paris with Joachim von Ribbentrop, the German foreign policy chief. Mr. von Ribbentrop had just been briefed by his Waffen-SS emissaries that had returned from a fact-finding mission in the region, who assured him that British property was not in grave peril.

Despite the international consensus against action, however, British warplans continue to be discussed in Parliament. Many MP’s are openly calling for war with Germany.

In other world news, Japan has announced another humanitarian mission to mainland China in an effort to relieve the suffering of its Asian brother.

CBSNews — Now with Solvitol
By Dan | July 17, 2006 - 6:56 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Media & Marketing, Taxes

July 32, 2006

CBSNews, in an effort to combat viewer malaise, will begin offering “solutions” to current events. Ms. Couric, the most reliable name in news, announced the program several weeks ago at a publicity stunt in San Francisco: “We heard from many people the news is just too depressing,” she said. “Obviously, we can’t sugar-coat what’s going on, but there are cases where we can be more solution-oriented.”

CBSNews today announced the implementation of a new, web-based program that will allow users to request solutions to common woes, such as the rising tension in the Middle East, the war on terror and the economy. The plan is to have Ms. Couric cover the most requested issues on her daily sugar cast.

CBSNews provided the following examples of it’s Solvitol program:

Economic Issues
Issue: My healthcare rates are too high and I can’t afford my medication.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a new healthcare rates program.

Issue: I’m worried about the spotted owl.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a spotted owl program.

Issue: My taxes are too high and I can’t afford to pay my rent.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a tax rate and rent program.

Issue: I’m worried about global warming.
Solution: The government should raise taxes and create a global warming program.

World Events
Issue: I’m worried about the violence in Israel.
Solution: Israel should treat rebel forces with dignity and respect and stop the occupation of Arab lands.

Issue: I’m worried about the detainees in Cuba.
Solution: The United States should treat rebel forces with dignity and respect and stop the occupation of Arab lands.

National Politics
Issue: I am concerned that the government is too wasteful.
Solution: You should petition your Congresspersons and let them know that you demand accountability and the Congress should demand a recount in Ohio.

Issue: I think government is too detached from the people it governs.
Solution: You should petition your Congresspersons and let them know that you demand accountability and the Congress should demand a recount in Ohio.

Because Daddy Said So
By Dan | July 12, 2006 - 7:05 am - Posted in Government

A mere week after the nation celebrated the 230th birthday of the Declaration of Independence, the Republican controlled House of Representatives has passed a law outlawing internet gambling, including poker and sports betting. Readers may recall that the Declaration of Independence was written in response to a distant, irrational, tax hungry bloated bureaucracy that was unresponsive to the will of the governed.

The motive for the legislation was to aid Americans in battling that horrible, cruel, addictive disease known as “having fun.” Indeed, according to Rep. Bob Goodlatte, (R-Va.) “[i]nternet gambling is a scourge on our society. It causes innumerable problems in our society.”

“People should be working harder to pay for the bloated federal budget, including the new Department of Increased Monitoring of Wagering on the Internet and Telephone Service,” added his colleague Rep. Duncan Badcoffe (Sanctimonicrat-Va.). “DIMWITS are very important to our government–we wouldn’t be able to function without them,” he added. He also added praise for the companion organization, the newly organized Federal Unified Casino, Keno and other Wagering on the Internet Taskforce Service.

Readers who are interested in applying for positions in either agency should contact Rep. Goodlatte at his office in Washington: (202) 225-5431. As with any government position, the applicant must provide proof of IQ (applicants with IQ’s in excess of 80 need not apply) and a letter describing how you intend to belittle and frustrate the American taxpayer.

Now that the House has handled the most challenging issue facing Americans today, they can turn their attention to less pressing items, such as the army of illegal immigrants flowing across our unprotected border, the drunken-Kennedy Congressional spending that they have been promising to eliminate for 10 years and other more trivial issues such as tax reform, social security reform, domestic security and other areas where Congress actually has a Constitutional mandate and/or authority to legislate.

Hollywood and Other Communists
By Dan | July 4, 2006 - 1:43 pm - Posted in Liberals, Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs

Hollywood stars, in staunch support of hero mother (of her late, estranged son, Cassie) Cindy Sheehan’s hunger strike, have announced a “rolling hunger strike.” When asked why no Hollywood star would committ to fasting with Sheehan rather than a one-day “fast” no tougher than a Hollywood Spa Cleansing Diet, Susan Sarrandon, the organizer, quipped, “Let’s not be ridiculous. We have principals, but we’ve got to eat!”

Sean Penn, renowned journalist basher, added a bit of practical perspective, “Man, like I need to lose like weight for a new role anyway.”

In other Hollywood-related news, Communist paradise North Korea test-launched a long-range ballistic missile today. One emmaciated peasant noted proudly, “That’s almost as fulfilling as a full meal.” Hanoi Jane Fonda could not be reached for comment, though we’re sure she’s delighted.

All the News That is Fit to Print, And Then Some
By Dan | July 3, 2006 - 6:56 am - Posted in Best Of, Media & Marketing, Foreign Affairs, Metropolis Today

New York Times
Metropolis, July 3, 2006
Man of Steel or Kansas Farmboy?
The New York Times has learned that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person. Mr. Kent, a reporter for the Daily Planet, has apparently been disguising his identity for the last 10 years or more. He has worked as a reporter for the Daily Planet since 1999, according to records obtained by the New York Times, the same year the Superman first appeared in Metropolis, prior to his 5-year absence. “Superman,” a.k.a. Clark Kent was ostensibly searching for his home-world, without luck.

“In retrospect,” said one fellow reporter who preferred to remain anonymous, “it’s kind of obvious that the two of them disappeared at the same time.”

Shocked and hurt by Superman’s cruel deception, Lois Lane–Clark Kent’s fellow reporter and Superman’s alleged paramour–lashed out. “No comment,” she cried with the rage of a woman scorned in her eyes.

Ms. Lane’s son, Jason, is rumored to be the Superman’s love-child. Dr. Maydjaluke at the Metropolis Scientific Institute says that, if true, the boy will likely eventually posses the same powers as his alleged father, Superman. “That is not to say that he is invulnerable now. It is very likely that he is now between the stages of boy and superboy, as it were. I’m sure a sufficiently sharp object could kill him until he were in his mid-teens.”

The New York Times has also learned that Superman himself is not entirely invulnerable. Apparently radioactive pieces of his home-world, known as Kryptonite, are deadly to him. Dr. Maydjaluke confirmed that, even in small amounts, ingestion and metabolization of kryptonite would probably kill him. “Unlike a simple shiv or a kryptonite bullet, either of which can be removed, ingestion of the kryptonite would probably be irreversible and lead unalterably to his death,” Dr. Maydjaluke said. “So make sure your morning coffee is kryptonite free, Mr. Kent,” added Dr. Maydjaluke.

We caught up with Mr. Kent at the Starbucks at 43rd and Lexington, where he buys his unique triple cappuccino with extra full-fat cream. With guilt trodden eyes and blushing with a sense of remorse, Mr. Kent denied the allegations.

Mr. Kent, a native of Smallville, is still very close with his widowed mother, Martha Kent, who lives at 33614 Prairie Oak Drive, Smallville Kansas, and frequently spends her time alone. Indeed, the nearest neighbor to the Kent farm is certainly outside of earshot and cannot be seen without a telescope. Mr. Kent is said to have been devastated at the loss of his father several years ago and “would have done anything to have him back.”

Mr. Kent denies the charge and his alter ego, Superman, has asked this paper not to publish this report. Although the New York Times understands the need for some personal privacy, we feel the public’s right to know trumps any one (or even two) person’s privacy.

Indeed, the public has already expressed its appreciation for our principled reporting:

Thank you so much for your wonderfully informative article. Can you confirm whether Mrs. Kent keeps any firearms in her home? Also, what are your rates for classifieds–say a full-page ad for oceanside land in Arizona?
-L. Luther, Metropolis

Wonderful story New York Times! I love all the information you provide on a daily basis–can’t get enough of it. Speaking of which, would you know when the next meteorology exhibit showing a sample of kryptonite would be? I would love to see it for myself.
-Dr. M. Fine, whereabouts unknown.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the story! I wonder if you know whether that Starbucks is hiring? Your employment section was mum about it. Cheers!
-Oswald Lumis, Metropolis Penitentiary (temporary address).

Shockingly good reporting! Could Dr. Maydjaluke say whether young Jason Lane is yet impervious to electricity?
-Leslie Willis, Metropolis.

[Grunts]. Me like. Me kill you last.
-Doomsday, Outerspace.