Never Forget
By Dan | June 6, 2008 - 9:26 am - Posted in Best Of, Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes, Today in History

Sixty-four years ago today, nearly one and a half million British, American and Canadian free men risked their lives to rid a continent and the world from Nazi oppression. These were the boys of Point du Hac, Omaha, Juno, Sword, Gold and Utah. These were the boys who jumped, for the first time, from perfectly good airplanes into combat with the most feared military force in history.

These young men had lived through the Great Depression, emerging just in time to see the world being swallowed by two brutally evil forces, spreading across Europe and Asia. They strapped on their boots and marched bravely into the face of an overwhelming, undefeated enemy. Their journey would take them through Normandy, Holland, Bastogne and, eventually, the horrors of Buchenwald and Dachau.

Having defeated Nazism in Europe, they turned, without flinching, to aid their comrades in the Pacific, ridding the world of Japanese imperial aggression. Only when a group of scientists harnessed the power of the atom, were they relieved of duty and able to return home.

On the backs of these heroes, America, and eventually the world, prospered. They took a society that was only one generation from horse-drawn carriages and the Wright Brothers, and they landed a man on the moon. Their contributions to our freedom, our economy and our history will never be forgotten.

Thank You
By Dan | May 26, 2008 - 6:30 am - Posted in Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes, Today in History

These, in the day when heaven was falling,
The hour when earth’s foundations fled,
Followed their mercenary calling,
And took their wages, and are dead.

Their shoulders held the sky suspended;
They stood, and earth’s foundations stay;
What God abandoned, these defended,
And saved the sum of things for pay.

-A.E. Housman

Happy Rick Monday!
By Dan | April 28, 2008 - 10:28 am - Posted in Sports, Today in History

Thirty two years ago this past Saturday, the greatest play in baseball history.

God Bless Rick Monday!

Barack to the Future: Obama Pledges Research Funds for Flux Capacitor
By Dan | March 1, 2008 - 11:53 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Best Of, Foreign Affairs, 9/11, Stars & Stripes, Science, Today in History, Edukashun

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has made his name by promising “change” and to “look forward” on controversial issues like healthcare, Iraq and the economy. Specifically on the global war on terror in Iraq, Senator Obama has criticized Senator McCain’s plan for continuing the surge in Iraq as being “stuck in the past.”  Senator Obama’s plan would be to withdraw all troops, undoing the entire war, and only return if al Qaeda were found in Iraq.  Senator Obama has also noted that he would never have gone to war with Iraq. Critics have claimed that this is not a solution of the current situation, but merely bemoaning the current facts.

Today, Senator Obama clarified the inconsistency. “This campaign has been about change. Changing the way we work in Washington. Changing the way we think as a nation and changing the way the world sees us. Today, I pledge, that as President, I would change the past to bring us a brighter tomorrow.” Senator Obama’s “Change the Past” program includes $4 Trillion for research into a “flux capacitor” and $100,000 for a 1981 DMC-12 De Lorean. “With this technology, which will be built here in America by companies that hire only union workers and pay at least 60% of worker’s healthcare costs, we can change yesterday for a better tomorrow!”

Former Vice President Al Gore has raised issues about the plan, saying that he is “concerned about the carbon footprint of a 1.21 gigaWatt device.”

Senator Obama’s Change the Past platform would also:

  • Unelect president Bush;
  • Destroy the internal combustion machine (regardless of cost) before it begins its long history of polluting the environment;
  • Prevent himself and his wife from going to law school and making all that money; and
  • Ensure Reagan loses/lost to Obama’s personal inspiration, Jimmy Carter.
Democrats Must Answer Questions On Associations
By Dan | February 26, 2008 - 11:44 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Media & Marketing, Today in History

[Dispatches from the future, where the media and “intellectual” bias has been reversed in full]
February 23, 2034

The star-studded Republican presidential field met today with Professor Eric Rudolph, a right of passage for those seeking public office. Dr. Rudolph, Dean of the University of Illinois Law School, is seen as the standard bearer for the party. Jack Rodham, the Republican front-runner, was an intern for the defense and observed Dr. Rudolph’s 2005 political trial. “He’s one of my personal heroes,” noted the charismatic Senator Rodham. “It was a perfect day, the day I bombed the abortion clinic in Birmingham,” Dr. Rudolph said of his Fetus Freedom Fighting days. “I don’t regret setting bombs” and “I feel we didn’t do enough.”

Tomorrow, the Republican candidates, one of whom will likely be the next president, will attend a debate at the Strom Thurmon Segretarium, moderated by Rush Limbaugh Jr., Ronald Reagan III, and former president George W. Bush.

Separately, Democratic presidential front-runner Chelsea Clinton (D-Manitoba), daughter of the disgraced William Jefferson Clinton, has been forced to answer questions about her affiliations to radical Left-Wing groups yet again today. The Fox New York Post Today is reporting that Clinton’s holography site includes mental ad images from “far left wing groups” such as the Teacher’s Union and the ACLU. Mrs. Clinton has denied these claims. This is the third controversy in as many days for Mrs. Clinton, who hopes to also overcome charges she has hired minorities without government approval, as well as another inflammatory charge that she has made private comments questioning supply-side economics.


[If you think this post glorifies abortion bombers, anti-minority sentiments or segregation, you’re reading it wrong.]

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California’ Pro-Minority Birth Rate Bill
By Dan | February 21, 2008 - 10:50 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Government, Today in History, Adoptions

June 16, 2013

California governor Nancy Pelosi signed the Minority Birthrate Equivalence legislation today. The bill, which requires all child-bearing couples to ensure that at least 50% of their offspring belong to “specified groups.” The law, which is retroactive to January, is designed to alleviate the pressure on California companies subject to the Minority Hiring Requirements Law of 2009.

Under the MHRL, all California companies are required to hire at least 50% of their employees from minority or “specified groups.” The specialty groups include racial minorities as well as the 27 “alternative sexual preference” groups. “This has been particularly difficult,” notes Henri Sunnible, professor of Social Quotas at University of California, Berkely. “You have to understand, that, by their nature, minorities represent less than 50% of the population.” Professor

“By encouraging families to have alternative children, and punishing those who do not, we will be ensuring that California companies will have a broad and diverse employee pool in 18-35 years, when these children enter the workforce,” explained Governor Pelosi.

The MHRL followed California’s passage of the Race-based Charity Enforcement Law, which required all charities to be at least 50% controlled by and donate at least 50% of their proceeds to “specialty group” charities.

FAA to Take Over Airline Schedules
By Dan | September 13, 2007 - 6:56 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Business Section, Today in History, Edukashun, Adoptions

September 21, 2008

Following another summer of record delays, the Federal Aviation Administration has taken over scheduling from private airlines.  The idea, originally proposed last September by outgoing Administrator Marion Blakey, has been met with some skepticism, but proponents are hopeful that government intervention will get airline schedules back on track.  “This new proposal,” notes Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), “will put American air-carriers in line with other government-run programs, like Amtrak.”

Air travel expert Dr. Reese Anoble-Mann has doubts about the idea.  “If the government takes over scheduling, it will be yet another area where airline inefficiency is bailed out by the government.  Today, competition among air-carriers is based on on-time travel, price and amenities.”  If you remove one of those points of competition, “you might as well make the airlines themselves a government program.”


August 14, 2009

After nearly one year of government-planned air travel, even the strongest proponents are beginning to have their doubts.  The measure, initially thought to be temporary, has grown in scope and looks more and more like a permanent government agency.  Delays, which were hoped would be eliminated by government intervention, have tripled.  Government officials are said to be meeting in Denver today, though many have had difficulty booking air travel.


September 21, 2010

The Linked Air Travel Efficiency Program, which schedules and routes the three remaining U.S. air-carriers, announced a new “On Time Travel” program.  Under the program, a flight is not technically late unless it arrives at its destination more than 5 hours after its scheduled arrival.  “Under this new plan,” notes FAA Administrator Al Wayes-Tardy, “we hope to reach a 90% on-time rate.”

Critics of the LATE Program note that many flights could arrive after an airport closes and still technically be on time.  Other changes that have been rolled out over the past year include the “15 minute coffee break” for all government employees, which now include air traffic controllers, airport security, pilots, stewardesses and all ground crews.  Gate ticket agents are expected to be added later this month. 

Mr. Wayes-Tardy noted that the policy has been “a stunning success” and dismissed criticism of the mandatory break-time.  Some observers have noted that the ill-fated flight 6734 from Dulles to Detroit would not have crashed had both pilots not taken their mandated breaks during take-off.  “We’re working on an updated auto-pilot to fix those sorts of things,” notes Mr. Wayes-Tardy.

Colorado School Bans Adulthood
By Dan | August 30, 2007 - 1:25 pm - Posted in Politics & Policy, Liberals, Today in History, Edukashun, Adoptions

August 30, 2009

Two years ago, Discovery Canyon School District in Colorado Springs banned the childhood game of tag.  “It caused a lot of conflict on the playground,” notes district superintendent Cindy Ferguson, who was then assistant principal of the elementary school.  “We can’t have that.  Schools are meant to be a place where children are indoctrinated with our beliefs, not where they learn to fend for themselves,” notes Ms. Ferguson.  “We also didn’t like the children touching each other–it could lead to breaking down of social barriers,” proudly noted Ms. Guyded, the current principal of the elementary school.

“Today, Discovery Canyon has taken the unprecedented step of banning adulthood,” Ms. Ferguson noted in an official press release.  “No longer will children need to deal with such harsh concepts as dispute resolution, standing up to bullies or becoming productive members of society,” the press release continues. 

The press release notifies all parents that they are required to bring their children to Discovery Canyon High School Gymnasium where they will be put in cryogenic stasis until all problems are solved and it’s safe for the children to come out.  “We intend to fulfill the promise of our aptly named Discovery Canyon,” concludes the release.

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A Tale of Two Americas
By Dan | August 9, 2007 - 9:49 am - Posted in Politics & Policy, Op Ed, Government, Today in History, Adoptions

August 9, 2017

The United Nations again interceded in the ongoing conflict between the two countries formerly known as the United States.  Secretary General Faye K. Naime called on both the New United States and the Peoples Republic of Californewyork to cease hostilities.  The two countries have been openly hostile towards each other since the breakup and forced relocation of 2009.

“It is fair to say that Californewyork-even the name gives it away-is still upset that the treaty forced all 50 million liberals into California and Oregon,” notes distinguished historian Dr. Howard Ayeno.  The treaty of 2009 provided for the mass relocation of those New Yorkers and other East Coast residents wishing to live under the “progressive utopia” being established on the West Coast.  Those who remained paid for the cost of the relocation, as well as a border wall with Mexico and Californewyork through the New United States 10% flat tax.

“Things went well for both countries for a while,” recalls Dr. Ayeno.  “There were squabbles, of course.  The odd tort claim by the relocated.  But those passed with time.  The liberals had their own paradise and the conservatives and moderates lived in realtively peaceful coexistance.”

Unfortunately, though, there were troubles ahead.  “Enacting universal healthcare was a priority, of course. They still have it, though the only doctors left are the ones who couldn’t get out before the ‘Medical Retention and Re-Education Act of 2012.’”  In all, some 2,500 doctors, mostly plastic surgeons before the law was passed, are listed as missing. 

“Then of course, there was the uprising in the military,” notes Dr. Ayeno with a bit of gloom.  The People’s Army of Californewyork, of course, immediately withdrew from Iraq and Afghanistan and returned to the bases in California.  Upon their return, skirmishes broke out regarding who had the most guilt over their own confessed war crimes.  These skirmishes eventually led to mutinies and the horrible Day of Death.  The government maintains it was a sky diving accident, though one survivor claimed that the mass casualties resulted from one soldier asking another ‘if he wanted to step outside’ in a packed transport flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

Soon thereafter, the economy began to show signs of stress.  “Having only a handful of exports,” notes University of Chicago economist Sean Meade-d’Monet, ”made for a volatile economy.”  When the New United States stopped watching films that attack American values and started growing their own wine in Arizona, the Californewyork economy collapsed.  “You can’t support 50 million slackers on a failing film industry and fermented grapes,” adds Dr. Meade-d’Monet.

“As their society imploded around them, they looked to the East and saw the prosperous society of the New United States.  Banking, manufacturing, medicine.  All the things they thought they were entitled to, and their neighbors had them.”  Not given to fits of revelation or rationality, the government of Californewyork blamed the New United States for sabotaging its economy and quality of life.  The ill-advised and ill-planned invasion was put down by three ranchers in Tucson.  “The ‘army,’ such as it was, had wandered through the desert for over a week after their trucks broke down,” noted winery owner Ray Singrapes.  “We more rescued ‘em than captured ‘em,” he added.

Meanwhile, back in the New United States, the economy, medicine and manufacturing are all booming.  “It’s fantastic not being burdened by a fat bloated idiocracy that was taxing me to death,” adds one shop owner.  “I’ve been able to hire 10 more workers this month and they all get twice what they would get in LA.  Plus, when they’re sick, they can afford to see a real doctor, not some imprisoned boob job doc.”

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Mayor Livingstone Defends Germans
By Dan | July 1, 2007 - 8:34 pm - Posted in Foreign Affairs, Stars & Stripes, Today in History

June 30, 1941

London Mayor Ken Livingstone called on Britons Saturday not to demonize Germans after days of bombing by the Luftwaffe left most of London under piles of rubble and the odor of burning flesh.

At the same time he criticized Britain over its support of the Treaty of Versailles, which he said had fuelled intolerance and lead to poverty, creating a “major problem.”

“In this city, Germans are more likely to be law-abiding than non-Germans and less likely to support the use of violence to achieve political ends than non-Germans,” he told BBC Radio.  “They’re always quite polite and never tire of my long-winded stories about London and the vulnerabilities of its defenses,” he added.

“They have played a good and active and growing role in creating a multi-cultural society,” he added.  “We can put up with a little rabble rousing now and then.”

He noted that acts of war had been carried out in London over the years by various groups including for example anarchists like Guy Fawkes.  “It just might as well have been them yelling ‘auf wiedersehen’ as the bombs fell on London.”