Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton (D-Your State Here) announced a withdrawal of her campaign from New Hampshire.  The announcement comes after a mentally ill Clinton supporter, Reade Undant, entered the office with a bomb strapped to his body and took hostages for several hours.

In a statement to the media, Clinton spokesperson Howard Shetreatirak, noted that “the situation on the ground in New Hampshire is too violent for Clintonista troops at this time.”  Speaking unofficially for the campaign, undocumented sex-offender and disbarred Arkansas attorney Bill Clinton (D-isrobed) noted that he flatly opposed campaigning in New Hampshire from the outset.

Following the November 28 debacle where CNN allowed most of the “audience” questions to come directly from Democratic operatives, CNN has announced a new policy of pre-clearing “audience” questions prior to the debates for both Republican and Democratic candidates.  CNN has publicly expressed regret over the error, but maintains that the slanted, ideologically liberal questions “seemed mainstream to us.”

For the forthcoming Democratic debate sponsored by CNN, democrats will be asked the following questions by audience members:

1. I know that Bush lied to us about Iraq.  But I’m concerned he may be lying to us again about the peace-loving nation of Iran.  Can you tell me about your programs to put families ahead of vicious Republican lies?
2. I am sick and don’t have healthcare.  Unlike those mean Republicans, you have a plan to give me free stuff.  Can you remind me what your plan is?
3. I am an undocumented worker with 12 children and one minimum wage job.  What will you do to end the lies and bring our troops home?
4. I am a homosexual in the military with aging parents who cannot pay for their prescription medication and my same-sex partner has threatened to leave me if we cannot have our love sanctified by the all-knowing, all-powerful government.  What will you do to help me when you become president?
5. Why do Republicans hate babies and puppies so much?  Do you love babies and puppies?

CNN has also approved the following questions for the next Republican debate:

1. Bush lied to get us into Iraq and millions of innocent civilians are killed there everyday.  Why won’t you condemn him and support the American people’s will to have him impeached?
2. We all know rich people are the source of all evil, what will you do to round up all rich Americans and tax them into the poor house.
3. What are your plans for January 2009?  Will you be there when Hillary is sworn in as president? 
4. When will you stop victimizing poor people?
5. As [Governor/Mayor/DA on TV/Senator/Congressman] you supported [currently unpopular topic/person].  Why do you hate America?

Speaker of House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ranged) announced a proposal of compromise over the strategy in Iraq.  For months, Democrats have tried to find middle ground between the wishes of their mouth-breathing, psychotic anti-American lunatic base and the appearance of being tough on terror.  “This legislation,” notes Mrs. Pelosi, “seeks to extend our experience and work ethic in Congress to the military battlefield.  We sincerely hope the President will consider this bill as a way to bring an end to sad new coming from Iraq.”

The bill, which is supported by a majority of Democrats, would grant the Defense Department’s $50 billion war spending request, but would place restrictions on the U.S. Military.  These restrictions are based on the Democrats’ aggressive “100-Hour Plan” and other initiatives as actually performed by the 110th Congress.  The plan includes the following requirements:

• Working Hours: U.S. military personnel will only be allowed to be on duty during the hours of 10 a.m. to 4:15 p.m. Tuesday through Thursday.  Terrorists who attack during any other hours will receive a notice to the effect that “We’re sorry, but the U.S. military is not in session.  Please return during normal business hours.  We apologize for any inconvenience.”
• Tactics:  Rather than using assault rifles to attack terrorists and insurgents, the U.S. military will be required to use misleading statistics, young children and inflamatory anectdotes to guilt terrorists into voting for more liberal policies.
• PayGo™: Similar to Congress’s new Pay as You Go, or PayGo rule, the military will only be allowed to kill or capture and enemy combatant if they can prove that doing so will generate at least one more enemy combatant.

In response to a suit filed by the State of California against the federal government over Global Warming™, the other 49 states have filed counterclaims against California.  The unprecedented counter-suit claims that California, among other things, has mandate nationwide fuel efficiency and emissions requirements through their asinine do-gooder laws, and that these asinine do-gooder laws have raised the price of gasoline and other forms of energy, nationwide.

The suit also alleges that the citizens of California, on balance, have lowered the national average IQ.  California denies all charges.

Clearly the Nigerian scam artists are feeling the pinch of a weak dollar.  I received in my personal email inbox today an email claiming to be from . There were several things that raised my radar about this email:

1. It purported to be a letter from the government saying they owed me money.  Let me say that again, the IRS was, allegedly, voluntarily notifying me that I had overpaid taxes.
2. It had a little notice at the bottom that said (Copyright Internal Revenue Service).  For the record, the federal government does not have copyrights on any work it creates or publishes.  Such work is automatically in the public domain.
3. Did I mention the part about the government owing me money?

Clearly this was a hoax, but I was intrigued.  If you follow the link (which I don’t recommend), it takes you to a hoax page at www.helpachimp.com.  This site is apparently a legitimate site that has been targeted.

 In any event, if you get a message from someone claiming to be the IRS, your best bet is to delete it or contact the IRS through www.irs.gov.

I am, improbably, on jury duty for the next few weeks, so the posts will be even fewer and further between.

I have had some time to update the Newsstand, however:

Didn’t Ask, Wasn’t Told
If it can work for the military, it can work for you!  This one is for the guy or girl that loves living in the dark:

To Serve Man Barbeque Apron
Made for the consummate Twighlight Zone Fan, this lovely barbeque apron is from our Kanamits collection.

 

Plant Food
The first in a long line of “Screw Al Gore” fashion statements.  This lovely faux-environmental design lets people know what Carbon Dioxide really is.

Caution: Government Incompetence At Work
Is your neighborhood or town filled with incomplete projects or tax-payer funded eyesores?  Do you ever wonder why, if polls are open from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m., government offices that are open from 9 to 4:10 are closed on election day?  Let them know how you feel with this lawn sign (also available in magnets and t-shirts for the more subtle protestor).

Following the announcement of his plan to provide official New York drivers licenses to all illegal immigrants (the “Definitve Unified Multiple-Bureau ID Enforcement Act”), New York’s governor Eliot “Steamroller McThug” Spitzer (D-Mon) announced today a new crime initiative that will be effective statewide on January 1, 2008.  Critics have complained that the drivers license plan encourages illegal immigration, is nothing more than pandering to Hispanic voters and enables terrorists to easily obtain a form of ID that can be used anywhere as proof of their false identity.

The new plan will make the following changes to New York law:

Sexual Assault Laws
All convicted sex offenders and known pedophiles will be given government employment in daycare facilities, along with a commemorative t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase “Come with me, I have candy!” in child-friendly lettering.

DUI Laws
Persons convicted of two or more DUI’s will be given official “Repeat Customer” commemorative flasks.  The flasks, which will be pre-filled with the convict’s spirit of choice, are made of stainless steel and fit in most car’s cup holders.

Narcotics Laws
Heroine addicts will be given free needles, surgical tubing, spoons and lighters.  (Cocaine lobbyists were unsuccessful in their bid for government funded “nasal enlargement” surgery.)

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), in projecting large Democrat gains next November, gleefully noted that, “We’re about at the tail end of the Ronald Reagan era, where his ideas — fresh and, even as a Democrat, I’d say, many of them needed at the time — have just lost steam, lost resonance.”  Senator Schumer, referring to the turn-around from the defeatism and economic ruin of the Carter years to the fall of the Soviet Union, expressed pride in his fellow Democrats and hope for the future.

“No longer will America be seen as a shining city on a hill.  I mean, that was nonsense.  We’re no better than Iran or Sudan.  People only come to America because we have high crime and no economic opportunity.  We really don’t have anything to be proud of,” Schumer said.  “Finally,” he added, “we are free from the chains of pride forged by President Reagan and can slink into mediocrity.  That’s our plan as Democrats, and I’m proud to lead the way.”

Schumer also outlined a list of “Reaganisms” that, under a Democratic regime, would not longer hold true:

1. Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
2. I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.
3. The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’ 
4. A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us, pleading for us to keep our rendezvous with destiny; that we will uphold the principles of self-reliance, self-discipline, morality, and, above all, responsible liberty for every individual; that we will become that shining city on a hill.  

These Reaganism will be replaced by the following “Schumerisms” (which will now be recited daily in all school classrooms and re-education centers)

1. Big Government™ shall be responsible for all economic growth, if any, in the United States.
2. Big Government™ shall be the only thing standing between you and harm.  Self Reliance is dead.
3. The nine most terrifying beautiful words in the English language are, ‘The government is providing all of your healthcare coverage.’ 
4. A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us, because we’re to blame for all the world’s troubles.  We’re the scum of the world and taxes are our penance.  

Republicans were quick to point out that they, too had a roll to play in the end of the Reagan Era.  “Look, we all started out in favor of Reagan, but once we gained complete control of the government, we too saw the need for big government to solve all of our problems,” noted Dee Fector (R-INO), a 12-term Republican who first joined the House during President Reagan’s second term.  “If anyone is to take credit for the end of the Reagan Era of pride, self-reliance and limited government, the Republican