Many have rightfully criticized McCain’s June 3rd speech as stiff and awkward. In response, the McCain campaign has hired former Obama speech consultant Yuri Lee Sedthet. The results have been immediate and compelling:

• While visiting the destroyed Back To the Future set at Universal Studios in California, McCain asked “so does the time machine still work?“
• Speaking to a group of fellow veterans, McCain noted, “Many soldiers never came back, and I see some of those men here today.”
• When asked why he felt Californians would not vote for him over Senator Obama, McCain (R-Arizona) replied, “Sen. Obama, I think, is much better known, coming from a nearby state of Hawaii. So it’s not surprising that he would have an advantage in some of those states in the West.”
• Regarding the controversy over Reverend Wright, McCain said “The point I was making was not that Reverend Wright harbors any racial animosity. He doesn’t. But he is a typical black person who, uh, if he sees somebody in the government that he doesn’t know there’s a reaction that’s been been bred into our experiences that don’t go away and that sometimes come out in the wrong way and that’s just the nature of race in our society.”
• In a speech on foreign relations, McCain promised to “work with the President of England on trade issues in the European States.”
• Regarding his efforts to work with Democrats in office, McCain noted that “I’ve worked with members of the Democratic party in 57 states. I haven’t worked with anyone in Alaska or Rhode Island yet.”
• Speaking to a group of Pearl Harbor survivors, McCain, who was born in 1936, noted his connection with that day of infamy, “There was something stirring across the country because of what happened at Pearl Harbor. So Roberta and John S. McCain got together and John McCain Jr. was born. So don’t tell me I don’t have a claim on Pearl Harbor. Don’t tell me I’m not coming home to Pearl Harbor.”

The IRS announced today that it would send letters to 130 million U.S. tax (presumably) payers to make sure these people take advantage of its free money giveaway. At a cost of now $.42 each, that’s almost $55,000,000 in additional government waste to encourage people who are too stupid or out of touch to file for a rebate. That is, of course, in addition to the $55 million it will spend to send the checks totalling $168 billion to those, confessedly, idiotic taxpayers.

Is it just me, or is there something terribly wrong here? I, of course, am too wealthy to qualify for these rebates. As one of those “fat cats who don’t pay taxes,” last year I paid over $90,000 in taxes last year (not including sales taxes, telecommunications excise, you-don’t-pay-enough-so-we’ll-charge-you-more taxes (state and federal) and countless indirect taxes on luxury items, like milk and gasoline). In fact, I’m so wealthy that they made a special “alternative” tax just for me.

All of this wealth, and yet my wife and I have one car, can’t afford to buy a house and still have over $100,000 in consumer and student loan debt. It’s great to be wealthy, I just wish it didn’t cost so much.

Of course, there are people who are less fortunate. People like George and Martha Doughn-Reade, who make less income than me, yet still decided to take out an interest only adjustable rate mortage to buy a house they couldn’t possibly afford. It doesn’t take a high-priced Manhattan lawyer to tell you that your payments after the interest-only period will nearly double, or worse.

Now that they’re in trouble, the government also wants me to step in and bail them out. So I’m paying for some schmuck to live in a house that I can’t even afford. To make things worse, the fact that this guy won’t be forced to sell his house means the inflated housing market will stay inflated that much longer. And to top it all off, even the government doesn’t think Mr. and Mrs. Doughn-Reade are smart enough to know there’s a rebate waiting for them. Must be an election year.

Now, the purpose of these rebates is to stimulate the economy. How, exactly, is someone who doesn’t know that an interest-only ARM is a bad idea, going to stimulate the economy with $600 in their pocket? Not to mention that this is a person who, according to the IRS, still doesn’t know that he or she qualifies for that rebate?

If you really want to stimulate the economy, (1) stop robbing people who are making a good living and (2) take your $168 billion and give it to small businesses, who are the heart and soul of the American economy. Of course, what do I know? I’m just one of the “top ten percent” who don’t pay any real taxes.

June 16, 2013

California governor Nancy Pelosi signed the Minority Birthrate Equivalence legislation today. The bill, which requires all child-bearing couples to ensure that at least 50% of their offspring belong to “specified groups.” The law, which is retroactive to January, is designed to alleviate the pressure on California companies subject to the Minority Hiring Requirements Law of 2009.

Under the MHRL, all California companies are required to hire at least 50% of their employees from minority or “specified groups.” The specialty groups include racial minorities as well as the 27 “alternative sexual preference” groups. “This has been particularly difficult,” notes Henri Sunnible, professor of Social Quotas at University of California, Berkely. “You have to understand, that, by their nature, minorities represent less than 50% of the population.” Professor

“By encouraging families to have alternative children, and punishing those who do not, we will be ensuring that California companies will have a broad and diverse employee pool in 18-35 years, when these children enter the workforce,” explained Governor Pelosi.

The MHRL followed California’s passage of the Race-based Charity Enforcement Law, which required all charities to be at least 50% controlled by and donate at least 50% of their proceeds to “specialty group” charities.

October 10, 2011
The Clinton administration, in an effort to the “Health Insurance for All” program, is looking into the criminalization of poverty.  “Garnishment of wages is just not working, and we still have a significant number of uninsured in this country,” noted one administration official. 

The Department of Garnishment Redistribution and Administration of Benefits has noted that many workers are simply not cooperating with the mandatory insurance enrollment program.  “If people aren’t going to cooperate by earning enough money, we’re going to have to get more aggressive,” noted Hahn Dowt, a GRAB administrator.  “I think there are a number of mechanisms that are possible, including arresting those who refuse to make enough money to pay for their own healthcare.”

January 24, 2008
Microsoft founder Bill Gates today announced a project to “fix” capitalism, so that it better servers poor and developing nations.  The project, tentatively titled the “Modified System for Distribution Of Services”, will be unveiled in 6 months.  “This project will bring wealth to the masses in the same way that Microsoft brought computer technology to the masses,” noted Mr. Gates in Davos….

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March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….

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October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…

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March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…

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January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.

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October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.” 

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

The Sudanese, calling in the name of the peaceful religion of Islam, for the death of a British school teacher who allowed her students to name the class teddy bear Mohammad, were further angered today by a pardon, issued by the President of Sudan.

“Islam is a peaceful religion,” noted one rioter, “but name a small, harmless bear after the Prophet and the only punishment is death.”  Religious scholar and militant anti-infidel  Vikra Zebuggers agrees.  “It is right there in the Koran after ‘Family Fun with Beheadings’,  just before the chapter on flogging rape victims.”

Other rioters were not so deferential.  “Anyone who names a teddy bear Mohammad , or allows school children to name their teddy bear Mohammad,” screamed one rioter, “in the name of the peaceful religion of Allah, should be beheaded.”  A nearby rioter agreed, “even the school children should be beheaded.  In fact,” she added, “I should be beheaded for even hearing about it.”

In pardoning the British schoolteacher, President Omar Hassan al-Bashir noted that “we cannot allow this controversy to distract us from our genocidal plans in Darfur.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), in projecting large Democrat gains next November, gleefully noted that, “We’re about at the tail end of the Ronald Reagan era, where his ideas — fresh and, even as a Democrat, I’d say, many of them needed at the time — have just lost steam, lost resonance.”  Senator Schumer, referring to the turn-around from the defeatism and economic ruin of the Carter years to the fall of the Soviet Union, expressed pride in his fellow Democrats and hope for the future.

“No longer will America be seen as a shining city on a hill.  I mean, that was nonsense.  We’re no better than Iran or Sudan.  People only come to America because we have high crime and no economic opportunity.  We really don’t have anything to be proud of,” Schumer said.  “Finally,” he added, “we are free from the chains of pride forged by President Reagan and can slink into mediocrity.  That’s our plan as Democrats, and I’m proud to lead the way.”

Schumer also outlined a list of “Reaganisms” that, under a Democratic regime, would not longer hold true:

1. Entrepreneurs and their small enterprises are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.
2. I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.
3. The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’ 
4. A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us, pleading for us to keep our rendezvous with destiny; that we will uphold the principles of self-reliance, self-discipline, morality, and, above all, responsible liberty for every individual; that we will become that shining city on a hill.  

These Reaganism will be replaced by the following “Schumerisms” (which will now be recited daily in all school classrooms and re-education centers)

1. Big Government™ shall be responsible for all economic growth, if any, in the United States.
2. Big Government™ shall be the only thing standing between you and harm.  Self Reliance is dead.
3. The nine most terrifying beautiful words in the English language are, ‘The government is providing all of your healthcare coverage.’ 
4. A troubled and afflicted mankind looks to us, because we’re to blame for all the world’s troubles.  We’re the scum of the world and taxes are our penance.  

Republicans were quick to point out that they, too had a roll to play in the end of the Reagan Era.  “Look, we all started out in favor of Reagan, but once we gained complete control of the government, we too saw the need for big government to solve all of our problems,” noted Dee Fector (R-INO), a 12-term Republican who first joined the House during President Reagan’s second term.  “If anyone is to take credit for the end of the Reagan Era of pride, self-reliance and limited government, the Republican

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer (NYSE: PFE) announced a 77% decline in earnings do to the discontinuation of its inhaled-insulin product, Exubera.  In an effort to bolster the company’s stock, Pfizer’s research and development division has announced the start of product trials on several new drugs:

• Pink Slipitor: A new drug for use by Pfizer employees that makes layoffs unnecessary.  The drugs high mortality rate (98%) is seen as a drawback for employee morale, but, according to financial estimates, the savings in Pfizer’s pension and medical costs will outweigh those effects.
• Selloft: A new anti-depressant that targets the financial risk processing regions of the brain, prevent the sale of Pfizer stock.
• PFEagra(pronounced (FI-AG-RA): A new drug to combat “earnings dysfunction” or “ED” in pharmaceutical stocks.  The drug works by inflating analysts’ estimates of future performance, but comes with a warning regarding “stock elevations lasting longer than four hours.”

The Bush Administration today announced another shake up of the U.S. “intelligence” community following an embarrassing leak that tipped of al Qaeda to U.S. surveillance capabilities.  “It is obvious that the Central Intelligence Agency and the broader intelligence community has its own agenda and cannot control its personnel,” noted President Bush at a White House press conference earlier today.  “The CIA, and the other 15 intelligence gathering agencies that gather information on the global war on terror, will be disbanded and reorganized, effective immediately.”

The President has proposed a “bi-partisan” intelligence gathering community that, in place of the Central Intelligence Agency, would create a “Right Intelligence Agency” and a “Left Intelligence Agency.”  The RIA would be responsible for tracking terrorists, providing actionable intelligence to military and other assets and predicting and preventing future attacks.  The Left Intelligence Agency will be responsible for leaking sensitive material to the press, undermining U.S. interests and attacking the RIA.   House and Senate Democrats are already considering an appropriations bill that would provide the LIA with an annual budget of $500 billion and the RIA with $20 and bus fare home.

Separately, the ACLU has announced it is investigating charges related to the press leak.  “We are concerned,” notes ACLU spokeshippie Summer Gnottat-Albright “that al Qaeda’s privacy was violated in this instance.  The government has no right to spy on people, regardless of their intentions.”

The International Brotherhood of Satrists and Wiseasses announced a class action law suit against the Dean of Columbia University today.  The lawsuit centers around a statment made by John Coatsworth, dean of the School of International and Public Affairs, when speaking to FoxNews.  Dean Coatsworth claimed that “if Hitler wanted to debate and wanted to be challenged by Columbia students and faculty, we would certainly invite him.”

“This is a clear case of tortious interference,” noted plaintiff’s lead counsel, Sue Demahl.  “Our clients, as a class, were set to run a series of parodies around Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia.  There were going to be pieces about Hitler speaking in 1944; about Columbia students kidnapping the Iranian delegation as Iranian helicopters got bogged down in Ontario.  Even a ‘Pol Pot Luck Lunch’ piece.  Hillarity would have ensued.” 

But, claims Ms. Demahl, “John Coatsworth has made those parodies unfunny.  His admission that Columbia would have actually invited Hitler to speak, steals the wind from my clients sails.  He should pay for that tortious conduct.”