If this is not the height of government stupidity, I fear what that might look like. The city of Washington D.C. (which, you’ll recall, is federal property overseen by the United States Congress) bought 3 electric streetcars three years ago for a total price of $10,000,000. Why? no on really knows, as the city does not have the overhead power lines needed to run the cars, nor does it have a plan to build them. So the streetcars remain in a factory in the Czech Republic, presumably where the person who bribed the incompetent idiot in D.C. works.

Your tax dollars at work.

April 14, 2010

In an effort to alleviate decreasing consumer confidence and skyrocketing food and energy costs, President Obama announced a broad tax relief package today. The plan, which is modeled after President Obama’s anti-foreclosure plan, allows federal judges to reduce the tax burdens of those who cannot afford the fat, bloated government they purchased.

“Just like the economic recovery plan I proposed when running for president,” noted President Obama, “this plan allows for an ex post facto repricing. If a taxpayer is having trouble paying for the enormous bloated bureaucracy they bought when they elected me and my fellow Democrats, they can declare bankruptcy and a federal judge will be empowered to adjust their tax burden.”

Critics of the plan note that it will create what one Senator calls “a reverse ponzi scheme.” At first, the lower middle class will begin to file bankruptcy, “which will increase the burden on those left paying taxes, causing them to file for lower taxes. Eventually, you won’t have anyone left to pay taxes except George Soros, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore.”

President Obama dismissed these claims as unhopeful, saying “I find your lack of hope disturbing.” John Sweeney, the new Secretary of the Treasury, noted that the plan would be “as, if not more successful as the anti-foreclosure rule.” The Treasury department reported that exactly zero home foreclosures have occurred since last month, down from 25 the previous month.

“We have not seen the ‘dramatic’ increase in interest rates predicted by the so called ‘experts,’” noted Secretary Sweeney. The nationwide average interest rate on a 30 year mortgage remains steady at 24%.

I’ve been off for a week, in the words of a liberal friend, “gleefully” enjoying the Spitzer ordeal.  I try not to take joy from the misery of others, but in Eliot Spitzer’s case I will make an exception.  Mr. Sptizer built his career on overzealous prosecution.  he used tactics more fit for totalitarian states, personally threatening those who had the audacity to challenge him or his politically motivated prosecutions.  His holier than thou attitude should never be condoned in government service, but because he attacked those evil corporations, the media “gleefully” allowed it to pass without challenge.

The fact that Mr. Spitzer’s downfall involved prostitution comes as a surprise.  In fact, it demeans the oldest profession.  As part of the libertarian wing of the Republican party, I have no moral conviction against prostitution.  It is illegal, but as Michael Barone points out, not really illegal.  It is only illegal around election time when politicians need to justify their over inflated budgets.  Anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes on Craigslist knows how to get hold of a prostitute.  If it were really illegal, why is it so easy to find?  Of course, sometimes the best you can do is charge Capone with tax evasion.

As for Mrs. Spitzer and her children, I have nothing but the greatest of sympathy for them.  I would assume that they feel more betrayed than anyone, though the NY Times has reported that Mrs. Spitzer encouraged her husband to stay governor.  That is a curious bit of trivia as most people in her shoes would be perfecting their Lorena Bobbit impression, not engaging in career counseling.

Also interesting is the fact that it was the New York Times that broke the story in the first place.  Is it completely coincidental that this exposé comes only a few weeks after a botched hit job on Mr. McCain?  As one commentator noted, Republicans must beware the ides of March.  Surely the media will not let a Democratic scandal go without a Republican one of equal or greater value.  In fact, most mainstream media are not even mentioning the fact that Mr. Spitzer is a Demorcat, or even a Hillary supporter.  (In fact, one news agency even called him a Republican).  This labelling campaign is one of the most subtle and damaging forms of media bias.  If you listen carefully, you will notice that only Republicans and “independents” do bad things in the media.

The irony in this case is, just by itself, delightful.  Apparently, Mr. Spitzer had created shell bank accounts and had been making large cash deposits and withdrawals.  That raised suspicions with his bank, who filed suspicious activity reports with the IRS and FBI, as required by laws that, ironically, Mr. Spitzer championed.  Following his lead, though with far less fanfare, federal prosecutors followed the money all the way to Kristen.   There are two important differences between the prosecutors who brought down Mr. Spitzer and the former governor himself: (1) they didn’t need a media smear campaign to coerce a confession; and (2) their criminal charges will stick.

As I said, I don’t believe prostitution should be illegal.  I don’t believe anyone should go to jail for what is really a moral issue and a victimless crime.  But, in Mr. Spitzer’s case, we should make an exception.  He built his career on prosecuting businessmen for practices that were not only legal (as evidenced by his stunning 0-fer conviction record), but also commonplace.  Mr. Spitzer should be made to live up to his own standards.  Especially after the unremorseful speech he gave.  Al qeada operatives have appeared more contrite.

Finally, I can’t let this go without repeating a the funiest Spitzer comment I’ve heard.  As you probably have heard, Spitzer allegedly asks his prostitutes to “do something that most people might not think is safe.”  As one Fark commentator put it, “yeah baby, run an under-capitalized hedge fund for me!”  Alas, Spitzer is revealed to the world for what he is, a bad joke that you need a law degree to fully appreciate.

The IRS announced today that it would send letters to 130 million U.S. tax (presumably) payers to make sure these people take advantage of its free money giveaway. At a cost of now $.42 each, that’s almost $55,000,000 in additional government waste to encourage people who are too stupid or out of touch to file for a rebate. That is, of course, in addition to the $55 million it will spend to send the checks totalling $168 billion to those, confessedly, idiotic taxpayers.

Is it just me, or is there something terribly wrong here? I, of course, am too wealthy to qualify for these rebates. As one of those “fat cats who don’t pay taxes,” last year I paid over $90,000 in taxes last year (not including sales taxes, telecommunications excise, you-don’t-pay-enough-so-we’ll-charge-you-more taxes (state and federal) and countless indirect taxes on luxury items, like milk and gasoline). In fact, I’m so wealthy that they made a special “alternative” tax just for me.

All of this wealth, and yet my wife and I have one car, can’t afford to buy a house and still have over $100,000 in consumer and student loan debt. It’s great to be wealthy, I just wish it didn’t cost so much.

Of course, there are people who are less fortunate. People like George and Martha Doughn-Reade, who make less income than me, yet still decided to take out an interest only adjustable rate mortage to buy a house they couldn’t possibly afford. It doesn’t take a high-priced Manhattan lawyer to tell you that your payments after the interest-only period will nearly double, or worse.

Now that they’re in trouble, the government also wants me to step in and bail them out. So I’m paying for some schmuck to live in a house that I can’t even afford. To make things worse, the fact that this guy won’t be forced to sell his house means the inflated housing market will stay inflated that much longer. And to top it all off, even the government doesn’t think Mr. and Mrs. Doughn-Reade are smart enough to know there’s a rebate waiting for them. Must be an election year.

Now, the purpose of these rebates is to stimulate the economy. How, exactly, is someone who doesn’t know that an interest-only ARM is a bad idea, going to stimulate the economy with $600 in their pocket? Not to mention that this is a person who, according to the IRS, still doesn’t know that he or she qualifies for that rebate?

If you really want to stimulate the economy, (1) stop robbing people who are making a good living and (2) take your $168 billion and give it to small businesses, who are the heart and soul of the American economy. Of course, what do I know? I’m just one of the “top ten percent” who don’t pay any real taxes.

June 16, 2013

California governor Nancy Pelosi signed the Minority Birthrate Equivalence legislation today. The bill, which requires all child-bearing couples to ensure that at least 50% of their offspring belong to “specified groups.” The law, which is retroactive to January, is designed to alleviate the pressure on California companies subject to the Minority Hiring Requirements Law of 2009.

Under the MHRL, all California companies are required to hire at least 50% of their employees from minority or “specified groups.” The specialty groups include racial minorities as well as the 27 “alternative sexual preference” groups. “This has been particularly difficult,” notes Henri Sunnible, professor of Social Quotas at University of California, Berkely. “You have to understand, that, by their nature, minorities represent less than 50% of the population.” Professor

“By encouraging families to have alternative children, and punishing those who do not, we will be ensuring that California companies will have a broad and diverse employee pool in 18-35 years, when these children enter the workforce,” explained Governor Pelosi.

The MHRL followed California’s passage of the Race-based Charity Enforcement Law, which required all charities to be at least 50% controlled by and donate at least 50% of their proceeds to “specialty group” charities.

October 10, 2011
The Clinton administration, in an effort to the “Health Insurance for All” program, is looking into the criminalization of poverty.  “Garnishment of wages is just not working, and we still have a significant number of uninsured in this country,” noted one administration official. 

The Department of Garnishment Redistribution and Administration of Benefits has noted that many workers are simply not cooperating with the mandatory insurance enrollment program.  “If people aren’t going to cooperate by earning enough money, we’re going to have to get more aggressive,” noted Hahn Dowt, a GRAB administrator.  “I think there are a number of mechanisms that are possible, including arresting those who refuse to make enough money to pay for their own healthcare.”

January 24, 2008
Microsoft founder Bill Gates today announced a project to “fix” capitalism, so that it better servers poor and developing nations.  The project, tentatively titled the “Modified System for Distribution Of Services”, will be unveiled in 6 months.  “This project will bring wealth to the masses in the same way that Microsoft brought computer technology to the masses,” noted Mr. Gates in Davos….

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March 4, 2009
After several delays, the Bill Gates capitalism project has finally been launched.  The system, now called Capitalism 2.0, was unveiled at a ceremony in Redmond, Washington.  The system will be adopted by Kenya, Tanzania, Burundi and Rawanda as a new form of government and economic regulations.  Several other developing nations are taking a wait and see approach.  Mr. Gates, in a planned mock-up demonstration of the system, was able to sustain a 12% growth rate and unemployment below 2%.  Critics are concerned….

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October 28, 2009
Tribal conflict continues to plague central Africa as the Microsoft economy struggles to take root.  “We’re still experiencing some minor system bugs,” notes one Microsoft delegate to Burundi.  “The beta testing didn’t uncover as many problems as we had hoped,” noted Mr. Gates from Redmond, Washington, “and the Payola Virus has corrupted the system in Rawanda.”  Nonetheless, Mr. Gates hopes that Capitalism 2.1 will resolve most of these issues…

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March 4, 2010
After a full year of Capitalism 2.0, most of central Africa remains marred by fighting.  Microsoft, however, has announced plans for a new, more user-friendly version of its government and economic system.  The system, tenatively titled the “Worldwide Integration of Networks for the Distribution of Ownership, Weath and Services”, will be launched in the third quarter.  Despite setbacks with Capitalism 2.0, many are excited about the new project.  “It would be too costly to switch governing systems now.  It’s what we’re used to,” says Kenyan President Owatu Du-aboudis…

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January 4, 2012
The European Union announced today the adoption of Microsoft’s new WINDOWS 3.5 Government, Economy & Home, governing system.  The announcement comes on the heals of the copyright infringement suit between Microsoft and the estate of Karl Marx.  The estate had claimed WINDOWS had the “look and feel” of communism.  Microsoft denied the claim, but settled the suit for an undisclosed amount.

“WINDOWS 3.5 will revolutionize the European economy,” noted EU President Jacque Enau.  Critics are concerned about several bugs that remain from Capitalism 2.1, but Microsoft is dismissive of those charges.  “It’s a completely different operating system.  It’s not like we just slapped a new name on the same piece of code like lipstick on a pig,” retorted Mr. Gates from his heavily guarded compound in an undisclosed, tropical location.

Critics were not so enthusiastic.  “Capitalism 2.1 was not the panacea that Mr. Gates makes it out to be,” noted one critic.  While Capitalism 2.1 had flaws, many cite its ease of use and the cost of switching to a competing system as reasons for sticking to it.  The central African Zone of Devastation “was merely an extended beta test of the governing system,” notes Mr. Gates.  The ZOD remains closed to all non-military personnel until radiation levels drop to survivable levels in 2043.

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October 17, 2012

Nostradamus and the Incas both predicted that 2012 would be the end of civilization as we know it.  Today, with the announcement of Microsoft’s new and improved government operating system, both ancients are proven wrong.  “The Virtual Integration of Services, Technology and Agribusinesswill revitalize the work camps of Europe and North America,” noted a spokesperson for Emperor Gates.  “Many of the bugs have been fixed, though we’re still working on the Food Distribution Digitial Library.  For some reason the reconstituted protein tastes like vomit.  We’re hopeful to have a fix in 6-12 months,” notes one Microsoft Government Engineer.  “In the meantime, everyone will have to use the Dried Maggot Larva Patch until the protein generators are back on line.” 

Critics continue to draw sharp contrasts between the “failing Microsoft economies” and the “thriving” colonies on the Moon and Mars, which run on Steve Jobs’s Mankind Accesnsion Council governing system.  “Sure, we have less say in how the government is run,” notes one colonist, “but at least it runs.”  Some even point to the lesser known, open source development government, or the Linked Integration of Networks, Utilities and Common Kernel Support.  Although the LINUCKS colony is thriving on Neptune and Alpha Centauri Four, colonists spend much of their day rewriting laws and regulations to streamline government.

Here is the answer I would love to hear from a Republican candidate on immigration:

You’ve asked what would I do to fix the illegal immigration problem.  Here’s my answer: not a whole hell of a lot.  In the first instance, this is not a major issue.  It’s difficult.  It’s tricky.  It’s emotional, and if you’re really honest, at least a little bit of it is racist.  But none of that has anything to do with my lack of a plan.

If you focus on any issue, if you listen to the hype, it will overwhelm you.  Global Warming, population growth, education, healthcare, all of these issues have serious consequences and need to be considered in due course.  But none of these issues, taken separately or together compares to the major issues facing us.

Here it is folks, plain and simple.  The next president of the United States will not have the luxury of pondering the ticking time bomb scenario.  It will be real.  In the next four or five years, there will be someone, a nation, a crazy loner or an organized group of murderous zealots, who will have a bomb.  Maybe it will be a nuclear weapon.  Maybe it will be a biological or chemical weapon, but it will be deadly.  It’s coming, and worrying about schools and draining the infrastructure and 12 million illegal aliens is not gonna stop it. 

After the war on terror, we need to worry about our economy and rising cost of living, not just healthcare.  Whether your ancestor came here on the Mayflower, walked across the Bearing Strait or snuck across the border in the dark of night, you’re being taxed to death, and sometimes beyond.  Government, and life in general, is becoming too impersonal.  It is too easy for bureaucrats in Washington to lose sight of what matters to real Americans.  Government programs are nice, but so is keeping a living wage for yourself.  A government that takes from Peter to give to Paul will soon find more Pauls and fewer Peters.  When the war is won, we will need to settle our accounts properly.

My plan on immigration is to keep enforcing the laws as best we can.  I would love to have the luxury of designing a broad immigration plan that everyone can agree on.  That treats all immigrants with human descency and acknowledges the vital role they play in our daily lives.  I don’t have that luxury though.  I’m not Lou Dobbs pontificating from a cozy studio.  I’m running for president.

Good government is about making hard choices.  Right now, our choices are made for us.  We are at war.  The enemy is smart.  The enemy is well-supplied and he’s coming for us.  The next president will need to focus as much effort as humanly possible on erradicating terrorism before it does the same to us and our way of life.  I would only do what was necessary to prevent that crazy bastard with a bomb from sneaking in and killing thousands or millions of Americans.  The first duty of the sovereign is to protect the people.  Everything else will have to wait.

Speaker of House Nancy Pelosi (D-Ranged) announced a proposal of compromise over the strategy in Iraq.  For months, Democrats have tried to find middle ground between the wishes of their mouth-breathing, psychotic anti-American lunatic base and the appearance of being tough on terror.  “This legislation,” notes Mrs. Pelosi, “seeks to extend our experience and work ethic in Congress to the military battlefield.  We sincerely hope the President will consider this bill as a way to bring an end to sad new coming from Iraq.”

The bill, which is supported by a majority of Democrats, would grant the Defense Department’s $50 billion war spending request, but would place restrictions on the U.S. Military.  These restrictions are based on the Democrats’ aggressive “100-Hour Plan” and other initiatives as actually performed by the 110th Congress.  The plan includes the following requirements:

• Working Hours: U.S. military personnel will only be allowed to be on duty during the hours of 10 a.m. to 4:15 p.m. Tuesday through Thursday.  Terrorists who attack during any other hours will receive a notice to the effect that “We’re sorry, but the U.S. military is not in session.  Please return during normal business hours.  We apologize for any inconvenience.”
• Tactics:  Rather than using assault rifles to attack terrorists and insurgents, the U.S. military will be required to use misleading statistics, young children and inflamatory anectdotes to guilt terrorists into voting for more liberal policies.
• PayGo™: Similar to Congress’s new Pay as You Go, or PayGo rule, the military will only be allowed to kill or capture and enemy combatant if they can prove that doing so will generate at least one more enemy combatant.

In response to a suit filed by the State of California against the federal government over Global Warming™, the other 49 states have filed counterclaims against California.  The unprecedented counter-suit claims that California, among other things, has mandate nationwide fuel efficiency and emissions requirements through their asinine do-gooder laws, and that these asinine do-gooder laws have raised the price of gasoline and other forms of energy, nationwide.

The suit also alleges that the citizens of California, on balance, have lowered the national average IQ.  California denies all charges.