August 30, 2009

Two years ago, Discovery Canyon School District in Colorado Springs banned the childhood game of tag.  “It caused a lot of conflict on the playground,” notes district superintendent Cindy Ferguson, who was then assistant principal of the elementary school.  “We can’t have that.  Schools are meant to be a place where children are indoctrinated with our beliefs, not where they learn to fend for themselves,” notes Ms. Ferguson.  “We also didn’t like the children touching each other–it could lead to breaking down of social barriers,” proudly noted Ms. Guyded, the current principal of the elementary school.

“Today, Discovery Canyon has taken the unprecedented step of banning adulthood,” Ms. Ferguson noted in an official press release.  “No longer will children need to deal with such harsh concepts as dispute resolution, standing up to bullies or becoming productive members of society,” the press release continues. 

The press release notifies all parents that they are required to bring their children to Discovery Canyon High School Gymnasium where they will be put in cryogenic stasis until all problems are solved and it’s safe for the children to come out.  “We intend to fulfill the promise of our aptly named Discovery Canyon,” concludes the release.

Senator Barrack Obama, after facing severe criticism for his foreign policy snafus has focused in recent days instead on his domestic agenda.  The freshman senator announced yesterday that he has selected an adviser to develop his vision for American education. 

“Lauren Caitlin Upton has shown the same eloquence and passion for reasoned debate as I have.  And her audicity of hope is greater than that of others,” noted Senator Obama.  In addition to representing the great state of South Carolina (8 electoral votes) in the Miss Teen USA pageant, Ms. Upton has “demonstrated a firm grasp of Senator Obama’s platform,” noted one insider.

Political commentators noted that Ms. Upton fits in well with the campaign.  “She’s pretty, she’s got charisma and she can say nothing better than anyone-she’s just like Obama,” noted one commentator.  Mrs. Clinton’s campaign had no official comment, though one source noted “you should expect to see more of Hillary’s cleavage-yeeach.”

Alberto Gonzalez, the first Hispanic Attorney General of the United States, was ousted from his post today.  His Democrat opponents had harrangued the Attorney General for months, claiming he forced 8 U.S. district attorneys out of office for politcal reasons.  “This political victory over a sitting U.S. attorney general is unprecedented,” beamed Senator Chuck Shumer (D-NY).  “We have finally proved that you cannot force a sitting government official out of office for political reasons without paying the consequences–it’s a great political win for the Democratic Party,” he added without a sense of irony.

Asked if the war on terrorism might suffer by the abrupt removal of the Attorney General, Senate Majority “Leader” Harry Reid said he hopes so.  “That would be a wonderful bonus.  In fact, another terrorist attack here in the United States could mean another 10 Democratic seats in the Senate!”

Ordinarily, I don’t bother responding to comments.  This isn’t a bulletin board and I have a lot more control over what gets posted, so it’s not fair to engage in a back and forth.  (I also do not moderate posts unless they are spam, which is handled automatically).  But Ira Leinmann’s post is a wonderful opportunity to expose just how pathetically ignorant, prejudiced and hypocritical many liberals are.

I won’t bother to reply to his rant about how important liberals have been to society.  The blog speaks for itself on that point.  But the really interesting thing about Mr. Leinmann’s post are the pandering assumptions he makes about me.  Because of my job and the fact I’m surrounded by liberals who, like Mr. Leinmann, would not tolerate my ideology if they knew of it, I have taken steps to make this blog anonymous.  (Indeed, they would not even sit at a table with me, if they knew my ideology–would you mr. Leinmann?)  There is nothing on Daily Danet that reveals where I was born, how wealthy I grew up or am now, whether I am White, Black, Hispanic, or Jewish.  Whether I am old or young.  In essence, I am a perfect Rorschach test for the poor liberals who stumble upon the site.   All he knows about me are my political beliefs.

So let’s peer into poor Mr. Leinmann’s subconscious and see what he really thinks about people who disagree with him.  To Mr. Leinmann, because I’m Republican/Conservative/Libertarian (for the record, I’m closest to a Lockean Conservative), I must therefore be:

• Anti-[S]emitic (notice how I capitalize the S);
• I am “in a career where I make money off the backs of the working class”;
• I am a member of the “old boy network”;
• I was born with “a silver spoon in my white male mouth” (that one says it all, doesn’t it?); and
• I am unable to “sit at a table with those I so abhor.”

Mr. Leinmann would have a heart attack if he new I were a Black woman who grew up in the (thanks to a century of Democrats) segregated community of Titusville Alabama, or was it South Carolina?  Fortunately for Mr. Leinmann’s cardiac condition, I am not Condi Rice or La Shawn Barber (or millions of others) who rose in society despite his pandering bigotry of low expectations.

As for the anti-Semitism, I could be Jewish.  Benjamin Disraeli is one of my heroes and-though you wouldn’t have known it from this site before-I did grow up on Long Island and I am a lawyer in Manhattan.  But no, despite overwhelming odds, I am not Jewish either.  As to the reflexive charge of anti-Semitism, anecdotal evidence can’t disprove such a slanderous charge, so please make it again, in public so I can sue you for libel and prove it in court. 

As it happens, I am Catholic, and belong to the left-over race of “white.”  Unfortunately for Mr. Leinmann’s psyche, however, I am not a part of the Good ‘Ol Boy network.  I am the third generation of my mother’s family to live in America.  My maternal grandmother was born in Italy and my grandfather was Welsh (hardly accepted as the ruling class anywhere in the world).  My father’s family has been here since the potato famine-the Highlands one in the 1860’s.  (Had we fought in the Civil War, we undoubtedly would have been on the side of the North, having just arrived at Ellis like every other second class citizen).

Of course, to say that I’m merely Italian, Welsh and Scottish would be incorrect.  There’s Irish in there, as well as German and Swiss.  If I have children, they will also be part Indian as my father-in-law was born in Bangalor, India.

As for the silver-spoon-I wasn’t born with a silver spoon, but I will do everything in my power to make sure my children are.  My brother and I were the first of our line to ever go to college.  My late father was a truckdriver for 40 years and my mother is still a secretary. 

When I was a boy I learned the value of hard work and pride from my father.  He was laid off from his job and took up roofing.  After spending all day fixing roofs in the hot sun or the freezing cold, he would come home, and while the rest of us slept, he would strip engines for my grandfather’s scrap yard.  Even that was not enough feed two growing boys, so we had to apply for food stamps.

I remember when my father finally got a new job.  Reagan was in office and things had begun to turn around.  I went with my mother to the welfare office (we couldn’t afford baby sitters and I was about 7).  My mom wanted to return the unused food stamps.  We had enough money (barely) to support ourselves and we didn’t want a hand out.  That is when my hatred for big government programs began.  They told us we were crazy-it was free money and we should keep them.  “Forget your pride-it’s free!  It’s not like anyone has to pay for this tax-payer supported program.”  I think my mom gave them away to someone who actually needed them.

Fortunately, my father’s job was steady and when my brother and I were old enough, Mom went back to work, too.  They saved money where they could and my brother and I were able to take out loans to go to college.  I overdid it a bit and wound up getting 3 degrees: a B.S. in Physics from SUNY Stony Brook; an M.S. in Atmospheric Physics from the University of Arizona and a J.D. from St. John’s University (the first private school I ever attended).  I worked hard for academic merit scholarships and paid every penny of tuition and room and board myself.  I have over $130,000 in student loans to prove it.

As for making a living off the backs of the “working class,” well you can’t even imagine how wrong you are.  I don’t work for the government, so I don’t take anything from the working class.  To the contrary, I pay over $40,000 in federal taxes every year-hopefully minimizing the crushing tax burden of those who haven’t worked their way up from food stamps to six figures.  (And, by the way, “working class” is an insult.  I think you mean “middle class,” unless, of course you intend (as you may very well) to say that lawyers and doctors and teachers and architects don’t “work.”)

So, Mr. Leinmann I would expect an apology, but far beit for a liberal to admit their prejudice or bigotry.  I know you don’t have the mental faculties to understand how someone could grow up “working class” and still be a Republican.  I know that it’s a fundamental belief in your ideology that by destroying a man’s pride and giving him what he can work for himself, you’re helping them and not crippling them.  I know your party counts on it.  It’s called class warfare and you’ve given us a beautiful example, you hateful little man.

President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced plans for an official state to Iraq.  According to an official press release, “[d]ue to security concerns, President Ahmadinejad will travel with his full security detail while traveling to and through Iraq.”

The President’s “full security detail” includes 390,000 screaming sociopaths known as the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

Toy manufacturer Matel announced another toy recall today.  The toymaker, who recently recalled over 18 million toys made in China, has said the recall is a precaution against injury, but no injuries have yet been reported.

The recall effects the “Commuter Chang - Air China” realistic model airplane line.  Chinese officials have objected to the recall, noting that the toy works as designed.  “That’s exactly what we’re worried about,” said one Matel employee.

Presidential hopeful and self-appointed inevitability Hillary Clinton (D-Where’s Waldo?) has attacked Republicans for calling her revitalized HillaryCare system “socialized medicine.”  “I do not support any form of socialism,” screeched Mrs. Clinton from a campaign lunch with the American’s for Socialism.  “This has been a vicious lie perpetrated against me by the Right-wing zealots!  I have only ever wanted a policy of from each according to his abilities and to each according to his need-that’s hardly socialism.”

Mrs. Clinton announced that her plan was nothing more than a system to provide the entire population with complete medical care through government subsidization and regularization of medical and health services.  Mrs. Clinton challenged her attackers to “stop this mischaracterization of her policies.”

Mrs. Clinton provided an approved list of terms related to her policies:

• The Axis of Evil will be called “states of concern;”
• Mrs. Clinton herself will be referred to as “dear leader;”
• Mr. Clinton will be referred to as “a man of integrity;”
• Socialism will be referred to as “capitalism;”
• Capitalism will be referred to as “fascism;”
• Black will be “white;”
• White (men) will be “the root of all evil.”

Following the announcement by the government of Israel that it is considering creating a man-made island for use as an international airport, the provisional government of the Palestinian people, has announced a complementary project.  The Israeli plan would establish an international airport on one large or a series of smaller islands, to be built using a technique developed in Dubai. 

“We cannot allow the Zionist entity to extend its territory,” announced Mahmoud Abbas, President of the Palestinian National Authority.  “In order to maintain the balance of power, the Palestinians, Lebanon, Syria, Jordan and Egypt, will also build man-made islands in the Mediterranean.  These islands will form concentric rings around the Zionist monstrosity and will be filled, from the center out, with refugees, armed militants without a national government, well supplied armies of terrorist states, more refugees, and finally the media.”

President Abbas noted that this would extend the “containment field of the Zionist entity, while maximizing collateral damage and media bias.”  He proudly noted that the dual rings of refugees was his idea.  “We thought of just using small boats with rocket launchers and suicide bombers, but the Israeli Navy is a really good shot.”

White House adviser and liberal boogey man, Karl Rove, will resign his post effective August 31, according to the Wall Street Journal.  Mr. Rove claimed to weary of politics and looked forward to spending time with his family.  Rove had been the target of countless Democrat probes and traps, including investigations into his most private areas.

But prominent Democrats told a different story today.  According to Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), Mr. Rove leaves Washington a beaten man.  “Karl Rove saw this Democratic Congress and our 3% approval rating and ran scurrying for the hills” Mr. Schumer announced gleefully from the podium to the cheers of Code Pink and MoveOn.org.  “This is a better political gift to the Democrats than 3,000 dead soldier in Iraq!” cheerfully agreed Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Featist).

In response to claims that he was chased from Washington, Mr. Rove explained that his work there is done.  “Sure, we lost the midterm elections, but I was single-handedly able to make this Democratic Congress the most ineffective, greedy, blood lusting, patently defeatist bunch of pansies in Government since the Vichy.”  Indeed, with Mr. Rove having left Washington of his own free will, Congressional Democrats may be forced to do something other than hold hearings.

Hillary Clinton, who recently criticised Barrack Obama for ruling out the use of nuclear weapons, is now being criticized for ruling them out herself a year ago.   Mrs. Clinton had, in April 2006, criticised the Bush administration for openly considering a limited nuclear strike to stop Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons itself.  The plan was highly controversial and unpopular.  Mrs. Clinton, speaking at the time said, “I would certainly take nuclear weapons off the table.”

Yet, this past week, Mrs. Clinton criticised her rival, Senator Barrack Obama for saying that nuclear weapons should be “off the table” when it comes to our allies Pakistan and Afghanistan.  Some critics suggest that, like Mr. Obama, Mrs. Clinton’s foreign policy would treat allies more harshly than enemies.

Today, however, Mrs. Clinton clarified her stance on the use of nuclear weapons.  “In 2006, we were facing the prospect of another right-wing conspiracy, leading us to war in Iran,” screeched the Senator.  “Today, with the surge working and public support for the military growing, the idea of using nuclear weapons is more acceptable.  In short, I would use nuclear weapons if the poll numbers told me you people want me to.  I shift with the wind–whichever way that elusive popularity goes, I go too.”

After Mrs. Clinton spoke, Gallop released a poll that showed 98% of Americans think that politicians who follow polls rather than their own judgment are unelectable twits who should be barred from public service.  In response to the release by Gallop, Mrs. Clinton noted that she “vowed long ago to never follow polls” and noted that Senator Obama has clearly decided to allow the polls to influence his judgement.